Why do Women Give their children away knowing they can't support them?

Question

Lately i acquired a family secret through a family friend that i was adopted at 2months old.Iv'e confronted my adoptive mother about this: asked her why she kept this secret from me.She cried & confessed to me that my birth mother was a poor 18 y.o. girl who got pregnant early & didn't know what to do.She told me also that they adopted me because they wanted a boy at the time...hence all of my adoptive siblings are all girls. I had sleepless nights,bouts of depression over this and it's affecting people around me:co-workers,my employer,my friends and most of all,my adopted family. Now Mind You: i have no regrets whatsoever by being adopted by avery caring and loving family: they raised me right w/all the proper values and educated me. Here's my question: Why in the World do women do this?...don't they even realized that they're child who they gave away knowingly grows up not complete coz they don't know their real Mother? do i have the right to curse and resent her for what she did?

Answer 1

it is normal to feel resentment or the feeling that you were neglected, but you have to understand that this is the complete opposite.

putting a child up for adoption is considered a child-bearing loss and is rarely an easy decision for a mother. becoming pregnant with a child is an extremely intimate experience, and instant love makes this mother want to give the child everything. at 18-years-old, she was obviously not in a position to care for you herself. it is extremely painful for a parent to not be able to give him the xmas present he wanted, or take him to the zoo because she can't afford it.

having a child is extremely expensive, and for an 18-year-old, who is just barely an adult legally, but may not be mentally, there is no way she could have cared for you.

putting you up for adoption was her way of giving you the life she couldn't give you, so that you wouldn't resent her and hate her when she raised you in a single-parent environment at such a young age.

and if none of that changed your mind, please consider the fact that abortion may have been an option, and she obviously chose the best decision for you to have a good life. forgive and be grateful for a loving family and siblings.

Answer 2

You know you have to understand the position your mother was in. Look she was so selfless in this act that she took away her very happiness in having a baby, and she thought only about you and your future. Look when you are pregnant with a child you start to bond with that baby the moment you feel them kick, or see them on an ultrasound. I mean some mothers cannot go through the pain of losing their child through adoption or even death. I mean could you imagine the way your life would be if your mother had not given you up. She forgot all about her happiness and made some other couple happy. She also faced the fact that she would not be able to give you the life that you deserved, or that any other child deserved. I am sorry but you cannot resent or condemn your mother for that. I mean what if she had an abortion, you would not be sitting here today saying the things that you are saying.

Answer 3

You do know your real mother. Your real mother is the one who raised you, fed you, clothed you, and LOVED you for your entire life. Just because you didn't come from her womb does not mean she doesn't love you like you did. Your birth mother gave you up out of more love than you can imagine, in fact you will only know this love when you someday have a child of your own. Do not hate or curse her for her choice to give you a better life. Honestly, would you have rather of grown up on the streets with little or no education? You are probably still in shock,but over time you will realize your birth mother did the best for you she could at the time. Love your adopted mother for all she has been for you.

Answer 4

I can tell you from personal experience that there are many aspects and opinions regarding adoption. I was 17 and placed my son for adoption at birth. He went to a family that had adopted another boy a few years earlier. When my son reached 18 years of age, I literally began an intense search for him. It was to my dismay that when I found him he told me that his parents taught him that when I gave him up, I did it because I did not Love him or want him. Quite the opposite in fact. But, due to the influences of his upbringing he does not want any type of relationship with me. I am very hurt and this will remain with me for all my life when I know in my heart that I did the right thing. We don't always give up our babies so easily. I suggest that you try and find your birth parents and find out for yourself the real situation behind your placement for adoption. I cannot say that you will find what you want to find but knowing the truth should give you some type of resolution. We don't give our children away as you describe, we let them go, to a better and more stable future. You can curse and resent her all you want but please do so after you have learned the truth behind your adoption. I miss my son every day of my life and will never forget him. Nor will I curse or resent him for the way he was raised. Best of Luck to You.

Answer 5

I was adopted around the same time as you I feel this is hard for you to deal with because you were not told from the start. My loving parents told me as soon as I could talk and it never has been an issue for me. You are so forchanent to have met your biological mother what I would give to be able to do that. I live in NY ware it is impossible to get a closed adoption record. I could only imagine what that felt like finding out as a young adult that would feel devastating. Your birth mother wanted to do the right thing for you and give you a better chance for a HAPPY life it was not selfish of her if she was selfish you would have been an ABORTION! Good luck sorting this all out. Feel happy you were wanted.

Answer 6

You have the right to feel any way you want to,It is very hurtful when a parent gives their child away.Now if you had known this all of your life you might not have such hard feelings.It was probably the best thing for you that she did give you up,You have to know that it was probably the hardest thing she ever did in her life.But at that age and with no job you and her might would have ended up on the streets where you would have ended up bouncing from foster home to foster home,So be thankful she put you up for adoption and you was placed with a loving and caring family.Try to find your real mom and talk this over with her,you will be amazed how better you will feel if you do.Good luck

Answer 7

you have the right to feel however you want about your biological mother. you should also think about from a different angle as well. you birth mother got pregnant with you, knew she couldn't raise you etc, but she chose to give you life, and in that life you having a caring and loving family--that you may not have had had your birth mother kept you, or honestly she could have chosen to abort you but she wanted to give you a chance at a better life, and by putting you up for adoption she wanted to give you a better chance at having a better life than maybe she could have given you. there are many resources out there if you wanted to contact your birth mother to maybe answer your questions etc to get some closure. your adoptive parents may even know who/where and all that info. good luck, and remember at least she gave you a chance at life. how many people's lives would have turned out differently had you not been in them.

Answer 8

As a new mother, I can tell you it must have been hellish for her to give you away. Not that it wasn't hellish for you to find out....

Many women simply can not ( thankfully) chose abortion. And with so many couples wanting a child and unable to have them, it seems the right thing to do if found in a difficult spot to want the best for your child and give them a better home than you can give them. That is the ultimate sign of love...when you want the best for someone even though it may put you through hell for the rest of your life.

I know you must be angry....but I can 99% guarantee it was the hardest thing she ever did or will ever do. And you don't need to give birth to a child to be a mother. A mother is the one who raises you and gives you love and teaches you about life...doesn't have to be related by blood necessarily.

Answer 9

You wrote you have had a good life. Your mother did what she thought was best as she could not provide for you. She also did not believe in abortion or she would have had one. Try to find it in your heart to forgive her for whatever you think she did wrong putting you up for adoption. Forgiving her will free you from the pain and depression that you are experiencing. You may not understand why she did it, but she loved you enough to give you up for adoption so that you would have a better life than she thought she could give you. You are coming out of the shock of finding out. Maybe you could have delt with it differently if you had been told. Please see someone for counseling.

Answer 10

Did you feel incomplete prior to knowing you were adopted? The birth mother as all that give up their child are doing the right thing, they are giving the baby a chance, in her mind it she may have contimplated adoption or abortion, arent you glad she gave you life & a chance. I think you need some counceling & to understand your "adopted mother" is your mother your "biological mother" gave you life & a chance that is all. Best of Luck!