need advice on my husbands exwife?

Question

my Tim has joint custody and set court orders for visitation with his exwife for their 8yr old son.The problem is whenever she gets a new bf she wants to change the visitation schedule around to accommodate her.The court order is set up so Tim has his son every other day from after school till 7pm and every other weekend.Tim allways follow this unless there is an emergency.His ex routinely calls 15 mins before we are to bring him home to tell us she will be late and we have to bring him home later or will call us to come and get him earlier from her..Most of the time shes only late by 30 mins or so but there are times when she wants him to keep him like whole days which interfers with our plans.The worse part is Tim allows this to happen and will not say a thing to her or even asks me if its ok.He will not say anything to her as he is afriad to confront her and make "problems" for his son.I think hes just afraid of her period and allowing her to control us.

should i just drop this?If i push this tim and i will have a major fight over this and i will not win.

Answer 1

Hi there, I can add some insight into this, as I'm sort've in Tim's place here myself. I've got a 7 year old son, that lives with his Mom out of state. I've got visitation rights, and joint custody even if she's in the other state. She's.... shall we say.. amended.. the visitation orders something fierce over the last few years to suit her financially and socially. Point blank... the child comes first. Always. That's just how it is. I understand that it's frustrating for you, but my guess it's frustrating for your husband as well. I know my wife certainly isn't too keen on some of the goings-on that have been pulled in the past for sure. Anyway, from his perspective, he's trying to make the best situation out of things that he can, and insulate the child from any negativeness and drama that might be had here. It is a losing battle sometimes, and will only work partially over the long-term, but as I myself am doing as well, it's all that we can do as a father, to protect the child. There will be abandonment issues, remorse, regret, questions that come up that have no real answer for the child. With my son, he still every now and again gives me the puppy-dog eyes and asks why I can't be with his mother and everyone be one happy family. In the back of head I think how could I be with a woman that planned to leave with our son when he was only 6 months old, got me to take a much higher paying job just so she can get more child support when the time comes, and basically lied to me since conception? I'm forced to smile, tell him that it's just not possible, but that both his Mom and I love him very, very much, and want what's best for him always. It breaks my heart to see his eyes drop and his heart crack just a little bit more, but, it's all that can be done as his father in such a case. This is the kind of stuff I'm sure that Tim is going through too. He may not communicate all of this in his heart with you, as I've not done on some occasion as well with my own wife, for simple fact that this is about as close to the heart as you can go, to have a loved one put in the middle of a bad situation, where it's almost a given that they're going to be hurt. This isn't only about his son though, it's about you too. I'm forced to do a juggling act of my time and attention between my son and my wife when he's here. It sucks sometimes. I hate it. I hate that it's come to this too. But.... both my wife and my son deserve my time equally, and I try and give them that. I'm sure that Tim is trying for that teetering balance as well with you. I don't appreciate my ex having the revolving door of boyfriends coming and going into my son's life.... but... I try and give him as stable an environment as I can when he's here. One thing that makes all the trouble and heartache worth it... I know without a doubt that both my son, and my wife, know exactly how much they mean to me, and where they stand in my life. The confidence in them of their place in my heart is what will bear us all through the hassles and broken pick-up dates and crying children because Mom called Daddy a bad name or Daddy got frustrated with Mommy on the phone in front of him since she changed her mind.. again.. about what time she'd be available after her weekend away with Dwayne to actually be able to pick him up. It sucks... but... ya put up with it for your family.. all of your family.

