I asked my boyfriend to censor his joking with me when his son is around.he says "I dont want to shelter him"

Question

My BF and I joke around in a way that is R rated. We are both adults, we both joke with each other like this.. My BF's 12 yr old son has been disrespectful to me, saying things that my BF would say, etc.My BF explained, "Debra and I are adults we can say that, you are a child, you may not say stuff like that" The kid dosent understand that he does not have the same privledges as an adult(he is learning disabled and has other problems) I never joked like that in front of him, and suggested to my BF that he stop.He said "I wont shelter him, he just has to learn he cant do everything I do at his age". I said"you wil purposely say things that you know he will say to me, and then I will get upset with him? Why dont we just prevent that??" BF said"I dont want to shelter him!" I said"Ok dont shelter him, but dont do things with him at MY expense. I cant be the guniea pig" Bf said"You dont know how to handle kids!!" and walked away. The 12 yr old is allowed to watch R rated movies, games etc

I realize I cant really tell him how to raise his kid but I am entitled to respect from this kid especially in my own house. He deliberately says things in front of the kid that he knows the kid will repeat to me.I say this is my business because it affects me.

Answer 1

i think you are right on this one hun. R rated movies etc are rated for a reason, im not saying to stick to it religously. but yes, i think you are in the right here. im not sure what to suggest other than to try talking to him again and tell him to at least come to a compromise, after all, thats what relationships are all about, good luck.

Answer 2

This is very complicated! You have a right to be addressed in a respectful way by his son. You say the father deals with the disrespectful attitude, which is good. At this point, only time will tell if your boyfriend's method will work, or if you are correct in believing the behavior should be avoided altogether.

If this has been going on for a long time, like maybe a year... well it's obvious his idea doesn't work. If the child is disabled, he's probably not mentally a 12 year old, which is even more reason to refrain from vulgar language and attitudes around him! It almost sounds like the father is in a bit of denial over the son's limitations. This is a touchy subject because really, it's a relationship breaker.

This very same thing happened to a friend of mine, where the daughter called my friend a b***! Her dad made her formally apologize to my friend and promise to never do it again. I personally think you are correct, why not avoid the bad behavior!

Answer 3

If your BF is allowing his 12 yr old son to disrespect you -- then HE is disrepecting you as well.

This is not about sheltering. Kids are impressionable. The 12 year old models behavior of his dad. Telling the boy to basically "Do what I say -- not what I do" is stupid. Talk is cheap. If dad doesn't want to parent him now... you have no prayer if you ever decide to get married and be a family.

I would weigh this heavily... your BF is disrespecting you (in a big way). If it were me, I would give your BF an ultimatem and then walk -- He's free to parent that child any way he sees fit as you have no parental jurisdiction. However, if he allows his boy to disrespect you, he does not respect you at all. Bad foundation here for a relationship. Tell him... mean it... and leave if he doesn't fix it.

Answer 4

Ok, do you live together in your hosue? Or does this happen when they are just at your house?
Since I am probably much older than you, this is what I would do. When he says you don't know how to raise kids...tell him you may not...BUT you have COMMON SENSE, and can plainly SEE right from wrong. And I would(and did!) make it clear hwat will and willnot go on in YOUR house. And, if it were me...I would also say something about 'child abuse' as to how he is raising his son. By saying the things he does...and allowing him to watch those kinds of movies, especially since he has learning problems...is not a healthy way to raise a child. Personally, I don't know how or why you would stay with your b/f. He has shown he does not care about your feelings and is down right cruel. I would leave his butt. You can do better!
Good luck! You are going to need it.

Answer 5

It's not that your bf doesn't want to shelter his boy, it's that he doesn't want to be bothered with raising his boy.

Dating is to learn about someone. You're learning a lot about this man. It's easy to let a 12 year old watch R rated movies, to play M games. It's hard to actually create a suitable environment for one's child.

My nearly 14 year old has seen an R movie or two, but carefully chosen and relevant to his interests. AND WE USE THE REMOTE TO FAST FORWARD PAST THINGS KIDS DON'T NEED IN THEIR MINDS. It's called parenting.

There is so much good out there for the boy to be exposed to and his dad doesn't care enough about his son to do that for his son and he doesn't care enough about society to care about what kind of man he is putting out into society.

Your bf is just lazy. Good parenting takes an effort, it takes self-denial.

Answer 6

you are right to put your two pence in the upbringing of the son if he is staying in your own house. You have a right to help in his parenting if you are the one who is taking the s*** out of the son.

As regarding your boyfriend you just need to make him understand that sheltering his son is one thing while teaching him bad words and showing his x-rated movies is another. Being a disabled kid is even worse because most probably his mind is not even developed as that of a 'normal' 12 year old. He needs a healthy upbringing; one that he will not give him if he shows him such movies. they are x-rated for some purpose!!!

Answer 7

Do as I say, not as I do!!! How many times will we have we have to be told that children learn by example? The example we are expected to set!

A couple of points I would like to make:
1. Your boyfriend is not a good parent now and is not willing to use proven methods on effective child rearing. His behavior is abusive What your boyfriend is doing is abusive to this child. To expose children to sexually explicit material and situations that they are not mature enough to handle is called abuse. If you have children for him later on, he will raise them the same way.

2. He is abusing you as well. He has little or no respect for your wishes or feeling. Do not expect him to defend your honor against any one else. I think that all women want a partner who will stand by their side in adversity and at least entertain their position in a situation. To not even try to empathize how you are feeling about the situation shows me that he is insensitive. How far will that insensitivity go. Will he bring home his friends and have them talk to you the same way and not defend your honor?

3. Your boyfriend needs some therapy to help him deal with whatever issues he has, and I believe that when you abuse others and are insensitive to others reasonable wants and needs, there is some underlying problem.

Choices:

Get him to counseling; leave if he refuses; or be condemned to a life of abuse.

Good luck.

.

Answer 8

LOSE THIS GUY - he is not a good parent, because he wants to do things for his convenience. Telling children one thing and doing another just does not work!! You can see the results for yourself, raising a child to be disrespectful.

Answer 9

His kid, his deal. 12 is still a child, but does not need the sheltering. Maybe you are the only one with the problem here. Why are you getting upset? My son is 11 and has been watching 'R' rated movies for years, he's probably more mature than other kids his age because we don't 'baby' him. - Just my opinion, good luck!

Answer 10

hmm sounds to me he doesnt know how to raise kids ether, id never let my 13 year old play R rated games or watch R rated movies unless i have seen them and aproved of them myself.


Sadly, he sounds like a jerk but its not your kid, their not alot you can do, try talking again but keep relaxed.
you wont get him to change his ways, men are stubborn like that BUT if you can get him to discipline his son when he does do those things that will stop the son reapeting it