What should I do about my child?

Question

He's 11 and he has no manners, he's direspectful to me at home and in public, tries to beat up his brother all the time who is 13, and doesn't get along with his stepfather at all. I have tried to discipline my children with postiive parenting ways and traditional ways but nothing works. I've put him in counseling-didn't work. I've had to call the law on him because he has hit me before.I grew up respecting my parents or I would get the $$$ beat out of me. He refuses to do anything I ask him to without a hassel. He wants to live with his real dad but he's a bad influence on him and I would have to give up custody of him. I can't bring myself to do it. Plus I can't afford child support. I go to school full time plus trying to keep up with homework, studying and raising my 2 boys. I don't know what else to do -family counseling didn't help either. I'm lost and all I get is feeling guilty. I've tried to raise my boy's right and nothing seems to work.

Just to clarify a few things. I quit my last job 2 years ago to solely be home with my 2 boys. Nothing I have tried has worked. As for school, I have wanted to go back to school since they were little but have always worked because up until 7 years ago I was a single mother. Since I have been remarried I have tried to give them so much attention. Making time for them together and alone doing what they want. Now it has come to I have to go to school inorder to a good paying job. We are "two steps" from having to go on food stamps once again. The only reason I get to go to school is because I have grants and loans. We have tried several counseling types both together and seperately-not working. As for the 11 year olds father, he's in the picture but wont allow him to be put on meds. He tells him he doesn't need them. My husband has tried to spend time with them indiv. and together but they accept him. My oldest son,in the last 2-3 years has started acting up big-time also.

Answer 1

Try a different method of counselling. If you tried one way..go for another. Maybe the councillor wasn't good for your son. Just like everything in life, we all have who we connect to better than others. Ask your Dr for referrals to different councillors..or check out for play therapy for kids. You boy is very angry and upset over something in his life, and I'm sure he does not like how angry he feels all the time. Please do not give up with getting help, it might take a bit to get to a person who connects well with your son, and it most likely will take quite a while for any real positive results to show within him...but it will happen..just not over night.

Answer 2

I wish I had a magic answer for you, but there isn't one. I can tell you that there is no way that he all of a sudden has started acting like this. It has to have been developing all along.

Counseling is a good idea, but it is only as good as the counselor. Find someone who you feel comfortable with who is not afraid to challenge you as well. It also should be the whole family. It may be hard to take but it isn't all him, nor is it all you. You are a family and everybody makes up the home dynamic.

Be loving, be consistent, and be firm. Be assertive and respectful.

Try telling him exactly how what he does makes you feel. Try asking him what he would do if he were the father and his son did whatever he has done to get in trouble. This puts the responsibility of his own discipline in his hands.

There is no quick fix, and even when you find what works it will be a long hard road. Just remember, your babies need you no matter how old or independent they are.

Hope this helps in some small way.

Answer 3

You have my sympathy. I worked at a children's behavioral facility with boys who showed the same problems your son has. This is what we did there. Make out a schedule for him, to include what he should be doing every 30 minutes. This will give him more structure. Some kids need that. Make sure to plan time for play time everyday, time for you to help him with his homework, and even a little TV time. I would also try more therapy. Some of the boys I worked with went through 2 or 3 therapist before they found one they felt comfortable with.

We also put all of our rules in writing, sat down with the child and explained each one and the consequence of what would happen if a rule was broken. We would have the child to sign it, then when he broke a rule, we could bring out the contract and show what rule he broke and why he was being disciplined. Don't be afraid to take away everything. Physical violence is reason to be on total LOCKDOWN! No TV, no games, no playing with toys or others. You get to sit in your room with nothing but a bed.