Now... as for your own personal frustrations, here is my suggestion. Coming to him with animosity about everything won't help that much in a situation like this. Talk to him about things. Tell him how you're feeling about everything... and ask him what his take is on things. Then, try and come up with a solution together to make it better for everyone. Confronting the ex can work, but only if it's a combined front on your side of things. Like it or not, the ex has to acknowledge that the child has equal time and influence in his life by the two of you, and it's not fair of her to make changes all the time that negatively influence your time or plans, be it with the child or not. The biggest thing that needs to be asked though... is.... is it bad enough to possibly be put in front of a judge and get a ruling or amendment to the parental order that's in place currently? Sometimes it's the threat of having to go through long, and oft-times expensive, legal proceedings that can best make an unruly co-parent be more flexible and understanding of the other peoples needs in a situation like this. If finances don't allow for such on your own side, it might only be a bluff... but... if it's bad enough... as in detrimenting your family's ability to be with the child, and/or actually hurting your marriage with Tim itself, then, it's what I would recommend as at least an option to toss ot there if need be. I've now had to take my ex to court 2 more times over the past 6 years, but, after that last time and the judge telling her to act in the best interest of the child or he'd make sure that he would be under my own care, she's been a lot better accomodating with me of late. If she starts giving the sour face... I remind her, or my wife reminds her, of that last visit before the judge. Hopefully you two won't have to resort to that, and can come up with a more condusive plan between the both of you to smooth things over with your own ex though. It's certainly worth the effort though... for the child's best interest. :)

Hope all the running diatribe helps. If not... feel free to contact me sometime if ya want. :)

Answer 2

Does it all sound like an inconvenience? Yes. Is it worth any fight? No.

I admire your husband for stepping to the plate. Obviously, mom doesn't totally care about her son, and dad is a very caring individual. I mean, come on! The one that is really going to suffer is the kid. Imagine putting yourself in his place - and your mom is constantly upsetting your routine as if she doesn't want you. Right now, your dad is offering you a safe haven, and a place where you are the number one priority. How would you feel if suddenly dad was making it like you were an inconvenience to him, too? Isn't it hard enough for him to have two seperate homes? The poor kid is shuffled around constantly. Allow him somewhere to be where he is number one.

Yes, it is a little inconvenient for you. And I understand where you feel like you are not considered, but you knew this going into a relationship with your now husband that he had a son from a previous marriage. And I am sure you knew there would be times that if it came down to a choice between you and the son, you would lose.

Basically, cut the guy a break. In the day and age where the fathers are typically not as involved as they should be, your husband is being a wonderful father. Doesn't that make you feel better knowing that when(if) you have kids he will be an involved father? I say let it go and bite your tongue about it. Maybe tell your husband that at times you feel like he allows his ex to walk all over him, but leave it at that. Because if given a choice between his son and his new wife, the new wife will lose. . .

Answer 3

PLEASE< PLEASE< PLEASE, DO NOT make this an issue!! This is a child, his child. That little boy needs stability. His mother obviously has other priorities! Be grateful your husband is as stand up as he is. You should AWAYS anticipate interruptions, changes of plans etc. You would expect nothing less if it was your child. Make plans with him already included, then adjust accordingly. Do not make the mistake of trying to "lay down the law". If your husband had full custody, you would build your life around that. This seems to be more centered around his ex more than the child. I know it's hard, but honey, focus on that little boy, to hell with her. She's digging' her own grave. Those bf's will come and go, she's throwing that little mans love away. Be the bigger woman, you can't be his mom, but you CAN be a safe place to land. You plan to be with his daddy forever, y'all will have your time, be happy - this man was worth marring... be the female force in his sons life that made daddy such a catch. His mom sure isn't. It's sad to think she may be using that beautiful child as some way to inconvenience you guys. Get the last laugh turn the tables.
Good luck & God bless

