Hitting or "Spanking" your child?

Question

I just want to know what people think, I mean I know there are going to be people who will say that any form of hitting is abuse and it should not happen and some will say the child needs some form of spanking for discipline. I must admit I have recently started to spank my son (3 yrs old) on the butt or the arm when he is really bad and I find it works and lets him know that I am in control. Believe I will try everything else before that but hitting him just once makes a difference in his behavior. Now I used to think it is wrong to hit and never raised a hand to my child and felt that there is no need for it. But recently I have been thinking about me and my brother's childhood. My mother hit us frequently but wouldn't be considered beat us. I never have resentments towards her for that, the funny thing is that I have more resentment towards her for other things like how she wouldn't get up with me to get me ready for school, like how she never checked my homework or paperwork.

So that many times I went to school on picture day looking like a raga muffin. And with our Dad, my brother is screwed up now and having trouble becoming a "man" by taking responsibilty for his life and he has resentments towards our Dad for not talking to him and spending time with him when we were little and yet he never ever raised a hand on us. Now on the other end of the spectrum my husband was beaten by his father with a belt but he doesn't hate him at all, he says he was a great father besides that, he spend sooo much time with them, took them camping, played sports with them, talked to them and was extremely affectionate. It just makes me think that other parenting qualities supersede the hitting aspect. I don't want to beat my child but was feelign extremely guilty for smacking him on the butt or the back whenever I did but was just thinking well I don't believe that he will hate me because of that he will remember how good of a parent I was otherwise.What do you all think

Answer 1

All children are different and it is the parents job to respond to the testing. Children test and disobey to figure out where the limits are. It is the nature of children. If a parent doesn't do what is neccessary to set the limits the kids grow up confused and out of control.

Some kids honeslty need different levels of correction. You are right for trying everthing possible before spanking but if those methods don't work you have to raise the bar.

Discipline is not fun but that doesn't mean you don't have to do it.

Kids want their parents to care and to be engaged. Disciplne shows you care how they grow up. That is why you resent your mom for not being there. Discipline must be accompanied with a caring and involved parent.

Answer 2

I myself, believe that there is a certain age to spanking. They need to be old enough to have the ability to reason and understand what's happening. Then I believe after a certain age grounding will proably will work better. However, my son is only 14 months old, so I guess I don't know my opinion on the exact ages yet. I know he's too young to understand it right now so it's not used at this time. It's something my husband and I will have to discuss as our son gets older.

My parents spanked us..but really, I don't recall it happening very often, so I don't beileve it was a typical form of punishment. But I do believe there are times a child will need to be spanked. For example when they do something that truely is dangerous and won't listen to anything else being said. Sometimes a small swat in the butt is needed to understand the severity of what's happening.

I understand that there are people who don't believe in spaking, but I see nothing wrong with it if it's used in moderation and not so sever that it would be a beating. When I say "spank" I am thinking like a once or twice little swat on the butt...not a belt across the rear end until the child can't sit.

Answer 3

Even though I was spanked as a kid I decided when I got older it was wrong. This idea was cemented in my head by the education and psychology professors I had in college. In fact, if they were to be believed I should have been a neurotic mess (not only was I spanked quite a bit--but in the most "dangerous" way--on my bare fanny).

When I had kids I gradually changed my tune. I am now kind of a nutty radical advocate of it.

I have done research on this. The surprising thing is that the studies finding spanking harmful or ineffiective are at best inconclusive or at worst deeply flawed.

There are actually a number of very good studies that have found it is not harmful at all and is the most effective way to get kids to comply with their parent's wishes.

You never hear about this stuff because it is never mentioned by the anti-spanking media or pop psychology people. I have reviewed all this in an article on my blog at http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-GgIFACYzfqWx8YwvtspSWVmWzA--?cq=1&p=793

Thus, I think your instincts are right. I also think that a lot of us younger parents are spanking more. People no longer act like I have two heads when I say I spank. It is just that we are sick and tired of bratty and spoiled kids and all the Nanny 911 nonsense.

The social experiment of no-spanking which started in the 1950's has been a failure and it is high time to junk it.

The only thing I suggest to you is you do not need to be ashamed of it at all--and thus only use it as a "last resort." Spanking is good for kids and parents--and society.

Answer 4

I was hardly ever hit as a child. I remember the times it happened and boy did I deserve it. LOL.. Wow.. how my parents handled me!?! My hubby on the other hand was beat for everything and he resents his mom for it. He also resents his dad because he didn't care and he was always working. I on the other hand don't resent my parents at all. My rule at my house is.. if what the child is doing is going to hurt them worse then the spanking, then they get spanked. I have to have the rule so my hubby doesn't repeat what his mother did to him. I think quality time with your children will mean more to them then getting a swat on the butt every now and then. Good luck

Answer 5

I did give mine the occasional "swat" on the backside to get their attention. When they were toddlers up until about the age of 5 or 6 this was helpful with their tantrums, touching things that may harm them (hand smack) etc.. I never felt good about it, didn't hit them hard as I said just a firm swat to get their attention and let them know who was making decisions. Now, after they reached a certain age I no longer did this because to me it seemed like it was more humiliating for them then getting their attention. I never believed in humiliation as a "learning" technique. My parents were the same and looking back I don't remember being hit, ever, but I do remember believing that corporal punishment was just a misbehavior away. So I guess it was more the threat then actually being hit. Love and respect them unconditionally, you'll get the same back.

