Am I justified?

Question

My girlfriend of 3 years works closely with a guy who used to be her 'sex buddy'. I've always been told tha it was only ever a 'physical thing' and that they never went out on dates.

Recently my girlfriend was sent to a conference (yes that's true, I'm good friends with other people who work there and they went to) and this guy went with her.

Now I've never had a problem with their continued friendship, but I found out from my girlfriend that they spent the evening while at this work thing reminiscing about old times and getting drunk together. This made me highly uncomfortable because their 'old times' were entirely sexual. They didn't know each other long before they began the relationship.

I've mentioned my concern and said that I'm uncomfortable with it, but have been told to 'stop being so stupid'.

Am I justified in being agitated by this?

Would you allow a partner to spend a drunken evening with someone they used to have a purely physical relationship with?

It really is screwing with my head.

Yes I trust her, we've only ever had one major falling out where we didn't speak to each other for a fortnight, but it's the 'just sex' thing that bugs me.

If you break up with a boy or girlfriend then there was a problem that came between you so the relationship is damaged.

This just ended because we got together. No broken hearts or 'it's not you it's me', just no more sex. But they still work together in the same office. Until very recently at adjoining desks.

It's been bugging me for weeks, though I haven't let on. I just can't get it off my mind.

Answer 1

I think that if I was in your shoes I would feel the same way! Alcohol makes you make bad choices.. I would be concerned

Answer 2

You've been going out with her for three years...there ought to be some give and take in this relationship or it would've broken up a long time ago. This can't be the first disagreement. But probably one of the biggest in all of the three years. If it was me in this situation...I would let her know that I wasn't happy and that I am upset about her reminscing about old times and getting drunk together. You obviously think more highly of her than to think that she is that loose. So I would let her know that if she gets drunk then she could make decisions that would affect the rest of her and she might not (good chance that she wouldn't) even realize or remember later what happened. She could get an STD and die from it...worse case senario...or she could get pregnant and have to live with that for the rest of her life and if they are drunk...doing drugs maybe him or her when she got pregnant then the baby has a good chance of being messed up. I know a lot of kids that lead lives with handicaps because of parents that got drunk and or did drugs...it changes your life. Above all you love this girl and want to keep her in your life. Have a serious talk with her. If this doesn't help then I would want the relationship over with. That would be enough for me. You have to have trust or you don't have a relationship at all. When you lose the trust you've lost the relationship. I sincerely hope that this works out for you. Good luck.

Answer 3

You are definatly justified in your concerns. The fact is she is playing with fire. If there was attraction is the past then there is the potential to have a drunken infatuation again. If you have expressed your concern about this relationship and she feels you are being "stupid" than she is not concerned about your feelings and she does not love you or even respect you.

My suggestion is find someone who is willing to commit to a married relationship. If you are "not ready to get married". Then stick with your girlfriend. She is not marriage material but then you would not be looking for a commited relationship anyway. Because this kind of thing is part of the dateing scene.

Answer 4

I think you are completely justified in being upset about this. I would be upset too, especially if they are getting drunk together, that is just asking for trouble. You are not being stupid at all, you have every right to not want your girlfriend hanging out with a past ''sex buddy''. If she really cared about your feelings she would stop seeing this guy after you told her it bothered you. I mean I understand they work together and they have to talk, however there is no reason to hang out outside of work!Maybe it's time to find a girl that will respect you and your feelings. Good luck!

Answer 5

After three years I would certainly hope that you trust her enough to believe what she would tell you. If there is open communication, no history of cheating, and an honest relationship then you shouldn't be so agitated. However--if she has given you a reason to believe that she would cheat on you--then you need to discuss the situation with her and be honest about what your thoughts are, why you are agitated, and why you are feeling insecure about a relationship that has obviously been long term.

Answer 6

well its not all about weither or not "we" would "allow" it b/c it is her choice, but it wasnt right, it wasnt fair, it was disrespectful, & grounds for causing insecurities, doubts, it jeopadized the bond & trust.. she has to know she was wrong & made matters worse when her response was "STOP BEING SO STUPID", you arent being stupid as far as that goes.. i feel she is being selfish & inconsiderate, now you need to re-evaluate this relationship since she has no consideration 4 the relationship nor your feelings, & decide if its even worth holding on to, b/c i am here to tell you there are many women out there & most with respect & loyalty, & thats what you deserve~dont u think so??? i wish you luck on your journey of "understanding" keep ya' head up & stay focused, u know right from wrong & you know when a person isnt giving you the love, honesty, respect,consideration,devotion & understanding that they should be, you know more about youthan anyone, you know how you feel what you want & how you want it , dont sacrafice what you believe in for something ,someone or anything that isnt worth it~ STRIVE FOR HAPPINESS & DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!!!!

Answer 7

You're justified in your anger/jealousy. Purely physical?? That's what I'd be worried about. I'd tell her this, "If I ever find out that you are physically intimate with this guy while we're together, we're done. You're the one who continues to keep this relationship going, so be careful what you do with him because 'us' teeters upon it."

Wear the pants man. If you don't like something, express it. If she can't deal with your concern then maybe it's time to move on and look for a girl with can.

Answer 8

No I wouldn't allow my partner to spend a drunken evening with someone and yes I would be agitated. As for your situation if I were you I would be more and more and more agitated and if it is me I would dump her without giving her another chance. I'm not telling you to dump her but that's what I will do.

Answer 9

No WAY would I want my boyfriend spending an evening together with someone like that. There was once something there so who's to say there still isn't some sort of attraction.

Answer 10

Many, many people would be bothered by the situation.

I think there is a difference between "agitated" and "concerned".

Bring up your concern respectfully and listen to her.

If nothing happened, she didn't cheat on you, then after bringing it up... you do need to let it go.

Otherwise you will look whiny, controlling, and insecure... which will only make him look more fun to be around than you.

Answer 11

NO!!! Out of respect for you, and your relationship, she should have realized the risks, and said NO! It is our duty, when we are in a loving and committed relationship to not only be true and faithful, but to also AVOID potential situations of temptation. This is one of those situations. Alcohol breeds poor judgement, which leads to temptation. Even if nothing happened between them, she was disrespectful to you, for even allowing that potential opportunity to arise. Talk to her, tell her it is unacceptable, and that you wont tolerate it in the future!!!