I don't know if this is a question of etiquette or psychology: but am I right in feeling annoyed at my friend?

Question

A friend's dad has cancer and is currently being treated. Each chemo therapy let's say costs 200,000 (where the monthly salary of a bank manager may be around 50,000 per month as a basis to accomodate currencies). She's having depression because of her family's situation: not enough finances for her dad, dad acts up by being a brat, sister coming home from abroad, mom stressed by the dad's brattiness, she wants to get married etc. And then, she plans on taking her savings, and go to let's say a tourist island to have a vacation which would cost around 9,000 per person. She has been confiding in me a couple of weeks ago that they need money for her dad's chemo and that the medicines and special food are costing them a lot. They have taken loans and friends have given some money.

I told her I found her decision on going on a vacation in bad taste. She says she deserves a break. Is this the right decision?

Answer 1

Wow. This is a tough question for sure. I lost my own father to cancer five years ago.

Treatment is expensive, so I do understand the concerns on the financial end.

It is SO hard on the family. She is more than justified in feeling the need to get away!! I do not blame her in the slightest. The feeling of normalcy that comes from going somewhere where no one knows you or what you are going through is a godsend.

With that said, there are several alternatives. If I were her, I would consider a less expensive vacation - which could provide the best of both worlds.

Truthfully, though - what is her father's prognosis? You may want to gently bring up the fact that waiting until he has gone into remission or is more stable would be in everyone's best interest. She might never forgive herself if something happened and she couldn't get back because she was unreachable on a beach somewhere.

I certainly understand why you're annoyed. But try, if you can, to be as supportive as possible. I guarantee she's not thinking straight. Stress can do that to a person!

Answer 2

From what you describe, I think this woman is just "running on empty" and her survival instincts are kicking in. She has to get away and regroup. She is NOT responsible for the unfortunate situation with regard to her father's cancer. She DOES have the right to survive, and have a life herself. She certainly isn't going to be much help to herself or anyone else if she just keeps going downhill from the stress and the general toll this situation is already taking on her. These situations are always tragic, but how does it help anything for a particular person to hurl himself over the cliff edge, so to speak?
There are programs that a family might be eligible to apply for where catastrophic illness has depleted their finances. BUT here's what doesn't add up. You imply that the stricken father is a Bank Manager. I cannot conceive of anyone on the planet, with that kind of occupation not having absolutely top quality medical insurance coverage. In fact most banks actually have their staff (especially those that high up the totem poll) fully covered as a matter of policy.
The other thing, I don't know what kind of currency you are talking in, I am presuming Americal Dollars. I do know for a fact that NO chemotherapy treatment costs $200,000 per session. I can see where that might be the estimated total cost of his medical care and treatment in it's entirety. But once again, it just doesn't equate that a man who is a Bank Manager wouldn't be fully insured.

Answer 3

first, those costs and income are pretty high, but i get that they can't afford the chemo and nice vacations, etc.

anywhoooo....
i don't think it's a matter of right and wrong. her dad is dying and no one can know how that feels for HER.
sure, i don't think i'd be doing what she is planning to do, but i'm not her.

you question is more etiquette, but how can you tell someone that they have bad manners and taste when their dad is dying. maybe she does need to get away. maybe she does need a break. maybe she needs a good friend who is there for her instead of judging her choices.

so, if you are the good friend, then take her out to lunch, or a day at a museum or aquarium. go to a nearby city for a weekend and stay in a hotel and sight-see. you can help her get a break without her breaking the bank or leaving her family for too long. even getting her a gift cert for a massage can help.

take care.

Answer 4

She does deserve a break, but perhaps there are cheaper alternatives. She could take a little time off of work and just drive into a few cities away or something and stay at a hotel. Max, 2,000, including lost wages and such.
I don't want to sound mean, and I don't know your friend so I can't really judge, but if she does take this vacation and spends a massive amount of money while the rest of her family is saving and stressing for her dad, she would appear pretty selfish.

Answer 5

I think its a bad decision. Vacation cost a lot of money. She should put her dad's needs first even tho he's acting like a brat. If she ignore his dad now, most probably her own children will either do the same to her later on. What goes around, comes around dear. Advice her to spend time and bear with her dad cos she doesnt know how much time will her dad has to live anyway, be patient and pray a lot.

Answer 6

Here's an idea. Try caring for a family member with a severe medical condition for several months - preferably one which is likely to be fatal and bankrupt your family. Then see if you feel like you need a break.

Taking a vacation may not be financially sensible, but she almost certainly does need some stress relief. Perhaps you can help out with everyday chores, or treat her to a short local getaway. That might help without sapping what little funds she has left.

Answer 7

Most states have government funding for cancer patients, which include food stamps to puchase food for him. your friend does have the right to need a break. I doubt that the dad would want his family to go bankrupt and or into a state of depression because he is sick and maybe dying. Life goes on and one should go on with life, there is nothing anyone can do except give the dad a lot of moral support, which is free.

Answer 8

i don't think it's a matter of right and wrong....and i'm sure you don't know what the family financial situation is truly like, i'm sure she's told you some of it-but only her and her family truly know what's going on....so it's likely that it's not as bad as it sounds.....
anyways...
i totally support her in taking a vacation.....for one thing she is the child and not responsible for her parent's finances.....and also if she says she needs a vacation, she probably NEEDS a vacation....she has a lot of stress to contend with right now......she won't be doing her family any good if she is a psychological mess herself......i think she is doing what's best for HER and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

Answer 9

A break is one thing. A luxury vacation is another. She either needs to help ol dad or ditch him to the state. No one will change ol dad so she will ultimatly have to stop, pull her head out of her butt, and focus and find solutions that are going to work for both. That vacation is temp and only compounds problems currently.

Answer 10

She is probably in a state where she can't even think straight. Ethically it seems she should put the money towards her father's illness but I can also see her point in needing to clear her head. Be supportive in whatever she decides. Each person deals with things differently and untill you walk in that person's shoes you shouldn't judge. Now if she comes back with a tatoo and cornrows, call her out on it.