How do i deal with disrespectful children?

Question

I am a mother of 2 . A 13 year old son and a 11 year old daughter. I go above and beyond trying to get my children what they want and need(on a small income)And they show no appreciation for it

Answer 1

"I go above and beyond trying to get my children what they want and need"
There lays the problem.
I personally be live in negative (punishment) and positive (reward) reinforcement.

Answer 2

The reason they show no appreciation is because, as you said, "you go above and beyond". They need to learn the value of what you do, and the best way to do that is by letting them work a bit for what they want. Before you get them a pricey new toy or gadget, let them do a chore, or achieve something at school. They could also help purchase expensive toys by putting money towards what they want with money earned from doing yardwork or babysitting. Volunteer work can also help a child or young adult appreciate what they have.

Ulitimately you hold the purse strings. Before you embarks on this difficult task, you could explain why you are doing this and show them how money works in the real world. They are old enough to start understanding how monetary household expenses work, and how bank accounts and credit work, too!

Answer 3

I understand it can be difficult to deal with children, even more so if you find yourself stuck between being a friend and being a parent. And I am not one to preach any particular idea, I made my share of mistakes with both my sons as a single father. I did find that you can't be a friend and parent in equal measure. I also know that it is disrespectful to kids to get them everything they want, even though you know as well as I do that you want to keep them happy and give them a better life that you had. The funny thing about kids is you don't always get what you give. But it is always best to give them respect always, and expect the same from them. That means teach them the respect that comes with obligations, and the respect they should have for your labors. Think of it as a classroom of sorts, they start out with an A, but they have to keep it, and for each letter grade they fall they lose something, or they must pay you either in deeds or actions. I know it isn't easy to be fair when so much is unfair, but remember that these kids look to you for guidance even if they say or act like they don't. Your example will be their rule until they are old enough to live by there own. But you create the template they will use throughout their lives.

Answer 4

Well, it's kind of too late in the game to retrain them. And they are at that age where they see other kids having more than them.

There is no way that you can ever give them everything that they want on a small income, not if their wants are high. If they have what they need, then that should suffice, with everything else being gravy. You shouldn't have given them more than they needed without having made them aware of this beforehand, because now they think you are being unfair to them when you are actually being more than fair to them. I suggest that you try to explain the situation to them without being angry or making it sound like a lecture, just state it as a fact. If they don't appreciate what you do for them now (or ever), then you'll just have to accept that. But as long as you provide for their needs and can give them something that they want every now and again, then that should be good enough in your mind. If you try to bend over backwards to give them more than that, then with their current attitudes it won't matter, because anything you would be able to do won't ever be enough.

Answer 5

I don't have any children, but I'd start by taking away the things they love (TV, video games, etc.). Demand respect at all times. Don't ever be lenient. Be consistent. Demand respect at all times. If you are lenient some days and not others, children see that and will try to see how far they can go with bad behavior.

By the way, do not give them everything they want. No one respects anyone who does not know how to say "No." Take away all of the frills you are providing them for 2 weeks and make them volunteer at a homeless shelter. Let them talk to people who have come to America for a better life because the situation in their home country is too difficult. Let the childreen volunteer at Goodwill Industries. Have them pick up trash in the neighborhood. Take some time out for your children to learn how bad people have it elsewhere (learn about Darfur, watch docummentaries on the water crisis, watch Spike Lee's documenatary on Katrina). Make Christmas less lucrative (don't give them everything they want). Give them allowances (if they do not have them). Let them spend their allowances to get what they want. I guarantee you, that once they have to buy their own stuff, they will be more greatful. My parents pampered me through College (still buying my clothes)! And, I didn't respect the value of a dollar until I got my first job (and had to start buying my own clothes, shoes, etc)!!! I still live at home rent free (thankfully). But I don't yet know how hard it is "out there" 'cause I'm not yet paying for the roof over my head. Let your children take on little jobs like shoveling snow and raking leaves. Once they have to balance their own budget, they will respect you and what you offer them more. Trust me, spoiled children are no better than the ones who value and respect the value of a dollar. I've only worked for 3 years and yet I respect my parents ALOT more because now I know what it means to earn a dollar.

