Did you realize, as an adult, that were treated poorly by one or both or your parents?

Question

My parents were not too big on empathy, and I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child.When I was sick, my mother would either accuse me of faking or yell at me for "getting sick again" I was called stupid, dumbo, etc. for various reasons. My mom said I was "as big as a house" when I was maybe 20 lbs overweight.I was dragged into their arguments.There was never any physical abuse of or by anyone.Once when I fell roller skating and hit my head HARD, I got nauseous, terrible headache, irritability etc. My dad picked me up at the rink, I told him what happened. I dont remember what he said right then, but on the way home in the car he suddenly yelled, "STOP BEING SO FRESH!!" Hello...I was nauseous, terrible headache, irritability which are common following a bump on the head. I cried all the way home, he just ignored me.My mom called the doc, he said to bring me to ER if I vomited,I didint. I think this is really gettingto me because a few weekends a month my boyfriends son is here.

He is rude, disrespectful, has a bad attitude, bad manners, and pretty much gets away with it unless I really b*tch.My BF feels guilty about getting divorced and tries to be the kids friend as opposed to a parent.All of this is really getting to me.I am close to saying the child can no longer visit. He goes therapy sometimes. He did not go for about 8 months and got much worse during that time. He has been going again for a month.His mother works about 70 hours a week and refuses cut back to pay more attention to him.He also has learning and emotional disabilities, causes my BF to be quite lenient with him.There is a lot of tension between us right now because I will not allow him to move in.The kid also has a history of violence.He has shoved me, hit his mom, and attacked kids at school furiously swinging his fists.He is 12 with the skills of a 7 year old, and very big and strong for his age.The good news is my parents and I pretty much get along ok, and my self esteem is up 500%

AS for therapy for myself, this is a small New England town where everyone knows everyones business. I am also short on time due to work and school. As I said my parents and I usually get along OK, but they do have a habit of calling the house at times that know are inconvenient for me. Dinner study and sleep time are often interrupted.It is almost always to ask me to do something for them.My most recent argument with them was over their habit of calling me early in the morning before I go to work, and another minor disagreement because my Christmas decorations arent up yet at MY house, and they wont be until next week when exams are over. I simply do not have the time, and my BF works long hours this time of year in retail management. Everything is just adding up all around me. Sometimes I tempted to move across the county and say f--- everybody.

I am not saying anyone was "the culprit" The thing I mentioned being called stupid etc, happened continually not just once.My father yelled at me to leave the dog alone the day I came home from the hospital after surgery right before I moved out. I could go on but I am seriously running out of room.

Answer 1

The best thing to do is give the boy a chance and let him know that where you live isn't where he came from and that you do things differently.When he does something good praise him.He could just have a very low selfesteem and is looking for attention by doing what he does.It will be hard but give it a shot.I was abused by my parents when young and today,we don't talk.I'm still tired of being screamed at and disrespected,tired of being to blame for their mistakes,everytime I try make amends.I've given up to save myself from their need to be angry at someone.No-one knows how the little one really feels inside.Reach out...
Goodluck...

Answer 2

As a parent, we do the best we know how. Sometimes when I look back, I think "boy, I would have done that differently". My oldest daughter is 22 years old and we talk a lot now. I also have a 11 year old son and my daughter tells me all the time that he gets away with a lot more than she did.
When you grow as a parent, you realize that some things are just not worth the battle. I learned to choose my battles wisely when my younger children came along.
I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to judge your parents too harshly. It will only make you crazy. It's over and done with and you can't change it. If you confront them about it, it will only bring you and them grief. They probably did the best they know.

There is no excuse for abuse or neglect and sometimes I think they are confused with ignorance.

Answer 3

Duh... could you repeat the question? Okay I got it now!

Seriously, what do you want, your parents offenses or rather their shortcomings, were minor. That's just the way they are, be thankful they didn't deal out any real abuse, and the rest of your gripes are nothing monumental, just everyday little problems.

That little boy of your (BF) sounds like the real victim in this vicious triangle of uncaring adults. How sad that nobody has any time or genuine concern for him.

But really, you're not his stepmother or anything, just Daddy's girlfriend and he's not actually your problem, you might have a new BF next month? Maybe that's what you should do, just get a new BF, two problems solved add one new problem.

As for all the rest, it's called everyday living, deal with it. I wonder what you're going to do if you ever have any really devastating hard knock you down to your knees, problems?

.

Answer 4

I read your entire question, and I agree you should make time for therapy.Your parents were one extreme, you boyfriend is the opposite extreme when it comes to raising kids. Of course this is frustrating to you. I have seen some of your other questins as well and can tell you are a very caring person, despite the lack of empathy you received from your parents.. Tell your BF his son can no longer visit if he does not behave, and dont let him move the kid in whatever you do. You have given the son plenty of chances. Screen calls from your parents. You own the house..you make the rules.

Answer 5

So what exactly is your question. You are an adult and you think because your dad didn't do something once you were abused. Get over it. Your mother told you you were overweight once. Get over it. If these are evidence of abuse to you, then you have no idea of what abuse is.
Then suddenly the boyfriends son is the culprit. Sounds to me like you have a history of blaming everyone else for your own inadequacies.
Time for adulthood. Doesn't matter what happened in your childhood, you get to be the big girl now. Make up your mind how you are going to act and react. Sit down with the boyfriend and work out rules of behavior for his son, then enforce them.
Quit being so self-centered and be the adult.

Answer 6

well i understand where you are coming from i was not treated very good as a child and it has affected me but i deal with it and am able to let go of the past.I think maybe until you are married to this man you really don't have any right feeling the way you do about his son.The best thing you can do is stay out of it until you become his stepmother.You have to understand that the kid is angry that his parents are no longer together and if his mom doesn't pay attention to him then he is really angry you just have to let your boyfriend deal with it and if you think you can't handle it you need to break things off with him because thats the last thing the child needs is for someone else to hate him because he probably feels like everyone hates him and its all his fault.I am a stepmother and i don't like my stepdaughter very much but i love my husband and my kids so i deal with it and try not to show that i dislike her.

Answer 7

Your husband needs to be this kids father not his friend. The kid needs a parent that he feels loves him for who he is. Kids need boundaries and your husband needs to set some for him. Your husband may benefit from a bit of counselling too to learn how to deal with a child with disabilities as his son has. He should not feel quilty unless he lets this continue without trying to work with it and his son. If he does nothing, then he should feel guilty about that.

Answer 8

Oy hun that became long lol! i'm sorry to assert this yet he's a douche! i desire it particularly is slightly yet perhaps is he hiding something from you? he's so huge on the abortion project even if you spoke your piece. I say get all your bearings jointly and get custody NOW. you're able to try this previously the toddler is born. luckily issues labored out ok between my fiancee and that i in the top yet we've been so waiting to combat for custody. initiate telling him which you wont refer to him and not making use of a witness/criminal expert/or a consented recording. You dont want him twisting your words and you like somebody to take heed to him make those unrealistic threats! good luck to you, i myself desire he's being a jerk quickly!

Answer 9

I'm not sure what your question is. Are you having trouble with coming to terms with your childhood or is the real issue your stepson? Maybe you are afraid you are treating the child the way your parents treated you? Abuse of any kind is a cyclical thing and you have to break it or repeat it. Been there...

Answer 10

My dad was rarely around growing up, and apparently neglect is worse than any form of physical/sexual abuse as a child.

So I guess that could be considered being treated poorly, yeah.