I go to school with this amazing girl. We started out as friends, and we'd talk all the time in class and online. After a while, I realized she wanted to be more than friends, and that made me uncomfortable. See, I was completely attracted to her in every way but physically. At the time, she was really overweight and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't find her physically attractive. She'd ask to hang out, and whether she meant it as friends or more, I don't know, but I'd say I had plans so she never got the wrong idea.
Well, now she's dropped all of the weight and she looks fantastic. We were still friends up until I asked her out, and she told me, flat out, no, because she was still the same person as before and even though she STILL LIKES ME, she couldn't deal with the fact that I only like her now because she's attractive.
But I liked her before! I just wasn't attracted until now. Am I wrong to pursue her? Should I give up or talk to her about it?
2006-12-14 17:40:01 · 13 answers · asked by Ghost Melody 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It's clear we both still like each other and everything. She just thinks I'm shallow to only ask her out now, and I admit, it is, but I just didn't find her attractive before and I didn't think that made for a good relationship.
Who's right here? Her, or me? She's amazing, and we get along so well, but it is kind of jarring to think the whole time we date (assuming she ever accepts) she'll be thinking I'm a shallow jerk or something.
2006-12-14 17:41:59 · update #1
Well, you can't really blame her, can you? Any woman who was in her situation would feel the same way as well.
What bothers me though is the fact that the reason that prompted you to be physically attractive to her is her loss of weight.
Maybe you should be asking yourself this question:
What IF SHE DID give you a chance and said yes? You'll probably be ecstatic, eh?
BUT THEN
What IF during the course of your dating relationship, she gained weight again? WHAT THEN? Will you avoid her again like you did prior to her losing weight?
I suggest you consider the above first. The answer you're seeing for lies on your answer to my throwback question.
2006-12-14 18:13:27 · answer #1 · answered by Alias G 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should sit down and talk to her about it, about everything. About how you have always liked her, and how you couldn't find her to be physically attractive back then. Tell her that yes, you are shallow, and that you are sorry. There's not much else you can do here, and it's all basically up to her. Just let her know how you really feel, how you felt back then, and how you feel now. Also, I wouldn't be suprised if she pops in a question asking you if she were to gain back that weight while you two were dating, would you dump her. Now that question is something only you can decide. And if you are really her friend, then don't lie, just so you can go out with her.
2006-12-15 01:54:16 · answer #2 · answered by Vaynthe 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm . . . this is a hairy situation. I don't think you have much of a chance with her now. It isn't your fault at all either! You have every right to date whoever you find attractive. I bet she was kinda hurt that you didn't ask her out before, but SHE was the fat slob, not you. I don't think there's any way you can salvage that. Play it cool. Now it's too late. Move on. Do NOT press the issue (it will lead nowhere and also make you look desperate -- if you REALLY want to say something, you could tell her that no one else will see her the way she was again, so there is no guarantee that they would be any less shallow than you allegedly were. Good night!
2006-12-15 01:58:00 · answer #3 · answered by anonymous 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Here's what you need to understand about women who were overweight and then get skinny - inside, they are still that overweight girl. It takes a LONG time to get over that "I am fat" feeling inside one's head - especially with people who knew her when she was overweight.
The best thing you can do is this: Tell her that you think she looks fabulous, and you KNOW it's shallow of you to feel differently about her because of how she's changed. But, there's also this part of you that is SO proud of her for setting a goal and then achieving that goal. And, that you are a GUY, and guys have hormones they can't help. You'll never be able to take away that part of you which is a guy, that is testosterone.
It is shallow, yes, but it's the reality of how attraction works. You still want to be her friend, if it's OK if you think she's hot. Then, just be her friend. Be honest. Let her date guys that didn't know her when she was overweight. Give her lots of time to get used to her new self. And give her lots of time for her to get used to being your thin friend, rather than your "fat" friend. It will take her a lot of time for her to get that out of her head.
Even if it's hard, tell yourself that it's more important that she be happy than you get a chance to get into her pants. If you really care for her as much as you say you do, her needs will come first. And you will try to understand her. And let her have her feelings.
And, perhaps, you could date someone else and tell her that you are willing to give her space, and that you'd like to see people to help you not think of her so much. Don't do this to make her jealous, but to give yourself someone else to lust after for a while. She might have a different perspective after that. Or she might be genuinely happy for you. Either way, you win.
Good luck, and grats to your friend! I hope she can keep it off so she can emotionally grow into her new body soon.
2006-12-15 01:58:53 · answer #4 · answered by TammyT 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, you say you've changed, but you didn't date her before because she was fat, and now that she's skinny, you feel that she is perfect. You just made her weight a priority, above her personality, and that's why she feels like that. It's a coincidence that just when she dropped weight, you ask her out again. Try to talk to her, and tell her that you were wrong, and that now you're more mature, and see what a great woman you lost. Just give her time to realise you've changed, don't insist on it and keep on being the great friend you used to be, not because you want to date her. Live one day at a time. Good luck!!!
2006-12-15 01:54:23 · answer #5 · answered by Dita 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The thing is what will you do if you get involved and fall in love and then she gains all her weight back! Really think about this cause you never know what she will become in a few years! Her being overweight should have not been the reason of holding back your feelings to begin with! Fat girls need love to!
2006-12-15 01:44:25 · answer #6 · answered by lil mami 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
YOU DONT HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER, AND YOU SHOULD
NOT, SHE RIGHT. LOVE IS ON THE INSIDE NOT THE OUTSIDE SHE IS THE STILL THE SAME PERSON, AND THE
ONLY REASON THAT YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER IS BECAUSE OF THE WEIGHT SHE HAS LOST. SO JUST LEARN
FROM THIS, DONT JUDGE SOMEONE FROM THERE APPERANCE. LOOK AT THERE HEART. SHE MAY HAVE BEEN
YOUR SOUL MATE. BUT YOU WILL LOST. SORRY.
2006-12-15 01:46:02 · answer #7 · answered by luckystar 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, if i were that girl, i would think you're a superficial lump of sh*t. what if after pregnancy she got fat again? would you still like or love her?
what you gotta do now is to gain back her trust, which will be pretty difficult... how you gonna convince her??? there's no harm trying, though... since she likes you...
2006-12-15 02:23:13 · answer #8 · answered by wat_more_can_i_say? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How do you prove to her that you aren't shallow anymore? That's the only way she might consider you.
2006-12-15 01:42:34 · answer #9 · answered by mybootyisthatbig79 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try harder maybe explain to her...
u so lucky to have a girl like that.. yeah dun lose this opportunity since its a mutual liking..
2006-12-15 01:43:19 · answer #10 · answered by a1jacky1990 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