What should I do about my daughters father?

Question

My daughters father lives in another state and I have her call him on the weekends. He doesn't answer or he returns her calls a few weeks later. She has a step dad now who loves her like his own. Should I say something to her dad about this or not? I am afraid that if I do I will go off on him because it hurts me seeing how hurt she is by him not calling her. He doesn't have visitation, so when he wants her to come up during the summer, should I let her go? I just think that if he loves her he would call her every weekend and be in her life more and not when it is convenient for him.

Answer 1

as a mother i know how you feel, trust me. you should at least try ONCE to telling him whats on your mind, by all means there is no need to go off on him, reason being you can get your point across just being calm and direct with him.
depending on her age, if she older than no i as a parent would not have her call him unless she asks to. why push the issue on later her getting hurt. again how old is she? just let her know when she wants to call to let you know.
its great that her step dad loves her.
anyone can be a dad... it takes a special person to be a daddy..
people get tied up in their own selfish lives and forget that they are parents. seen that happen.
let her later in life decide on how she feels about him. there is no need to ever be little him. children are smart.. always be open minded regardless of how you really feel..

Answer 2

Chances are if he doesn't call then he wont ask her to come for the summer--What makes you think he has time for that?? If he cant find 5 min to talk to her--I would stop calling altogether let him be the one to call--you didn't say how old your girl is --but if she is old enough to call on her own let her call and leave a message--if its hurting her than she needs to tell him even if its on the answering machine --He is cutting the ties--you are not --its his responsibility to make or break a relationship with his daughter--And if he doesn't have visitations then you only send her IF you feel she is going to a safe environment--Or you could take a long weekend and stay in a hotel while she is at her Dads and after a few days talk to her and see if she wants to stay longer or come home with you then--that way you can also see the home she is to stay at and maybe the people she is subjected to --After all its your right to protect her --By the way going off on him wont fix the problem --remember as kids grow they will see for themselves who is there for them who loves them and has cared--they make up thier own minds and see the light--just comfort her dont talk bad about her Dad--(that makes you the bad guy she can say bad but wont like it if anyone else does) but on the other hand dont make up lies to protect the facts--if he is just out and about doing his own thing then thats what it is --dont say he has to work or whatever--Have your daughter ask him point blank why he doesnt call --she will know sooner or later if he is lieing

Answer 3

My mother had a similar problem, she did what I think is right. She let us find out on our own how our father was and when we did we didn't want to see him anymore. I would say that if she wants to go with him over the summer than you should let her but make sure that you call her all the time and that her stepdad does too so she knows that you guys love her and care for her. It will really help in the end for her to know that you guys are there for her and are not trying to keep her father from her. He should call more and he should be confronted but I don't think you should be the one to do it. If your daughter finds out that you are pretty much forcing him to call she will be extremely upset with you and wont want to talk to either one of you. Do what you think will benefit your daughter in the end and remember everything that happens as a child effects who you will one day become.

Answer 4

I am sorry that he is responding the way he is....he is only hurting his relationship with his daughter and of course her feelings at the same time.

Mom....be there for her, be supportive...I wouldn't say negative things about him....around her...she will figure it out on her own...the older she gets. If you choose to speak poorly of his it will only haunt you later and she will blame you.

As far as the visitation issue...Why doesn't he have rights?
I would also ponder over that reason.....if there is no major reason for her not going...I think you re wonderful for allowing it....again she will get a chance to Know her Dad Herself.....

Best wishes....
I don't think it would hurt to ask the Dad> when is a good time Call , Do she isn't so depressed waiting for a return call.

Answer 5

Why do YOU have your daughter call her father on the weekends? Especially since he doesn't answer or returns the calls until weeks later? Are you trying to make him feel guilty by having her call every week?

Have you considered that having her calling him so much and face rejection each week is something she may not really want to do? Especially since you think "if he loves her he would call her every weekend?" Your thinking that is sending the message to your daughter that he doesn't love her and having her call him every weekend is imprinting that message even deeper.