If you cant get a hold on your son, he will end up in a place like this. And, I promise, you are a lot more understanding than some of the people who work in those facilities. Structure and discipline. Put your foot down and show your son how much you care for him. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Answer 4

Something here isnt right. The child needs some discipline in his life. The step dad might have to be the one as boys are normally more intimidated by men growing up. Thats not to say beat the kid or anything but he should have some fear of consequence in his life. You can't continue to let him walk all over you. Maybe a system of rewards/punishments would work but as hard as it is, you must be firm and consistent with it. I dont think he is a bad kid, but I think there is definately a lack of discipline here. Also, the fact that he might resent having a 'step dad' might be a factor here. Since his real dad isnt around, he might resent the fact that he isnt in the picture anymore and might blame you for that. At that age, he probably doesnt fully understand that there are reasons you two arent together.

I feel for you here as I'm sure you've tried many ways to correct this behavior. Good luck and try to get his step-dad involved in solving this problem. Try to be friends with him and try to involve yourself in things you all enjoy. Sit him down and ask him what you can do to compromise and solve this situation. Maybe all he's seeking is attention and maybe you arent giving it to him. I wish you luck!

Answer 5

I was a care giver to 3 very difficult boys who did not have a male role model in their lives. They were very rude and disrespectful. I found what worked on all three was they just need to talk out their feelings, it took a while because boys are not very open about their feelings. We always had quite time or we would make a snack together. It was during this time they would open up to me. They would talk about their father or the boyfriends their mothers brought home. I would tell them how they are feeling was understandable and I sympathise with them, but their behaviour is making it worse and would offer suggestions on how to handle difficult situations without making a big scene. I had these boys every day after school for about an hour. When school was over for the summer, I was really sad to see them go. They were such gentleman's, very polite, and thoughtful. Sometimes boys need their space and maybe someone, like a friend to hear out their problems but not judge them.

Answer 6

He's very angry for some reason and doesn't understand nor how to deal with it so he's aggressive. Any chance he'd talk to you one-on-one if you tried to find out what the real problem is?

don't feel guilty ( I know, easier said than done). In the end, we can only do our best..the kid has to take some responsibility for his actions to. And your other son isn't acting like that, right? You sound like a good mom to me.

If it were me I would tell him firmly, 'Look, I love you but I am not going to take this from you anymore." You need to talk to him in a way that will shock and surprise him...dont be too nice about it either. He's trying to bully you and you need to regain control

Answer 7

He might be making you miserable because he thinks he will fustrate you and you will want him to go. Maybe his Dad disappointed him some way and he is feeling rejected by his Dad and could blame you just because your there and he feels bad. Have you tried taking and afternoon and doing what he wanted to. Maybe his Dad needs to spend some more time with him in mornings or afternoons ( so you know he will be okay). And my last suggestion ( my stepson) I killed him with kindness and we grounded him to us instead of punishing him and it actually worked. We praised a lot which was hard B/C he was making us so miserable but the littlest thing we praised and I made sure I commented casually that he looked nice and that his hair looked good. But I actually catch him now doing things positive. Tell him you love more than anything and that you would be miserable if he didn't live with you and that you couldn't go on. Good luck to you!

Answer 8

My quick analysis is that he craves attention. Obviously you are very busy trying to make ends meet. I would really try to consider putting your children first and putting school and work in second place until your child is at least 18. Children do not take take direction easily. They need constant repetitive correction and you can't do that if you are not there full time. Put school, work on hold for a few years. If you really can't then maybe you should consider transferring custody to their father. Can't your present husband support you? If not why not?

Answer 9

Have you tried martial arts. It's a wonderful way for a child to learn respect and inner discipline. My daughters instructor has the magic touch where respect is concerned. Talk back and you do 10 minutes of crab crawls. You may want to talk to some instructors because they are familiar with getting the best out of the toughest cases.

Answer 10

I believe you should take away his T.V., any computer access, and force him to be polite. Take away his door. Give him pink blankets.

Whatever you do, don't be a push-over. You've got to prove you're the alpha and that he's the omega.

Beat the $h!t out of him it he hits you. Make it apparent that you will not tolerate this sort of behavior.

However, make sure that when he is behaving right, you treat him nicely. After you punish him severely (read: taking away all privileges and spanking his *** into a bloody pulp), comfort him but make it apparent you don't want him acting that way.