Answer 6

i will tell you exactly what to do. Stop going above and beyond. Start taking their fun things away and grounding them. Show them how much you really do. do 4 them. Get them one thing for Christmas, cuz xmas isn't about getting lots of presents anyway. Let them know why you are doing it and be very nice about it. I do it all the time in such a non shalant how evva u spell it voice. He has really changed his tune. i always say it in such a friendly voice. For example when hes gone after hes been naughty or smart mouth, when hes gone im just mad right,well i take his games away and hide the, even his bike and he will say hey where is my game and im like member when u were acting like this well you dont et them back for a month. IIf they get physical, etc.. then tell them u will not put up with it and you will call the cops. Im hoping your kids arent like that tho. Just show them u mean business.
when they arent getting all the stuff that they do have they will start realizing it!!!!

Answer 7

Needs and wants are totally separate things. Children really need to learn the difference. So often I think parents give material goods to children out of a sense of guilt or because they want to keep peace in the house. This is a gross disservice to our children.

I think a reality check might be a good thing. Share your financial situation with your children and let them see the reality of what it costs to live in a home with electricity, heat and food. If they want items above and beyond necessities, there should be ways for them to earn the money to save for them. It's really cruel to keep giving and giving to children so that they never learn how to handle the real world when they are eventually on their own.

Answer 8

Stop giving them things for a little while and tell explain to them why they're not getting it. Keep the answer sweet and to the point because after a while the talking gets old. Take physical action. The problem is probably that they feel that you're supposed to give them things since they "didn't ask to be born." I've heard it a million times. Take action, and above all, BE CONSISTENT!

P.S.
I like what someone said above, make them work or do chores for the things that they want.

Answer 9

Tell her in front of her friends that what she did was not only disrespectful of you but also disrespectful of her friends at the party because she not only had been told no to a third piece of cake, but that there were others who now may not be able to even have their second piece. Additionally, if she is old enough to understand, inform her that the only way that she can ever hope to have self-respect is to first give due respect to others.

Answer 10

SPARE THE ROD...

SPOIL the CHILD!

They are children. Your children. They don't want to disappoint mama, but yet they need direction and help sometimes. 13 and 11 aren't to old to give an ol' fashion beat down. One like yo mama used to give you. You can't make every decision for them in life but you can teach that their are consequences for every action. Whether they be good or bad, consequences come with the territory of making your own decisions. Preach it and they believe it and when they get old they will experience and remember that Mama told them life wasn't going to be easy.

Don't spare the rod, but at the same time make sure that they know you love them no matter what their consequences may be.

Also, on the respect matter. You should be modeling respect everyday and then teaching them what respect looks like. Also tell them what respect for others can earn them in life. The first thing it can earn them is a Heavenly reward. Secondly, it can make their life on this Earth just a lil easier and less complicated.

Good Luck with that. I got 1 month old twins and a 3-yr old myself so I will feel your pain for then next 18 yrs of my life.

Answer 11

I think you may have already answered your own question.

It is important to give children what they need which is food, shelter and love.

There are A LOT of things out there they want, but it is not something you should give in to.

It sounds like you may be single parenting so that may make it harder.

Remember you are the rule maker so do it and as calmly as you can stick to them. At their age it is also okay to tell them as their parent it is your job to keep them safe and help them develop as humans. It is not your job to be their personal body slave.

Don't get tied into the "I HATE YOU" thing. I remember the first time my 17 year old said that to me. I laughed. I told him I saw that as a sign I was doing my job effectively. It only took a few more times before it became one of our standard lines. And, when we disagree I remind him if he doesn't say it.

I've also told my kids that they have the benefit of thinking anything in their minds they wish, but they are not allowed to treat us disrepectfully. It doesn't fly at our house.

If you are doing all the chores yourself, make sure you include your children. They are old enough to contribute subtantially to these activites, and while they've been given a bad rap, they are actually beneficial to our emotional needs. It is a good time to have heart-to-hearts and tease and be people.

You can also check in with community resources. Many companies have an employee assistance program (I think in some states it's required?!@?) they can help you find your center and help you manage your kids.

best wishes,

cez