Was I wrong for not telling my friend something about her daughter?

Question

I have a step-daughter that is 17 years old that i have been very close to for 14 years now. About a 2 months ago,she came to me and informed me that she is sexually active with her boyfriend(her first) and asked if I would take her to get on birth control. Of coarse I would be there to help her since she stated that she did not want her mom to know about it.Now her mom found out that I was trying to help my step-daughter and is VERY MAD at me and says she can not trust me now with her kids because I did not come to her behind her daughters back to tell her about this situation. She claims that she is not mad because her daughter is having sex but angry at me because we are sapposed to be friends and I did not tell her. So am I wrong for not telling her mom or am I right to keep my word to my step-daughter and not say anything? Please help me out...Thanks!

Answer 1

You were not wrong. Your step-daughter came to you because she obviously wasn't comfortable going to her mother for whatever reason. It would have been wrong if you had betrayed your step daughter by telling her mother. Her mother is upset because her daughter came to you and not her, which probably made the green eyed monster come out. Being a confidant to your step daughter does not mean you were not being a friend to her mother. Has the daughter tried to step in the middle and explain to her mother why she went to you instead of her? I am confident that is really where the problem lies. You did the right thing and can have a clear conscience.

Answer 2

Are you obligated be be friends with your stepdaughters mom? I dont think so!
She's just jealous that her daughter confides in you more. Feel proud that you're the better mom
You didn't sign any contract saying that you have to always tell the mother everything...did you? no.
So you're right. I know you may feel bad a little, but you're right. You're being a good step-mom and I applaud you for that. Most step moms wont even help out their step kids (only a few of them will)

Answer 3

You were in the right with keeping your step daughter's confidence. You were also very correct by making sure that the girl was practising safe sex. A young woman who is seventeen is able to make a decision about being sexually active and you should be honoured that she trusted you enough to come to you instead of her mother. There are obviously some problems with the dynamics of their relationship. I would just continue to tell you stepdaughter that what you and her discuss will remain confidential, a girl that age needs an adult who will help them make good choices and guide them where they need to go. By telling her not to have sex her mother is only causing a further rift in their relationship and the possibility that the girl may end up pregnant or with a STD. It really is none of her mother's business as sex is a very personal matter. She was obviously afraid of being judged and she was probably right. Children that age are going to experiment and by denying they are is just setting the scene for disaster. You are being the responsible adult and don't stop. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

I think you did the right thing. All though you may value your relationship with her mom you also value your relationship with your step daughter. If someone comes to you in private you want to be a trust worthy person. Let her know this. She should be lucky that her daughter felt comfortable enough to go to you for help. Which actually makes me wonder if she is jealous and wished her daughter would have come to her? Anyway if I were you I would stick to your guns. She will either get over it or not. If not then oh well at least you're still trust worthy to your step daughter.

Answer 5

Wow...that sux...it's too late for you to change the fact that you didn't include "mom". It was a better idea to go with "daughter" to discuss it "all together", however that is assuming you get along with mom, I gathered you did. Now you need to "all" talk this out. Being a mother, I would hate to think my kids would go elsewhere for that kind of help. But, I don't know how "mom" would have reacted, if "daughter" didn't want to go to her, my guess is, negatively. As parents we need to accept our children for who they are, and maybe that is what hurt "mom". As stepmom maybe you should set up a lunch date for you three to get together and work through this, just let "mom" know that you never ment to exclude her, and that "daughter" put you in a very crappy situation. On the one hand, you didn't want "daughter" to get pregnant, and on the other you didn't want to betray her trust either. Then tell "daughter" that she cannot put you in that possition ever again, and that you will be there to assist her and "mom" any time, but it will be a team effort. No more leaving "mom", out of the loop. "Daughter" needs to respect both of you, not play you like that. Good Luck

Answer 6

I think you were very lucky to have her trust you enough to ask you to take her to the doctor. The mother needs to calm down, even tho her feelings are hurt because all mother's think their girl's will come to them at a time like that. You need to explain to the mother you were put in a very tough position, one of those no-win things. But the mother certainly should understand the trust the daughter was putting in you definitely is a lifetime treasure. The mother should now understand that you are a trustworthy person and when, not if, she need's your trust it will be there for her also. The mother has to look at this as a good thing. If she need's to be angry, she should only be angry at herself for there is a reason the daughter did not come to her. Kudo's to the daughter for protecting herself from pregnancy, and Kudo's to you for being there for her. It seem's to me the mother is the one that handled this badly. Hold your head up, you did the right thing!!

Answer 7

Sweetie, i understand all the trust issues at jeopardize but you have to bring in both parents especially if it involves drugs, you could have helped in a big way but being her friend, protect her by not letting her make this decision alone and knowing her family is there for her as mush as her friends(you). Think of you being her mom and your daughters step-mom didn't tell you, how would you react.

Answer 8

Both. On one hand, you word is what your step-daughter counts on. But on the other, Mom should've been told because of all the dangers and diseases out there now days. I think you were right to take her, but after should've sat down with her and explained that it was important to tell her mom. Maybe even offered her a choice to tell her herself or or have you do it if she was afraid. Hope Mom can work it out anyway, friendship is valuable.

Answer 9

NO! You were right and did very good act, and I like to tell you THANK YOU for NOT breaching the trust of that young girl.

It really does not matter if her mother is made on you; many people may be mad of you; you can NOT satisfy everyone...

YOUR main obligation is before 'y ourself'; if you were breaching the trust of that young woman then in whole your LIFE you would feel regret and SHAME.

I am sure one day her mother would understand what kind of GOOD friend you are for her. You are a person with VALUES that these days it is hard to find one.

Answer 10

Well, I think you should have told your step daughter that you have to tell her mom about it or you couldn't help her with the birth control. Either way it went you would have had to tell her mom because even if your stepdaughter didn't want you to tell her mom, you would have had to get the bc b'cuz you don't want her to be unprotected that way. You couldn't get her the birth control without telling her mom, b'cuz it's her mom! I would be furious if I was her mother. You were not wrong. But, yes her mother has a right to be mad.