my father wants to turn my son into a "man" - but he is a nasty peace of work?

Question

you may remember me asking about the teddybear and my 13 year old son, thank you all for the reinsurance, i and all of you where right.

anyway, feeling a bit foolish for ever having doubts, i told my dad (sons grand dad) the whole situation. and he went mad! he called my son a "******", which is a rude term for a gay if you dont know. my son wasnt in the room, but still just a bad. he went mad, he called me a terrible parent saying i was too soft and i should of put that bear in the bin when he was 10(desided not to mention my 10 year old still has his bear too)

and after a little rant, he told me he was going to take my son away for a week over the christmas hoildays to man him up. well i was furious and i said no, no way in hell! but he went and told my son anyway they where going to have a trip togther, and this is where the problem is.

my son wants to go - he wont take no for an ansewer and i dont want to tell him his granddad called him a ******

they have a great relationship they get on real well.

the problem is he is old fasion and doesnt take verywell to any childish behavour even from children, he also is very stricked when it comes to discipline, i am worryed that if i let him alone with him for a week, my son may push him over the line and he may to something i dont want him to do (spank him)

but they both want to spend the week with each other, and my son, who i have allready said no, wont take no for an ansewer but i dont want to tell him the truth - it will upset him.

and my wife thinks he should go, he wont do him any harm but she doesnt no my dad like i know my dad

ive only let him be alone with my kids when my mother was still alive, but she died a year an a half ago and she used to stop him crossing the line i could trust her and this would be the first time he would of been alone with them since then and i dont think i can trust him.

Answer 1

There is a difference in being old fashioned and a bully. You dad is a bully. Do you really think he will not call your son that name to his face? I would NEVER let my son be alone with anyone that might have belittled/humiliated/hurt him. No way in hell!! I was blessed with a wonderful father that adored my kids. I am so sorry your boys will miss that bonding experience. You stated that your wife does not know him the way you do -- about time she does -- explain IN DETAIL some of the things that have happened to you (or your siblings) and I bet she changes her mind. If not, hold tight and override her! Protect your son - period. Good luck & God Bless.

Answer 2

You probably know your father the best and you seem seriously worried. Your dad probably won't really hurt him and your son may not want to go again if he is rough on him to man him up, but if you really think your dad might use poor judgment that would put your boy at risk of harm, your first obligation is to your child.

You might want to explain that grandpa has different and tougher expectations of what a boy should be than you do and that you are thinking of his feelings (your sons) and safety.

My daughter has some reasons to think that her oldest boy (12) may be exhibiting gay tendencies. I.E. saving surfer photos and he isn't doing it because he likes surfing. He told he liked to look at the guys. They are not naked or dirty pics, so she and his father let him keep the pics. The bear won't make your son gay, and man-ing him up won't prevent that. If my grandson lost the pics and he discovers he's gay later, having the pics taken away would not stop it and my daughter knows this and she knows it also may be developmental curiosity. I agree with her. He's a great kid anyway and we will love him without regard to his eventual preference.

Now my point is, even if I didn't like the picture situation, it is not my child or my business to remove them and your father needs to know this is your child and your wife's and to not take the bear away.

You may be letting him have more say than he should.

Finally, you (and your wife) are the only ones who can say no to your son and if so he has to accept that answer, it is tough but you are the parent and the adult. And really finally, I don't know whether telling him how his grandpa feels is all that bad.

Be the parent, Be sure of yourself and don't let an outside party interfere with you raising your child. Work out your strategy with you wife though, she is the other one here who does have say in this too.

Answer 3

Let him go, but go with them....if your dad says no, then you can tell your son that grandpa is being unreasonable. What's wrong with your dad joining you on a little manly bonding time...right?

But there is no way in hell I'd let my son go off with him. Maybe you should mention that one of your son's Christmas presents (that was going to be a surprise) happened to be a weekend with you or something like a day at the local perfect swing or whatever indoor funpark you have. My husband takes the boys out to the statepark and they rent a cabin..which is totally cheap over the winter season.

Good luck. Don't envy you this one.

Answer 4

If you are really concerned about it then dont let him go. Tell your son - I am your father and for reason you are to young to understand yet you cant go. Then offer to take him somewhere or the two of you do something together. Your son will get over soon but you are the parents. Doesnt matter if your son will accept no for an answer. He doesnt knwo what is best for him. Like I said: follow your instincts.

Answer 5

I'm really sorry about your wife..I work with children and I answered your last question. You should let him go if you can go with them. Otherwise I think your father is in the stone age and he could mentally damage your child.If you aren't exaggerating on what your father is like then you do need to be concerned.Plus look at how many problems u had with him and how u view life. Good luck

Answer 6

Most mothers are WAY TOO SOFT nowadays. Just look around. Why are alot of the kids real bad these days? Because they have no "fear of when dad gets home" That's the problem. They aren't scared of anything. I have seen mothers give in over and over and over again. That's why the kids dont learn anything. Let the kid go. It's not like he's going to hurt him or anything. He will show him a different side to things. One parent in the family just isnt enough. It takes both moms and dads to make them see the " light ". Just so you know, i raised 2 daughters of my own. They turned out very respectful of others unlike most of the kids today. Tell the kid to stop carrying around that bear. He's 13 not 3. Fine to have it in his room but if he's carrying it around like a toddler carries his blanket, you have issues !!!

Answer 7

being a mother myself, i would go with my first instinct.......if you feel that your son should not go, then thats it. you have to stand up for your parental rights and let your father know that he raised you the way he saw fit, now you are raising your sons the way you see fit. as far as your son wanting to go, you have to put your foot down, and maybe tell him that after the holidays you can go have a guys day out, with your dad......kinda make up for it.....i had to stand up to my dad, and it helped. now i'm the mom and my dad steps aside when i put my foot down......good luck, i know how hard it is. hope everything works out for you.

Answer 8

Brilliant!