depressed got any jokes?

Question

i could use a laugh right now, do you know any good jokes?

Answer 1

- well in heaven you need a way of transportation. The way to determine what kind you get is how many times you cheated on your spouse.
if you cheat 10 times you get a bike. if you cheat 5 times you get a crappy car. if you don't cheat at all you get an AWESOME CAR!!!

so this guy was driving along in his crappy car and he drove up to this guy in a nice car and he was crying. and the guy in the crappy car goes, "why are you crying you have a NICE car?"
and the other guy says, "I just saw my wife riding a BIKE!"
"oh..."
so he keeps driving and he drives up to this guy on a bike and he is laughing.
"why are you LAUGHING?" the guy asks
and the guy on the bike replys, "i just saw the POPE on a BIKE!!!"

Answer 2

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an

Urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's

home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your

Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the

boss asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered

answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a

Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is

that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just

landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a

little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

Answer 3

The traveling incense salesman was walking along the dusty road out of New Delhi when he realized he needed a place to sleep. He saw the root gatherers hut in the distance and headed for it. He knocked at the entrance-way and the root gatherer came to the door and said "Yes". The incense salesman said, " I am a traveling incense salesman and I need a place to sleep for the night." The root gatherer said, " You are welcome to sleep here, but you will have to sleep up in the loft with my daughter." He answered "OK" and climbed the ladder to the loft. The next morning he came down and squatted down next to the root gatherer and accepted a cup of tea. The root gatherer asked, "Did you enjoy sleeping with my daughter?". The salesman said, "Yes I did very very much, but I have to ask, why was there rice in her mouth?". The root gatherer replied, "Oh, that is not rice, that is maggots, she has been dead for two years."

Answer 4

A woman gets on a bus with her babuy. The bus driver says "Thats e ugliest baby that I've ever seen.Ugh!" The woman goes 2 the rear of the bus & sits down, fumin. She says 2 a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Answer 5

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

Answer 6

this is a yo mamma joke

your mamma must be a race car driver cause she burns more rubber than i've ever seen!

Answer 7

your mom is so ugly, when she looked out the window the police yelled, "No mooning."

Explicit(read at your own risk) yo momma like a shotgun, two cocks and she blows

who owns the orphanage

the seal. orph orph anage

hope you liked those

Answer 8

Little Johnny goes to his mum and says "Mum, whats that prawn hanging from granny's fanny?" She says, "No son, thats a clitoris"
Johnny says " F***ing tastes like prawn"

Hope thats not too naughty for ya

Answer 9

knock knock
whos there
christmas
christmas who
christmas tree!!!

ya that one is dumb but here is another dumb one

knock knock
whos there
cargo
cargo who
cargo BEEP BEEP!

Answer 10

how do you know a terrorist is depressed? he doesn't want to kill himself....