Answer 6

Spanking is not my choice of discipline but if it makes a difference in his behavior, then spanking him once or twice on the butt is ok. I wouldn't hit him anywhere else or spank him hard enough to leave a mark. I personally use time outs or groundation. The taking away of the TV is always the best for my daughter. I feel I have a heavy hand and if things get to out of control where I have to resort to hitting, then I might let my anger out through my hand and spank her harder then I should. When my daughter was two and three, she use to through these horrible tantrums and break things, hit me, bite me, and try to hurt herself. The first few times I couldn't control it and she would trash the entire house or if I confined her to one room, it would result in broken glass or something. I read somewhere about a trick that workered right away. The very next trantrum she started I picked her up, fully dressed, stuck her in the bath, and for a second I turned the shower on her. It deffinetely shocked her and she cried...I then undressed her...wrapped her in a towel and hugged her until she was calm...then we talked about what happened and I made her appologize and what ever she threw accross the room, she picked up. The next time she tried it, I simply said "Do you need a shower?" and she straightened right up. In the end, there was no red markers on her, my house wasn't torn up, and there was not question of who's boss.

What ever you choice to do as far as discipline, your son will not hate you or have an hard feelings...as long as you are not beating him or letting him have his way.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I am a mother of 3 boys. I understand your guilty feeling but I also believe that you are right your child will love you for everything else. There is a fine line between disciplining your child with a spanking and abusing your child. the difference is, if your hitting you child out of anger then it is abuse, but if you spank them as a last resort after grounding, talking, yelling, time outs, taking toys away and so on, don't work and you can't get their attention to stop doing what they are doing then I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I don't agree with hitting to show that you are in control because this will instill bad responses when they get older to situations that are out of their control. Believe me I did it and now I have difficulty's with my son thinking he can hit to gain control. So I wouldn't suggest it. What ever you do don't hit out of anger.

Answer 8

every child is different so you disipline technique must be also. I suggest a warning, take away toys and turn off tv, then if he needs it a good spanking. My daughter ( age 11)only has to hear that i am very upset with her and "go to your room" to get the picture, my oldest son ( age 4) is told that this is a no- no and at times requires a swat on the bottom. My youngest (age 3) requires a spanking almost immediately after misbehaving. do what works for you and your kid, don't worry about all of the critics.

Answer 9

I think it's great you're trying to be a terrific parent and you're thinking about all aspects. Yes, spanking gets your child's attention, but perhaps not in the way you'd like. He's becoming afraid of you. And when he's frustrated with someone, you've now taught him a "coping mechanism," that is hitting.

I know it seems like it works, but it's just short term. I highly recommend this book for real strategies that keep you from getting into the situation when you feel like you need to spank. It is: Love and Logic, When Kids Leave you Speechless. It's funny, easy to understand and it WORKS! :) You can find it on amazon inexpensively.

Good luck to you!

Answer 10

My parents could have beaten to me a bloody pulp and my last breath would have been a resounding, "NO!". I think for some kids spanking is ineffective and if anything teaches them that hitting is ok.

As a child grows and matures and is able to verbalize you should discipline with words and take things away, use time outs or whatever seems to work for your child.

My parents spanked my brother and sister and it worked up until they realized that the pats on the butt were more humiliating than anything and that if they laughed when they were spanked it just provoked my parents more. Me, as I said before spanking did not work for me as a child but if they sent me to another room, it was the end of the world. My brother and sister just amused themselves in the corner, in their rooms etc... My parents finally realized that grounding or taking privileges away was the best way to discipline my siblings.

Do not feel bad about your past actions, parent as you see fit as you are the parent. What works for your child may not work for your next child or for other parents.

I am now a proud mother and have not resorted to spanking but have used the word no and lots of repetition with behavior that I want repeated. Some kids act out because they are bored or simply do not know the rules (especially if the rules are not consistent). I have already noticed my son "testing" me as he looks at me before he beats on the glass of the entertainment center. I tell him no before he beats on the glass, and redirect him to another area of the house. (He is only one).


I hope that I will be able to stay in control of the situation and not resort to spankings but only time will tell. I think a lot of parents resort to spankings when nothing else seems to get through to their kids.

Good Luck to you and your family. Parenting is tough, and discipline is even a tougher road. Just be consistent and be realistic with your expectations of your child.