You don't have to be hurt because he doesn't call your daughter, and neither does she. You cannot control another person and make them act the way you think they should. But you can be loving to your daughter and not rub her face in hurt by having her persue her father when he shows little interest. There's plenty of living to do without her father, and she is blessed to have a step father love her, even if she may be unable to receive that love at this time.

I think her father knows that you have remarried. It is unnecessary to tell her father that her stepfather "loves her like his own." It sounds like you just want to lay a guilt trip on her father. That won't make him behave any better, it will just increase resentment for both of you.

You are giving your daughter's father a lot of power over your lives. You don't have to do that. You can make the decision about summer later.

It sounds like you want to punish your daughter's father for not behaving the way you think he should if you cannot get him to be and do what you want. I understand, I have been there too. I have many loved ones in my life that are addicts/alcoholics. I cannot control them, heck, they cannot control themselves. The sickness takes over their whole lives, but I don't have to let it take over mine.

Best wishes

Answer 6

You can't make him be a dad and do the proper things... He doesn't have it in him or he would be there.
If she is close to her step-dad then so be it. You don't have to tell your ex anything...
Your daughter has the right to have someone close to her in her life. If he doesn't have visiting rights, then I wouldn't send her. It is obvious that he is very immature and selfish and can't take time for phone calls..
Why would you leave her in his care??????
The new step-dad sounds great... let him take the reins and be a good role model for her.
Don't put her through any more stress..
Your ex is causing turmoil and grief...
He is not going to change or grow-up.. get on with your life and be a new family......
he does love her but from afar.. He doesn't have time or want to make time for the responsibility of caring for her..... Enjoy what you have....let him go.. later in life she will find him and confront him for his behaviour... now is not the time. She needs to be a child who is in the hands of safe and loving parents....

Answer 7

Honey, I have been and am still where you are on this issue. It is one of the most hardest things to watch is your child being hurt by somebody who is SUPPOSE to love them unconditionally. However, in the real world it doesn't always work that way. I honestly would not have her make phone calls to him and him not return them. You will have to let him make the effort so she is not so dissappointed when he does not call her back. As far as visitation, I wouldn't force her to go if she doesn't want to and you are not ordered to do so. He needs to have consequences to his actions and one of them is losing a bond with your daughter. I just tell my son that there are so many people that love you, you just need to think about that when it hurts. She will eventually get to the point where she does not want any contact with her father and your husband will take his place. You do need to at least try to intervene as far as talking to your ex. It may or may not work, it never did in my case, but at least you did what you could.....Good luck and I will be praying for her.

Answer 8

A child needs stability in their life and it does not seem that her father is meeting that obligation. But it also hurts a child not to be able to see her father. I would talk to him calmly and let him know your concerns and then tell him what you expect from him as a father to your child. The most common facts in a misunderstanding are unspoken expectations. True as a father he should know this already but unfortunately sometimes people need reminders and clear cut conversation to open their eyes on just the littlest things even. I would say before you make the decision to cut him out of her life, speak to him and let him know how you feel. Do not come off with anger and resentment but with a genuine concern for your child's well being.

Answer 9

This has nothing to do with you feeling he does or does not love her. She has the right to know her father. It is her decision to call or not call. If you are the one having her call on the weekends stop. Allow her to if she asks to place the call. If she is reaching out for her father, then please do not stop her. She will only become upset with you later in life. It is awesome that she has a wonderful step father that loves her. She will as well be able to have a relationship with him. This is not a matter of either or, it can be both and balance can be achieved.

Answer 10

You should let your ex have as much time with your daughter as he'll give her. He is her dad, and even though it sounds like he doesn't spend much time or effort on her, you should encourage the relationship. Have her go in the summer! It is not her fault you divorced, and she should get the opportunity to know her dad. Step-dad is not a replacement for her father. It is great if she and step-dad have a good relationship, but she'll want to know her real dad. Maybe at some point she'll decide not to pursue the relationship...but you should mentor her to have no regrets and try her hardest....him too, for that matter. It is a bitter, adult pill we have to swallow, but it is worth it.