How can I stop letting my Mother-in-law get to me?

Question

I have been married for fifteen years and my relationship with my mother-in-law has gone from bad to worse. My husband makes excuses for her bad behavior. He is constantly telling me to be the bigger person. It has gotten to the point that he and my son go there for the holidays without me. I can't be around her for the sheer purpose of self-preservation at this point because my feelings have been hurt so many times now. She calls him at work now instead of at home and I can always tell because he comes home with a chip on his shoulder. If I say anything in defense of myself he tells me I am being a small person but yet he will come to her defense. Our son is adopted and she shows favortism to the other grandchildren also. She gets them more at Christmas and takes them on annual vacations without extending an invitation to my son. When I have tried to talk to my husband about it he just blows. He has never confronted her, even when he has caught her in lies. I need advice...

Answer 1

I know exactly what is happening here. I don't even need to hear all the details. I went through all this with my first mother-in-law. He is blowing up at you because HE knows he should be dealing with her and he can't or doesn't want to. He is steering his anger toward you for putting him in a position where he might have to stand up to her and get involved (even though you don't mean to do that) instead of directing his anger toward her, where it belongs. He thinks by getting involved it will make everything worse but in reality, it would help the situation, especially if she's being unfair to your son. I can't understand how a grandparent could do a thing like that. If I was in your family I would stand up for you. All I can tell you is that he is wrong and should be defending you and his son but he is afraid to so he takes it out on you for making it an issue. How to make him change ........... I can't tell you that. Good luck.

Answer 2

sounds like you got a super bees natch for an inlaw the easiest thing is what you are already doing short of leaving your husband and taking your son. because it will never get better. your husband will not confront her either because he doesn't want to hear her or he has been so brow beat since he was a child that he doesn't know how to confront her. what would happen if you confronted the old nag? would this cause a big fight, would she whine to your husband about the " abuse" or would she just smile and make more trouble? my bet is all of the above. the only thing I can think of is either leave the situation alone for the holidays, and make you happy at some friends home, or just leave period for peace of mind, because you know that this has to be weighing on your sons mind too. he may not be able to express himself though and leaving may cause more damage. because then he has to deal with the two situations of the "grandmother" and now " why has mom left dad? " so thats never good. maybe if you just do things with him for the holidays like take in a movie or better rent one and have a nice dinner for just the two of you, even if its just a few thing he likes and the popcorn and the movie. he won't have to deal with all the hurt of the granmother and he can be with his mom and see a cool movie too. I am sorry to hear about this old woman is causing everlasting pain for you and your son. and its a shame your husband won't stand up to her for whatever reason when all he would have to say is back off this is my family, and you won't hurt them ever again. this is a toughie. I was a youg bride in a simular life, but, I did the telling off and was divorced about three years later. but, I had my peace of mind.

Answer 3

It is time for you to make certain boundaries.

You need to have your holidays at home, period. Use any excuse you like, but I would suggest that you say that you would like "your" family with you at holidays, and, you are all getting old enough that it's time to stop traveling to other people's homes for holidays.

You cannot come between a man and his mother. It is a sacred bond, much like you probably feel with your son. You do have rights as a mother, however, which supersede those. Simply demanding that at least your son is staying home for holidays from now on may do it. If he wants to go to his mother's home, and leave the two of you there, well, so be it.

It'll be a tough transition, but, without directly targeting your mother-in-law, it is about all you can do.

Answer 4

Time so that you can reduce your arrangement along with her brief. Don't move to her residence and do not invite her over. If she comes and says the residence is messy, deliver her the filth rag, the vacuum cleanser, exhibit her in which the entire different cleansing provides are and simply in a well mannered way inform her that for the reason that you are not able to do something correct might be she will have to do it. It will purpose a battle, however so what she needs to uncover a few intent for you to not be round due to the fact that she does not desire to manage the truth that "her" grandchild has a illness. Now you move approximately your existence and maintain that designated little one and provide him the entire love you've. You difference your self via now not being concerned what she says or does. If your husband needs a courting together with his mom, he can however provide an explanation for that you're performed being her whipping little one and don't desire to be round his household. Then do not move. Believe me while you're making this stand she's going to understand that you simply rather do not care what she says or does, and that you do not like her. The truth that you simply keep to head round her implies that you take delivery of her cure of you, so quit accepting it.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like you have let the old boot win the battle. I would walk in the door this Christmas with flowers for her and put on my best phony act while I was there, smiling and laughing, even laugh when she comes up with her dumb comments, let her show herself to all for the person she is. Dont eat much of the dinner she makes, that should annoy her, She is insulting your husband by ignoring your adopted son. Actually he is the special one of the family and you should make sure he knows he is a chosen one.This will be a stressfull day for you but maybe make a little fun for yourself by sneaking looks at her shocked face when you are soooooooo sweet. good luck, dont let her win.

Answer 6

I'm in the same situation. Here you have the man you love dearly and the woman that gave birth to him. All you probally want is for him to see how she effects you and maybe even talk to her about it. Maybe you can sit down and talk to her about the problems you two are having. I will be lonely dec 25 as well because I cant stand to be around my mil. I'm sitting here giving you advice when I'll probally never do these things myself its just an awkward situation to be in.

Answer 7

first off he needs to stand up and be on your side. you are his wife.. he needs to tell his mother as well as you to let it go. it sounds like he knows shes doing this to you but yet he dont defend you.. that is his biggest mistake hes doing by trying to stay out of it cause it wont make it better.. he needs to tell his mother that you are his wife and that from now on he will be standing by your side.. he feeds the fuel on the fire playing both sides.. you do not have to take ones crap just because your married to there son. good luck

Answer 8

Sounds like an episode of Dr. Phil. Maybe you should go to couples therapy, so he can see you are his wife and he left the nest along time ago. He has to back you, some guys are just mamma's boys and need a stiff kick to realize it.

Answer 9

This is a classic case of mummy,s little boy.Your hubby need,s to find his backbone and defend you from this monster.As for your son,Do you really think that he need,s this woman in his life,Would you want him going on vacation with her?I think not.