Answer 4

Welcome to dating someone with a kid! This is one of those things you're just gonna have to accept! You have the luxury of being selfish, if he's gonna be a GOOD father he doesn't have that luxury! Parenthood is a full time job, you're gonna have to live with this until his son is out of the house. I'm sorry to tell you but his kid takes precedence over your happiness, if this is too much for you then leave. At least you know that he loves his kid and he's actually being a man and accepting his responsibility! It may be irritating but DEAL WITH IT! I'm not writing to scold you, but to ensure that you understand the severity of the situation. My father chose to bend in favor of his wife and asked me to leave home when I was 16 because my presence made his wife uncomfortable. To this day I still don't have a good relationship with my father and it angers me to think that my father chose his wife over me...his own son. What you're describing is a minor inconvenience, and things are bound to get tougher. Either you're ready for this situation or not. If not then leave rather than get involved in something your not ready for, if you wait you'll be hurting more than just Tim. You'll end up hurting a little boy who won't have the capability of understanding why you left him and his resentful father. I know this situation may be hard to grasp but how do you think a child feel. I wish you the best and hope you make the best decision for all involved. I'm not saying leave, but I am saying do the right thing for EVERYONE by realizing what you are or aren't capable of now. If you stay then be ready to deal with the situation YOU walked into. Good luck!

Answer 5

Tim has his priorities straight. His son has to come first, and if the child's mother won't put son's needs first, then Tim has to. I think the parenting schedule is not a good one in the first place, and perhaps Tim should go for more time - like every other week or every other month, or maybe with her schedule, Tim should ask the court to flip it so MOM gets every other weekend. Yes, mom is manipulative, but the son should not suffer.

Answer 6

You knew Tim came with baggage when you got involved with him, so now you have to take the good with the bad. If he's not speaking up about it, then he probably doesn't have a problem with it. I mean why would he be upset just because he has to keep his son for longer that assigned? Visitation with the boy is not a punishment for him- of course Tim is not going to complain!

Sounds like the one with the problem is you.

His son will always, and should always, come first. It's a harsh harsh reality, but it is what it is.

Answer 7

You need to look at it from Tim's point of view, first if he ever gets pulled back into court, this is good stuff to use against his ex. Secondly, even though it interferes with your plans, he is spending time with his son! leave him alone! let him spend the time with him, he's just trying to be a good dad. Although Tim will probably never tell you, the separation was hard because he had to leave his son behind, and starting a feud might cause his ex to not let him see his son and then you'll have to go to court. Most people complain because the father wants nothing to do with their child. Are you really going to complain because your husband is spending too much time with his?

Answer 8

Tough situation. Unfortunately you married a man with a son from a previous marriage. Its a package deal. So, you either need to stay out of the situation, which is almost impossible, or learn to live with the circumstance created by the ex-wife and your husband.
Why is strictly following the visitation schedule so important to you? Do you resent the boy or hate the control the ex-wife has on your husband.
You're going to have to be flexible on this one and take the good with the bad - or be willing to suffer the consequence.

Answer 9

If you are not doing the picking up and dropping off,Tim needs to talk to his exwife about this. It will make things worse if you say something to her. Perhaps he should suggest that his if his ex wants to change the plans, maybe she should do the driving? If you are doing the driving, then talk to Tim. Tell him you can only drive from this time to that time, and if the time changes, he will have to make other arrangments for driving.It is great that he wants to be with his son, but I dont think its fair for your life to revolve around Tim's exwife's love life.He needs to give his marriage with you some importance as well.This will not change unless he stands up to her.

Answer 10

From a kid from a divorced family's perspective divorce is very hard on a child, especially after one of the parents re-marry. Your husband definately has his priorities strait. If you didn't want to deal with this, you should have married a man with a child from a previous marriage. You need to drop it. All your anger and stress is most likely upsetting the child, who has it hard already moving from one house to another, and most likely feels guilty being the cause of problems between his daddy and his new wife. Kids are alot smarter than you give them credit for. Just let it go, seriously.

Answer 11

Unfortunately, it will never change until your husband takes control of the situation and finally puts and end to this behavior. If he is anything like my husband he is doing it out of guilt, concern for his child, and also bcs he doesn't want to make waves with the ex wife bcs he is afraid it will change the time he sees his child. Communication, not arguing is key. He also needs to discuss the visitation schedule with his ex wife and stick to it. This is when it will end but your husband has to be the one to put his foot down. I hope your situation does get better soon.