Whats The Funniest Joke you know????

Answer 1

Little Johnny was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually he slept through the class. One day the teacher called on him while he was napping, ’’Tell me, Johnny, who created the universe?’’

When Johnny didn’t stir, little Mary, an altruistic girl seated in the chair behind him, took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. ’’God Almighty !’’ shouted Johnny and the teacher said, ’’Very good’’ and Johnny fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Johnny, ’’Who is our Lord and Savior?’’ But Johnny didn’t even stir from his slumber. Once again, Mary came to the rescue and stuck him again. ’’Jesus Christ!’’ shouted Johnny and the teacher said, ’’Very good,’’ and Johnny fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Johnny a third question, ’’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’’ And again, mary jabbed him with the pin. This time Johnny jumped up and shouted, ’’If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’’

Answer 2

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

15) Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples, as J.C. and the boys.

Answer 3

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild screaming, romantic session, she turned
on the lights.




She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bXXXXXd," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her
straight in the eyes and says calmly:










"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

or...

Why'd Timmy fall off his bike?


'Cos someone threw a fridge at him!!!!

Answer 4

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with
"That's a beautiful name, is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied

Answer 5

Your cricket team. Sorree, but how many agree? Barmy Army kept me in stitches for weeks. As for the commentators, oh Holy God.
Now, in fairness, I won't say anything about the shortage of hookers for the rugby team.

Answer 6

Ok but you are going to have to use your picture imagination. You must be able to picture this situation. Okay, this will take me a while to type because I am slow, so I hope your appreciate it.

This grumpy old guy is about to start his golf game by teeing off at #1
This guy walks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

The old grump turns around and the guy hands him a note which says....
excuse me, I am a deaf-mute and was wondering, that is if you don't mind, if I start my golf before you?

The old grump gets nasty and throws the note at him.....he says..
get out of here, I am tired of all you handicaps expecting me to feel sorry for you. now get away from me so I can golf.

The old grump hits the ball, not such a great shot but he moves up and is lining up the next shot.......

Suddenly he gets whacked in the back of the head with a golf ball....

He turns around and what does he see..............
(imagination time)

The deaf-mute is standing back there, he's holding up his hand with four fingers up d:O)

(hope you liked it)

Answer 7

Borat

Answer 8

a duck walked into a pharmacy and asked:ya got any duck food the pharmacist said :no *the duck walked out* the next day the duck walked in again and ask :ya got any duck food the pharmacist said :no *the duck walked out* this kept on happening for 2 weeks and then finally the duck asked :ya got any duck food the pharmacist yelled : NO I DO NOT AND WILL NEVER HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD SO THE NEXT TIME YOU ASK FOR DUCK FOOD I AM GOING TO NAIL YOU TO THE FLOOR the duck walked out, the next day the duck walked in and asked:ya got any nails the pharmacist said : no the duck said : got any duck food?

Answer 9

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

Answer 10

The one by Poohnbaby. Veryy funny.