need help from all you moms about blended families?

Question

I'm newly wed to a divorced dad of a 8yr old son.Jim's exwife is very bitter about this and jealous of me.I think i have made the situation worse by getting involved in the childs school.I attend parent/teacher conferences with jim and other functions.This has really pissed his ex off as she feels she should be the one going with jim not me.She has sent a very nasty letter to the school board saying i am not to have any contact with her childs school.Have i over stepped my bounderaries as a step parent?Should i just back off for now?Jim likes me to go with him but if she is going to make a stink about it he will not stick up for me,as he feels it will just hurt his son.

step moms can you also tell me how involved you are in your step childs life

Answer 1

My situation is a bit different but I can certainly sympathize with yours. I have a son from a previous marriage...his father is in the army and is not here most of the year, so my husband is pretty much his acting father. My husband attends his preschool functions, gymnastics classes, you name it. When his dad comes rolling into town a couple times a year he is all up in arms about it. In my opinion a step-parent is a parent, they are to be there for the kids every step of the way and the biological parents need to be supportive of this roll. The only thing that is going to hurt his son is their bickering. Tell him for his son's sake he needs to (privately) address his ex about the issue and stand firm. He needs to let her know that like it or not you are a big part of their son's life and will be for the foreseeable future so she needs to understand that you are going to do the best you can to support him and if that means that you attend conferences and sporting events and such, so be it. He needs to let her know that she is welcome to attend also, but everyone needs to be on their best behavior for their son's sake. Kudos to you for wanting to be involved and supportive :)

Answer 2

I have a nine year old stepson and for the past three years he has lived with his dad and I. His mom really isn't around for him and hasn't been for some time now. I do all the things that a mom should and would do without any of the "legal" benefits so to speak. I don't think that you have overstepped your bounds in any way. If your husband wants you there and you are actively involved in the childs life then more power to you. As for the ex, from my own experience it's mostly jealously because she screwed up and now sees that she did. Like i said I've been there, done that. I'm not saying that you guys should fight about it by any means. Has she always wanted an active role in her child education? If not, ask yourself why now. She cannot control the things you do so don't worry about that. Talk to your husband tell him how it makes you feel that he will not stand up for you. Have you tried to talk to the mom? I tried that and for a while it worked and then she just decided all of a sudden that I shouldn't be there for my stepson but she doesn't want to be either and in my opionion someone needs to be there. I'm on two sides of the fence, I'm a stepmom and I'm a mom whose ex has a g/f so I'm sort-of torn, all I can say is try lots of different things and see what works for the family.
Feel free to e-mail me...kayleibunny99@yahoo

Answer 3

my b/f has a 6 year old from a previous marriage. The mom goes with the dad to school conferences. I think its the right thing to do. I don't get jealous. Shes the mom and hes the dad. They both have a right to know whats going on as far as school is involved. I will attend holiday concerts etc with the father and we will all sit together. I think its good for the child to know that we all get along! I get involved by asking questions to both her and the dad. Its hard being a step mom good luck to you!

Answer 4

I so wish I could talk to you..............I am living this right now, but on the mother side of the story. Please know that there are a lot of hurt feelings there.......and the child should be the one that is the focus. Do what you need to do to protect that child from guilt and blame and emotional hurt. If that means that you bow out of a parent teacher conference then do it. A child will place blame on himself for seemingly illogical reasons and to feel torn between two parents is torture on a child. Jim is right to tell you that the tent ion will harm his son, it will. but he does need to have your back, again a fine line here. Do what is in the best interest of the child, they will thank you for it in the long run. If she is the one who is blaming and putting the child in the middle, the child will see that and it will come back to haunt her later. Your role as the step parent is to support your husband in the decisions that he makes in regards to his child. You are a supportive person, and that is what you need to do. Good luck and thank you from one mother to a step mother, for being so concerned to ask this. It really makes me feel better.

Answer 5

First and foremost, you have EVERY right to attend anything that pertains to your step-son UNLESS the ex has a legal restraining order against you OR something from the courts that states such.

She is just bitter and that is HER problem.

ONLY if your husband wants HER going with him, can she "GO" with him. Otherwise, she goes alone or with whoever elsa she wants to go with.

Her jealousies are NOT your problem. You have to be a good step mother and that is it. While you can't take the psycho mother's place, you certainly can be a positive adult figure in the young lad's life. Don't try to be his friend either. Just a positive role model, someone he can go to for confidence or help.

To maybe break the ice with the psycho mother, maybe you can take your step son to go buy her a Christmas gift from him? Ask him if he'd like to get his mother "a little" something for Christmas. Something nice might be a mug with his picture on it? Have him wrap it up. And oh.... let your husband stay home for this one. That way your step son can tell his mom that "you" took him. Even if she throws the gift in the trash... TRUST ME, it will be a little chip off of the "ice wall" she has around her.

Anyway, good luck on this one. I think if you play your cards right, you will eventually break down the "ice" that she is surrounded in. Just speak about her cordially to her son, maybe prod him to call her when he is with you guys. Always return anything back to her house in good/clean order (IE. clothes that he may have worn from her house to yours), etc.


Been there, done that and now, the mom and I are on very good terms!

Answer 6

Well considering that my 3 step sons ages 6,4,and 3 live with my husband,me and our daughter 1 year old cause their mom would rather geet high then deal with her kids.I am the one who is involved with their school things,docter appointments ect. Their mom just calls when ver she feels like it.I actually have more to do with the boys school things and life then their dad does because he works out of state for 10 days at a time.So I can't really help you out to much sence our situations are different but I think it is good and cool that you wanna be involved in your step sons school things.

Answer 7

Who does the child live with? If he lives in your home you have every right to attend the meetings with your husband. I have had meetings with both sets of parents present. Some parents can be very civil and act in the child's best interest, while others act like total jerks in front of teachers, administrators, everybody. There is no right or wrong, just what is best for the child.

Answer 8

She can't force you not to go to your step son's school to attend such functions without reasonable cause. She is just jealous because you are with her ex husband and the father of their child...it's just a little game that she is playing. Just always be considerate and ignore the rude behavior. And make sure that you step son knows that he is loved by all of you!

Answer 9

I'd ask myself whether your involvement in the child's school benefits the child. If so, then you should continueto be involved, and your husband needs to stand up to the ex and explain why you're taking an active role. It's not up to the school to keep you out of the education process. Sounds like she just needs to be put in her place.

Answer 10

depending on how long they have been divorced?But If I were you I would just let alot of it slid if there are no threats towards you.The EX may just be having a hard time dealing with the situation with another female in her son's life,and having control.So does she go to any of these events?and if so she would see your just trying to do the best you can in the situation.