what should I do about my mother? She has no regard for my feelings. Sometimes I want to just give up on her.?

Question

I have grown to have so much hatered toward my mother.When she is around my husband all she dose is follow him around and drive him crazy. She barely even asks me how I am. This is because she is not married anymore so she obesses over my husband becuase she dosne't have a man of her own around anymore. She comes to the city I live in all the time and it never even accurs to her to come vist me. When I was pregnant the frist time she was more worried about buying the cute little baby stuff for the baby then she was actucally worried about my pregnantcy and how I felt. Infact she didn't call me the whole time when I was pregnant to see how my frist pregnantcy was going. Now I'm pregnant again. I don't even want to tell her. She NEVER calls me just to see how I am. I don't want her trying to suck up to me just becasue of the baby. I love my mother ofcourse, but sometimes I just want to completely give up on her because of her behavior.

This has been an on going problem my whole life with my mother. She was severly abusive to me when I was a kid. She would tell me she hated me and wished I was dead on a daily bases. I was willing to figure her for her previous abusive behavior, but it never seems to end. I have talked to her about this millions of times and it makes no difference. The only thing that happens is she makes up excuses and blames me somehow. For years I have made all the effort to have her in my life. I just can't do it anymore. She is an adult too and she needs to make some effort too. I feel that I am the mother in this situation, but sometimes I would like to have a mother figure and not always be the mother to my own mother.

Answer 1

Hi, I am in your same situation. I feel exactly like you do. Some people dont understand that a mother's behavior can be deeply hurtful even if she doesnt hit you or sexually abuse you. Sometimes I feel I have no right to feel anger towards her, yet feelings are feelings, we shouldnt feel guilty about it. Your mom is sending you the message that she doesnt care about you. I think that your mom is suffering for some reason (not having the support of a spouse, lack of friends, whatever reason) and she doesnt have the ability to provide you with the relationship that you need from her. Maybe trying to build friendships with others will help you supply that care that you would like from your mom. You may not be able to have a close relationship with your mother (if she never changes) but you may be able to heal by filling the emotinal emptiness that your mom has left and someday accept her just the way she is, with her flaws and positives.

Answer 2

Interestingly enough I am probably older than your Mother. This probably has little to do with your feelings or her thoughlessness.

It most likely has to do with the fact that she finally has a life of her own once again. It isn't that she doesn't care about you. She just feels you are an adult now and have a husband and you and he can take care of yourselves.

My Son and I don't see much of each other, he works like a dog. My daughter in law and I have an excellent relationship and E mail back and forth several times a week. She works also. Their daughter is in 1st grade. They are only 16 miles away so it isn't distance. They just have busy lives.

My daughter and her daughter we see more
often, they are slightly closer and we talk on the phone more frequently. But they have busy lives also.

My Husband and I have just retired recently and enjoying finally having our home and our time to ourselves. We don't have to worry about anyone or anything should we want to leave home for the weekend or stay in bed all day. It is our business and our choice.

I love my children and granddaughters dearly.
But we need our time and know they can take care of themselves.

Do you do anything special to let your Mother know how much you care, or that you are hurt?

Some people just aren't intuitive as to what is emotionally going on around them. My Husband is one (he couldn't buy a clue) and your Mother sounds like that also.

Please stop worrying, stress is bad for the babies, inside and outside. God Bless on an excellent pregancy.

Do not worry about what you cannot change.

Happy Holidays.

Answer 3

Sit down and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Call her up and tell her if she wants to go out with you and the baby for some shopping or maybe lunch or dinner. Then when the two of you are sitting down, tell her what's on your mind. Try not to be mad at her. Be calm. Don't raise your voice. The last thing you need is straining your relationship with your mom. You said you love her so try to keep that love together between the two of you. By the desription you wrote, it looks like you really care about your mom. Tell her how important family is to you, and how important she is to you and that you don't want to lose her. And finally don't forget to give your mom a big hug and tell her you love her.

Answer 4

Sounds like you need to have a long talk with her. That's your mother and you are not a child anymore. Tell her how you feel. Tell her exactly what you put above and see how she reacts/what she says. If she truly loves you, she will make some changes. If not, you need to put your foot down. Mother or not. That doesn't mean you don't love her by doing that. It only means that your a grown woman with kids of your own now and you can't respect anyone that doesn't respect you. Good luck.

Answer 5

I do not agree with the people who say accept her for who she is. Your mother needs to know the way she is acting is not alright. You need to tell her this. Spell it out if necessary. My mother is the same way and I havent talked to her in four months. In a way I feel I am punishing her for her behavior. It hurts right now, but in the end I'm hoping my mother will see the error of her ways and realize she needs to change before we have any kind of relationship. Do not just excuse her behavior, because then it will never change. . . and then you are in the same spot you were always in. Your mother, and mine, need to be held accountable for their actions, not just politely excused.

Answer 6

Read (or watch) Running With Scissors. It's an excellent autobiography discussing Mother-Child relationships that I think could benefit you.

There comes a time when we recognize that our parents are actual people, with flaws to the roof. And their own problems, ideas, and thoughts are either reflected on us, or buried within us. We are either similar or exactly the opposite. And there lies the rub. We actually become both enemies and friends. And it's a good thing.

Answer 7

I know this is going to sound clique but my mom was a drunk, and I had very little use for her honestly.Now she's dead,and I'd give anything to spend one day with her.They are not around forever,don't take them for granted.Take her the way she is,with a grain of salt.Try showing her more love no matter what she does or says.You will miss her when she's gone.Good luck.

Answer 8

Have you talked to your mother about the way you feel? She can not change her ways if she does not know that she is bothering you. Also you could let her know the rules and expectations of your house and how guests are to act when they are there. Maybe she does not know that she is driving you and your hubby crazy. Talk to her and let her know how you feel. If she continues on with her behavior then go on and live your life and quite waiting around for her to change.

Answer 9

ok she drive's your husband crazy.but she doesn't care about you.that is what i am getting out of what you are saing and if that is so just tell her if she is your mom not just your mother she will try to change.unless she is making you in to a person that you don't like then tell her so you can be the person you want to be.you are the mommy know only you can change your life good luck to you

Answer 10

It is time for a heart to idiot talk, write everything you need her to know and stop doing or to start doing. Write things done so you can stay focused and not get mad good on a rampage the other direction. Focus and stick to your guns. she may come around or not. but you have had your say