How do I tell my mom?

Question

My bf and I have been together for 1 1/2 years. When we first got together, my parents loved him. He treats me like a queen, is very respectful, loves my kids, and makes me truly happy. 9 mnths into the relationship he moved 900 miles away from here to be with his kids b/c their mother is a drug addict. He flies in once a month to see me and his family and we talk at least 2x a day. This works for us. We plan to get married next year when I finish college. The problem? My mom has said in the past that if I have anything to do with him she's "done with me". My bf is flying in for a week during christmas and I want to take him to my family's Christmas Eve get together. How do I tell my mom that I'm bringing him with me and my kids and that if she doesn't like it, none of will be there. Both my parents are very good to me and I couldn't have asked for better parents. Its just that I feel, at 29, its time I live my own life and stop letting my mom act like a dictator. What do I do?

My mom has always been way overprotective. She loved him until he moved away. I feel that his reasons for leaving(his kids) were very upstanding and say alot about his character as a man. As a matter of fact, I told him to go b/c if he would of chose me over the girls I didn't want him anyway. My mother didn't see it this way. She seen it as I was a notch on his bedpost (a 1 1/2 yr. notch?). For anyone else who is wondering. . I already have my own place. Single mom of 2, full time job, pay my own bills, full time nursing student, ask them for nothing.

Answer 1

Just remember your mom will always love you! She just wants the best for you just as you fill the same for your children. If you are happy then that is what matters and when you tell your mom she may be hurt and upset at first but when it comes down to it she will love you no matter your decision. You just might have to take a beating when you tell her but it is worth the outcome of you not having to hide it!!!

Answer 2

you are 29 years old and a mother yourself. Why does her opinion count to you so much? Being overprotective is one thing, but being 'invasive' is another. She has far too much control over what you think and do. But you have a problem with being honest with her and just taking the bad with the good. Tell your mother TOMORROW that you have continued to see this man, that he flies in to see you and that you plan to marry next year. Then stop 'hiding and lying' about your life and ASK if you can bring him along. If she says no...then you must make the choice; go alone or not at all. Either way it is WAY overdue for you to move your relationship with "mom" to the adult level. Face her when you tell her and stay calm. Tell her how you feel. You are on your own so why play these games? Good luck.

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your parents because of your bf. This is a quite common feeling when it comes to offsprings, nobody is good enough for them. I don't understand though, if your parents liked him in the past how come all of a sudden they dislike him? Is it because he moved away to take care of his kids because his ex is a drug addict? If so, I think your parents are a little bit judgemental. On the contrary this proves that your bf is a family man, who cares about his children but also cares about you too to fly monthly 900 miles just to be with you for a couple of days it's not an easy job to do. I had the experience of the long distance relationship. I am from London and my husband from NY and for almost a year and a half we flew back and forth monthly to see each until we decided to tie the knot and I moved to NY. I think you should sit down with your parents as soon as possible and make them understand that he is the one for you and prove them through his actions and the things he has done and still does for you that he cares a lot about you and your kids. He didn't go away to be with his ex, he went away to take care of his kids and any caring parent would do the same thing. It would have been worrying if he didn't care and let his children deal by themselves with a drug addict mother. I wish you the best of luck in the world and a happy, long life together.

I saw your additional info. I think you have a got a good head on your shoulders and you will make the right choice. I think that trying to make peace in your Mum's heart it is important for both you. Ask you Mum if she were in your bf's shoes what would she have done, perhaps at that point she will understand his choice. And one more thing, if his ex is an unfit mother why can't he take his kids and move back? I am not very sure of how things in US but in UK, if one of the parents is a drug addict the kids will go automatically to the other parent.

Answer 4

The way I see it, is that your boyfriend is a great man. You are totally right in suporting him going to be with his kids. I would have told him the same thing. He's lucky that you are understanding of this and not a selfish person! Its too bad your mom doesnt see this. Also....if you guys have lasted 9 months of him being that far away, you've got a *great* relationship!
Your totally rght about not letting your mom dictate your life! Your an adult and if she cannot accept your decisions well then, unfortunatly, maybe a Holiday without you or her grandkids will wake her up a bit.
Ive had some BF's in the past that my mother *hated* but she never would have said she was "done with me". She knew I had learn it on my own!

Answer 5

First of all, since you are going to your family's home (and I am assuming it is your parent's home) ... you do NOT need to "surprise" them at all --

AFTER ALL, it is your mother's home -- the home that you were raised in with a good and caring set of parents. She can have some hard feelings about this boyfriend (which are not really explained here ... ) that you need to acknowledge -- and ...

DO Call ahead and talk to the TWO of them (Your Parents) and NOTIFY them in advance of your plans ... for what you will do if you and he show up UNEXPECTEDLY ... is ALIENATE and cause TREMENDOUS FRICTION at what should be a Joyous and Happy time of year.

DO NOT use your children as a 'pawn or bargaining chip) to battle for the 'acceptance' of your boyfriend -- EVER ... they are the grandparents and believe me ... you never know what you have right in front of you UNTIL They are no longer there ... and if you do this .. you WILL Regret your actions in the end .....

Answer 6

I think you should just come out with it very matter of factly to your mom. I think you should say:

Mom, B/F is going to be in town seeing me at the time of the party and I'd like to bring him. So far you have not given me good enough reason why you don't like him anymore and I happen to love him. If he's not welcome here then I'm not going to show up with him, but with all due respect I am not going to leave him sitting on the sofa when he's come so far to see me either.
I think that sooner or later you are going to have to accept him back into your life because I do love him and respect him even more for wanting to be near his girls. I cherish our relationship mom, but in all fairness you need to at least try to meet me 1/2 way here and give me the benefit of the doubt. You need to trust my judgement and be supportive of my decision as he is the man I love.

Answer 7

Honey, that is a hard one!! What happened since you first got together that makes your Mom hate him so much? And, is he really worth you alienating your family? Think long and hard about this because family is the most important thing in the world. If you truly feel that this guy is your new family and you feel that he is worth causing a huge problem w/ your Mom, then I say, go for it!
Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

Answer 8

Your parents are just looking out for you. If you choose to be with this man, they will probably get over it. My guess is that they are afraid that you will end up moving 900 miles away. Are you their only child, and do they have any other grand children? These could be part of the problem.

Answer 9

Tell your mom that you love her very much, and you also love this man very much and he means alot to you. And even though she doesn't like him, you would really like her to try to get through Christmas eve, without any problems. Tell her that you don't wanna lose her or him. and it would mean alot to you for her to at least to act sincere to him. and if she still refuses then tell her you think she is acting very foolish and you would like to talk to her about this. Just explain how much he means to you. she should come around, but if she doesn't, don't abandon your family, go to the party... but don't abandon him, spend some time with him also. If he loves you he will understand why you can't abandon your family. Tell her you need to talk to her another day...soon...and work it out. Hope I help..

Answer 10

Don't make a big thing by telling her just show up with him..you are old enough to not have to answer to her anymore..he is your heart don't let her get in the way. If will make your bf feel better that you don't stress the situation either.