how to approach wife about her taking anger management?

Question

My wife has a crazy temper at times and personally I feel anyone who screams at another person over very little things needs some sort of help. Should i get her a selfhelp book from the library or recommend actual counseling? She is usually quite docile but every 3 months or so has a day of rage and it freaks me out..

Answer 1

You are the best person to do this for her. Sorry that this happened but a lot of people don't know how to handle anger.

Better deal with it without her actually being angry. No one is listening if they are shouting.

Why not wait until the coast is clear and say you think it would be a good thing since you care for her and love the committment you share if she would look into handing her anger more productively. Don't ask her not to get mad. If there were a pill... LOL. Make sure she knows how it makes you feel. Maybe scared, humiliated, angry, makes you feel like she needs help with a problem leading up to the anger...

I don't know any books but I am sure there are any number of great ones in the library or on Amazon. Maybe your just talking to her about it will make her understand how her actions effect you! :)

I love counseling but it's a hassle to go to appointments and drive across town. If you live in a small town everyone will know, etc... but it does help. Then you will have to think of whether or not you want a male or a female counselor... it's a PITA.

Just talk to her first and make sure she knows what she is doing harms you and the relationship and that you care enough to stick around to see if there's a solution.

Everyone gets mad sometimes but some people have to learn how to express it. I think they have anger anonomous classes if she wanted to go.

Answer 2

I'm certainly bothered. I remember a long time ago, I was told that it was good to "get out your anger" and some group i was in, a guy would hit a pillow with a hollow plastic bat, stuff like that. I am pretty sure that research shows that this type of thing just makes the anger worse. It is better to "do the opposite" like meditate, listen to calming music, etc. your wife maybe didn't make it up about the doll. but I'm bothered. I'm a 46 year old lady with bipolar, too. Just in case, I will add that many different psychiatric meds made me kick holes in the walls and destroy property and argue a lot, and the bipolar got blamed for it, and it turned out it was side effects of the pills, for years. My husband is so happy I got off that crap, but it did take 6 months for my behavior to even out. so if your wife takes any kind of meds, think about it. PS Truth's answer was ridiculous. I have known far more freak show radical conservatives. It all depends where you live. I lived in Los Angeles, there were some extremist liberals. I live in rural MN now, extremist conservatives all over the place. Liberal, conservative, doesn't make a person rude or angry. That is a separate issue.

Answer 3

Try to talk to her about these rages first. If she 'freaks out' over small things, there's usually an underlying cause to the stress. Everyone has a right to be a little vocal at times, it's a way to release tension. It doesn't seem to be too serious if it only happens once every 3 months. People with extreme anger issues usually have daily or weekly episodes.

Try to talk to her about it. If she denies her outbursts or insists that nothing is wrong, suggest a self-help book.

People only need professional help if their extreme anger (or other disorder) impacts their daily life. It doesn't sound that serious, but you know her better than I. If you think that her anger is negivity effecting her work, her relationships with you and her friends, or her family, than it's time to suggest therapy.

If you're only 'freaked out' by it, tell her that it makes you upset to see her like that. Then, she'll know how you feel about her screaming like that. And if you see her start to get upset, tell her to stop what she's doing and give her a back rub, tell her to take a long, hot bath, or help her out with whatever she's stressed about. Be supportive.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Answer 4

Anger management can be helpful. I know I've gone through it. I was in a class with other people. Some were looking forward to an easier time with the courts if they passed the class. Part of the benefit of the class was being around people who had gotten into real trouble because of their inability to control their tempers. Usually, people with anger problems are not very happy. When I learned how to deal with my anger I became much happier.

People need to learn to detach. Keep in mind that detachment doesn't mean a lack of means.

It would be best if you would talk to a trusted friend of her's who agrees with you that she might benefit from anger management to talk it over with her. This will have a better chance of succeeding than if you do it.

Actually, the two of you may benefit from marriage counseling. The things that she is getting upset about may seem small to you, but they may be very important to her. Often problems in a marriage are a result of each partner valuing things differently. Usually there is no right person and no wrong person. Some things just are more important to one person than the other. The only solution is some kind of compromise and coping strategies. A qualified marriage counselor can show you the strategies.

A common mistake in relationships is to blame one person. Usually it is best not to find fault or blame anybody but to create mechanisms to cope with the situation.

At least you need someone "outside the loop" to take a look at the situation. And, it is best that the person have experience and training.

