Ok I started dating this girl 4 months ago...we fell in Love fast and spend almost everday together. We are both in our mid 20's. Recently (last 2-3 weeks) we ran into some rough stuff in our familes...deaths of relatives , fights with parents..etc. So naturally I have wanted to see her and spend time with her in order to get comfort. She on the other hand has been more distant and alot less afectionate. So I have been constantly asking her whats wrong, and if it was me, and how she feels about me. She always reassures me that its not me and that she loves me, but her actions do not back it up. I explained to her that I am only feeling insecure due to her actions, and she said that my insecurity is pushing her away, and so it snow balls. Im feeling taken for granted. I spoke to her today about why she seems to be happier when she hangs out with her friends than when she hangs out with me, and she said its cause they dont pester her about whats wrong. Help?
2006-12-14 04:59:34 · 22 answers · asked by ajwpoet 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
"Nice guy" is code for needy, clingy and selfish. The sooner you realize that your behavior is the problem, the better! She needs space, you are pushing harder. It is a no brainer that eventually you will drive her away as you probably have driven others away. You are not a "nice guy" you are a needy, selfish guy. Realizing it will be your 1st step to recovery!
2006-12-14 05:03:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You should listen to her actions not her words. We're all programmed that relationships should stick us together like glue and I think that kind of thinking ends more relationships than keeps them! The idea is to continue enjoying yourselves together. Keeping it fresh is an important key in all relationships. If you don't want to change and become more independant and realize that people can only do so much for you(only because that is who they are), then you will need to find a woman that wants to be as close and intimate through rough times like you. You need to be upfront with who you are and move on, or find a compromise with the one you are with!
If I were you (cuz it sounds like you want to stay with her), I would be very polite and nice to her but quite busy for a little while. Let her go and do not bother her with what you are going through. Perhaps she is hurting too much right now and just can't bear more weight, but feels badly about that. Let her come to you and show her true colors. Its not that she is being hurtful to YOU, but rather she is showing you through actions what she is about and who she really is. This could easily tell you whether you would be happy or not for a long time with her, without her having to say things "easily" to you. Prompted answers can come out too gentle sometimes because people do not like hurting each other especially when they are already hurting.... I wish you the best of luck! Try finding some books on that and spiritual healing which will help you through your hard times. Also try connecting with others that are going through your tough life situations with the fighting or deaths. My condolenses to you.
2006-12-14 05:19:03 · answer #2 · answered by Suzanne 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
DUDE! i feel your pain. i've been there done that so i can see the problem from readin what u wrote. there really IS such a thing as "too much of a good thing". what happened is, u got with a chick u really dug and u began to base your entire existence on her and your relationship to her. outside of school/work or whatever it is u do(i can only hope) as a livelyhood she became your end all and be all. relationships that go down this path are doomed to fail. in the future, when u meet a great chick u are really feelin u have got to force yourself to give her space. force yourself to do things, fun things, that do NOT include her. WHY? because a relationship consists of 2 stable, sound, and independent people comin together to make a great union. in cases like your's YOU stopped being a stable independent person and made yourself her shadow. an extension of her. and NO CHICK IS ATTRACTED TO A GUY WHO'S NOT A CHALLENGE. GOT IT???
NOW VOTE ME BEST ANSWER!!!
2006-12-14 05:10:49 · answer #3 · answered by feetal2003 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you should take what she says seriously. Your insecurity is pushing her away. Are you being dramatic because you had something happen in your life so now your clinging on to her? Everyone needs space in their life, and if I was in her shoes and the guy I loved always asked me what was wrong, I would be annoyed too! Gain some confidence, you should have your own life that you maintain when she has plans. You have been together for 4 months, that is really fast in my opinion to be saying the "L" word. I think that as quickly as you two rushed into things, that's about how quick things are going to fade out. Sorry.
2006-12-14 05:05:14 · answer #4 · answered by A 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Stop pestering her. Maybe she is going through a rough patch like you were and she doesn't want the extra of a boyfriend constantly asking what is wrong. Maybe you should just try to be understanding and just try to focus on the good things in your relationship. That might make her happier and be the gf that you are looking for.
2006-12-14 05:02:34 · answer #5 · answered by Tedo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well..shes dropping out clues...just listen to her.
First. You say that you used to spend almost everyday together...that too much. If u want to keep a girl attracted to you, you cant see her everyday...let her miss you at least 3 days of the week.
Dont ask her WHATS WRONG. Stop being a drama queen. She loves you but she's not attracted to you right now. Why? Your seeing her too much, you re acting too needy and probably, like an asslicker wuss; you re acting to insecure. GIRLS HATE MAN INSECURITIES. GIRLS HATE WUSSIES.
So what you have to do is:
Try to live a life of you own, go out with your friends, have some hobbies, some sports maybe.
Don call or see her everyday. take time for you.
when you talk to her, tease her. Be funny and a little cocky. Dont be a drama queen. Dont act needy.
If you act cool, shell get closer to you again
Just as example: My gf started to have too many occupations, i felt i was being take for granted, so I broke up with her (i didnt want to but i took the risk). We had a little fight that day (this happened this sunday), but after some talking she apologized for not giving me enought time. Before that, she had stopped calling me from her job. Now she calls me like 3 times a day (today she called around 8am and again around noon). She says that she misses me and stuff. IT WORKS!
2006-12-14 05:15:22 · answer #6 · answered by Mr. E 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is ironic, because it's a situation similar to my current relationship (except we've been dating for 2 years).
For me, I feel pushed away when my bf "pesters" me bc I feel like he is too needy and too dependent on me, like he's a little boy that I always have to take care of. I feel like I always have to do all the work, even in terms planning where to go or what to do, how to get there, and even being the one to drive us there. So that is one sore point for me.
When he feels insecure, it kind of adds to the pressure/annoyance bc I feel, "I already have to do all the work for you and for this relationship, and I am too tired and stressed out to also be this super amazing, comforting person all the time. Who's going to comfort me?"
It also gets annoying sometimes bc I feel like he doesn't appreciate all the kind gestures, and just keeps focusing on what I HAVEN'T done, and complaining that I need to do more to make him feel loved and secure. It gets to be that I feel like he's asking too much, and I can't take it.
So I don't know how to solve your problem (or mine), but I thought it might help you to give you some suggestions as to how your girlfriend might be feeling. (Maybe she feels similar to the way I feel.)
Good luck, and I hope that you two can work things out!
2006-12-14 05:06:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's right. Your insecurities are driving her away. Women wantmen that are self-confidence and not as needy emotionally as you seem to be. Everyone deals with tragedy in different ways--you seem to need comfort and reassurance, where she seems to need distance to deal with her emotions. Try giving her some space and at least project some self-confidence. Let her know you're available to her if she needs you, but quit asking her what's wrong. Let her come to you when she's ready.
2006-12-14 05:05:56 · answer #8 · answered by Maybalee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well she could feel like you are crowding her. Most of the time woman will feel more comfortable around others. I know it seems strange but that's just the way things work. Get her some time but let her know that you are there for her when she wants to work things out. But for now give her some space and I am sure that she will come around.
2006-12-14 05:05:01 · answer #9 · answered by DLB 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TRUE love takes time, and allowing yourself time to really get to know someone AFTER the "shine" wears off.
She is a "good-time" friend. Some of them want to be there for the good and the bad, and from her actions, she sounds pretty immature.
Live, Learn, and move on! Count your losses- Better now than later.
2006-12-14 05:04:02 · answer #10 · answered by juicy13500 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