Boyfriend going to bars?

Question

My boyfriend and I have a healthy relationship minus how I feel about him going out to bars with his friends. For some reason I get upset & it makes me feel uncomfortable. I still have 2 years until I can even go to a bar, so maybe I'm just a little paranoid about it because i dont know what bars are like ect. We live together and have been together for about a year and a half. I trust him, but do i have a reason to be upset about it? He goes 2-3 times a week, and always comes home way trashed. I just get nervous, and we fight about it EVERY time, is that wrong? or what should i do? thank you so much for your answers!! : )

Answer 1

This is a serious issue.

1) He's going somewhere you can't because you're not old enough. That means, he's not respecting you. To me, big fat -5 points for him.
2) He's coming home trashed. Now, granted, fighting about it isn't exactly the best way to handle it. Because since he's trashed, he's not exactly, uhm, level headed. But it's not a good thing that he's doing this. Another sign he's not respecting you (or really himself). -5 more points.

I would say, if he comes home trashed, you have complete and total right to be mad. But instead of arguing about it, either go to a friend's house to sleep (so he can be trashed by himself) or sleep in the living room and tell him - "I'm not going to talk to you while you're drunk." Not in an angry way. Just matter of fact. "We'll talk in the morning." It will be really hard for you, but the less emotion you put into it while he's drunk, the better. If he doesn't seem to care, DON"T GET MADDER. He's not going to care. Guys deal with things by not thinking about them. Especially when they are trashed. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he knows he's done something he shouldn't and he's trying not to think about it. Or that he's so drunk he can't think about it. Getting mad at him for not caring won't help. Just accept that you're going to tell him "I'm not gonna interactiwith you while you're drunk" and do YOUR thing, as if even though you're mad, he doesn't have control of your emotions. Clean the whole damn house if you need to, to keep from getting outwardly mad at him.

OK, then, when morning comes, talk to him about it while he is SOBER. And NOT hung over. If he's hung over, tell him you'll talk to him when he's not hung over any more.

When you do talk to him about it, tell him that when he's trashed you don't like to be around him. And that you don't want to change him, it's his decision what to do, but to let him know that you don't like it, and if it keeps happening, it's going to be a serious issue in your relationship. You love him, but not when he's so drunk he can't walk. Tell him matter of factly. You're not trying to control him, you're just laying down the reality of it. Let him decide what to do with that information. If he argues with you, say it again, same tone, and if he won't stop arguing, tell him you'll talk to him again when he's ready to talk, and not argue.

OR, on the other hand, you can approach it from the perspective that when he comes home drunk, don't even talk about it. Just leave. Tell him you're not mad at him, you're just going to leave until he sobers up. It's not a matter of being mad, but a matter of not enjoying his company, and maybe even being a little scared of him (I know the boyfriend's I've had who got toasted got scary too).

I think with guys, it's really important to 1) use as little emotional manipulation as possible. Be very matter of fact, unemotional, and practical. and 2) Don't try to be "right". Guys are really good at being "right", especially when they are drunk. So, fighting with him solves nothing. It's a waste of energy and time. If you start to feel a fight coming on, stop, say, "Fighting doesn't work, I'm going to leave for a while and cool off." Or "I'm going to go surf the net for a while and cool off" or whatever. Go to the gym, or go to a friend's house, or to Starbuck's, or sit in the car, drive around.

I wish someone had told me this when I was early in my relationship with my hubby. Although at the time, I would never admit to being "emotional". Now I know better. I'm totally emotional. And when I'm mad, hubby turns off. End of story. So I've learned that if I want to communicate anything to him, I can't do it out of anger.

Hope this helps. I like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Helped me understand guys a lot better. Well, at least the guy I live with. And that's the most important thing.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I think your question is very cute, for some reason. I don't know for certain what the bars he visits are like, but they're probably full of young men like him, cracking jokes, being slightly obnoxious, hitting on women, talking about women, discussing sports, work, college...just to give you an idea.

If you can get into a bar underage safely, why not go check his bars out (with or without him) and put your mind at ease.

You have a right to be slightly worried about him. He should only be "way trashed" once a month, if that. Tell him that it's fine to go out drinking a few times a week if he can stop himself when he becomes merry but not trashed! He may be doing himself long-term damage; it won't help him excel at his job/studies. If you want an easy solution, tell him his erection's too soft after he's been drinking (even the day after he's been drinking). That is, if you're sexually active :-D

Answer 3

Move out. Sounds like he is an alcoholic and/or immature. Either way, you won't be happy with him and he will not change.
Sorry, your relationship does NOT sound healthy. Why would he choose to spend so much time at bars, instead of at home with you or going somewhere together you could both enjoy?

Answer 4

well thats something you are either going to have to deal with, since you have already talked about it and he is not going to change, or leave-

All the guys I know that "date" under age girls (cant go to the bar, not under 18) are usually getting some after the bar and at home from the girl- your guy could be different though.. but really its a great place to meet girls that do not know your dating some one when some one like you can not go to the bar...

Answer 5

Your reaction to his going out and drinking will push him away, and your getting nervous about the situation will make you sick.

I used to get angry and resentful, argue and lay guilt trips on my partners when they would get drunk and unreasonable. Arguing or even trying to have a reasonable discussion with someone under the influence is unfruitful to say the least.

I started going to Al-Anon and learned to take care of myself instead of feeling sorry for myself and trying to control someone else's behavior and drinking.

His drinking is his business and his choice. You can do nothing to change his behavior, any attempts will be met with great resistance. You can find serenity and change your reactions to him. Refusing to accept your powerlessness over alcohol will make you miserable and seriously injure your relationship with him.

Answer 6

There is not anything you'll manipulate approximately this problem. Let this pony run and give up using your self loopy over it motive it may not difference a factor sweetie. If he makes a mistake you can understand it used to be due to the fact he used to be "good oiled" and now not a planned act.

Answer 7

If he is getting drunk that often, your boyfriend is an alcoholic. Tell him to get help or your gone. You'll be the best friend he ever had. I speak from experience. There is no future as long as he is a drunk.

Answer 8

Yes you need to worry. He is going out flirting w/ girls & getting trashed. What kind of life is that? Find someone who respects you he is a loser.

Answer 9

why are you playing little wifey to some immature lout?