Both of you should try intense prayer and meditation. Don't necessarily be concerned about God or religion. Even if you are an atheist you can still benefit from prayer and meditation.

From here I cannot judge the severity of the problem but it could be a sign of a pychiatric problem. I would recommend contacting a non-profit community mental health clinic if you deeply suspect a problem. They usually also offer anger management training.

It is best that you do not try to deal with her when she is upset. It is best to let a person calm down and then deal with the problem. Or, sometimes just exit the situation and forget about it. The way we were raised determines a lot of our expectations and you can come into a marriage with very different expectations. Showing anger may be considered normal in one family while in another it can be perceived as an indication that something is really, really wrong. Misunderstandings are frequent. What ever you do, try not to exacerbate the situation. A lot of times women (men too) just want their feelings acknowledged and a lot of men have trouble with that. She should be aware that men tend to show affection and feelings in ways that are hard for women to understand but it doesn't mean they don't have them.

Keep in mind that anger management is for people with fairly severe anger problems. Does she get angry with other people? With strangers? Or, just with you? Is her anger causing any real problems or is it just embarassing? If it is just with you it may indicate a marriage problem rather than an anger problem.

We all get angry and that usually is not a problem. The problem comes with uncontrolable anger or anger that impares our judgement and causes use to do stupid things.

I don't think it is possible to go through life without irritation. But it is possible to go through life without serious anger. Mild anger can be beneficial if it is channeled into productive effort.

Some of my favorite people were ones that were not afraid to get angry and show it. But they always did it with humor, understanding and a smile on their faces. Oftentimes this was actually productive, because it opened up channels of communication.

There I just wrote you a self-help book! lol Now you have it.

Actually, you inspired me, I may write a book on the subject!

Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 5

I was married to a woman like that once. She was very sweet ,smart, nice. Then out of no where she would do some crazy things, argue and want to fight. Then after it all calmed down she would say she was sorry and tell me it wasn't me. I found out the best time to talk to her about this was when she was in a good mood and kind of understanding, and she would admit she had problems. For other reasons she finally got some counseling, and went to a mental health doctor and was diagnosed bi-polar. This took several years to get to this part, and as sad as it is we are no longer together.It's sad because she is a very beautiful, sexy, woman.

Answer 6

The best way is to actually talk to her , giving a book is not something that people respond well to. Try to consult with close friends or relatives who have witnessed such behavior or have come uder fire of her anger and see if they can help you as a group to talk to her about such issue. Then, I would do some research on anger management and even bipolar disorders. When talking to your wife try not to accuse her, but simply explain how it makes you feel. Donot be judgemental or occusatory, its very important not to come out as hostile. Afterwards you all can discuss some possible therapy or other options.

Answer 7

sit down and talk to her calmly first.don't insult her or make fun of her.never talk to someone else about her unless you speak with her first.when you sit her down to talk,turn the t.v. and music off and keep her calm using a sweet mellow voice.bring up seeking anger management and tell her you think it's a good idea and that you want to be very supportive and help her get through her stressfull situation.Maybe help around the house a little too.maybe she's so stressed out cuz she's always picking up after you or the kids if you have any.I went through that before,it's normal.but have her relax and be honest with her.good luck!

Answer 8

Have you ever affirmed her as a wife, mother, and another human being? Say or send affirmative words/notes to her to tell her how much you vaule her, etc...

We all have 'deposits' and 'withdrawals', like the bank. When we work, we usually don't ask for it, but, when someone gives us praises, we either cringe in embarassment or get paranoid. I wouldnt go to a salesman to get affirmed, bc he is only doing it for making a sale. But I would seek someone I love to affirm me bc this is my need and unless I ask for it, who is to know what I need? Then again, few people really know what they need! Complimentary words are meant to 'deposit' goodness back into our hearts, when we feel we are 'withdrawing' more than (work and more work) we have been affirmed.

Try this out. See if there's any change.

Answer 9

Is she taking meds which cause her to menstruate once every 3 months? In that case, plan ahead so you're not around on that day and if you are pay her the minimum attention unless she is acting normal. Reward her normal behavior with hugs and kisses. If she is very persistant say "I don't want to talk to you when you're yelling." If more yelling, "I'll talk when you cool down."

Answer 10

Just tell her how you feel. She might get very agitated and upset with you but communication and honesty Is an important part on any relationship. She might need counseling or maybe medication she also might not realize how she handles certain situations and it needs to be addressed. good luck