Am I wrong to want to know where my daughter was?

Question

Me and my 19 year old got tinto an argument because she dosent do anything to beter herself or any housework or chores for that matter. well she ended up leaving the house that night and I was worried about her because she didnt come back. I realize she is an adult, just wanted to know she was ok. My sister and everyone of her friends knew where she was, but wouldnt tell me. She ended up coming home with this girl that used to live upstairs from me the next night. The girl she came back with is 21 and tried to sleep with my boyfriend,coused many problems for me and my family and sleeps around on her boyfriend continuosly. So I didnt let her in my house to help my daughter get her stuff. Well the reason I am asking this question I think my sister should of at least told me she was ok and where she was. She has children of her own and is 37-years-old. Do you think I have the right to be mad at her. I just wanted to know if my daughter was ok.

Answer 1

being mad with your sister is not you real issue , that is with your duaghter,.Are there rules or guidelines your daughter is susposed to follow if she is living in your home . If yes , and she chooses not to respect them then she needs to be grown, grown is not just age it is being responsible for your actions no matter what the results will be.If she chooses to not respect your home then maybe she needs a real life lesson ,by living in her own home where she controls the rules .But your sister had a moral obligation to at least let you know she was okay. But,we reap what we sew, in ten folds.

Answer 2

YES, your sister should AT LEAST have told you if your daughter was OK -- and NOT getting into trouble or Pregnant or some other bad things ...


But ... now ... you need to relax, because your DAUGHTER is an Adult, does NOT want to RESPECT your HOME or your House Rules (OR YOU!) ... and that means as an ADULT ...

She needed to make a choice -- RESPECT MOM and HOME ... or LEAVE ..

and take on her FULL Adult Responsibilities.

You have taught her what you could ... she must NOW CHOOSE to live the way she will ... and if she makes mistakes, let her take the consequences too ... because when you are an ADULT There are good choices and poor ones, and with the Poor choices, she will have to bear the Lessons of life (and hopefully learn from them).

Answer 3

This is a very strange situation. I have a hard time relating to this because I have a very different family system and things like this never happened in my life. I know I can't offer the best advice or relate to your approach as someone else could.

But I think it is important to share my views as an outsider and hopefully this will give you some personal insight of a new way of seeing situations.

In my family, a daughter stays with her parents until she completes her studies or moves away to be married. In some cases she decides not to marry but finishes education has some kind of outside work, and lives with her family indefinitely. There are no pressures on her to live independently because she is our child and belongs with us and always has a place in our home. If my daughter was not productive and not motivated to work, then my husband and I would probably encourage her to marry someone who is career oriented and who would be a good husband to her. Of course we wouldn't force it but it would be best for her and there is nothing wrong with a woman becoming a housewife if she is more of a domesticated kind of person.

But whether or not my daughter is working or studying, I would want her to be home with me. Maybe I sound like I am being over protective but I would rather keep her home and allow her to figure out what she wants to do when she feels she is ready. Because if I don't then she could start running around with the wrong people and being young and naive she could be hurt or get into a lot of trouble. I am not lecturing you by any means I am sure that you are a good mother. I am sharing about my family system and the way we handle things like this.

As far as your sister is concerned. She is your enemy. If she wasn't yesterday then she should be today because she really proved herself to be untrustworthy as well as wreckless. If she really cared about her niece she would have stopped it as soon as she knew and called you immediately. If she had any respect for you as a mother and sister then she would have considered the pain and worry you went through. I would avoid her and put a lot of distance there.

Anyhow best of luck to you but remember this is your daughters future. I know it seems easy to say 'you are 19 and old enough to move out and take care of yourself' for personal reasons. But maybe she is feeling pressure and doesn't have a direction yet. Also she is definitely scared of the things she has yet to experience as well as it is normal that she feels insecure and unsure of herself. This is a delicate time and it will reflect where she goes as an adult in the next few years. So try to be understanding but also don't put pressure.

Answer 4

Even if your daughter asked your sister NOT to tell you where she was, your sister should have told you that she was OK. She would not have broken any confindences that way and she could have put your mind at rest. That was wrong not to. You said she has children of her own so she should know how she would feel not knowing if her own child was okay or not.

Answer 5

You are definetly not wrong! Please do not even step on that road.You are a parent of an adult but that does not mean you should stop looking out for her well-being.
The issue I feel is two-fold.
One, you need to open up the communication lines with your daughter and prevent such incidents from happening
Second, you need to thrash it out with your sister for withholding information and causing you so much anxiety.
It won't happen overnight.....so hang in there.

Answer 6

You need to define your relationship with your adult daughter. First of all you should have a simple rental agreement in which she pays you a small some of rent, helps with groceries and keeps central living areas clean of her stuff. You need to let go and let her grow up. Be there in case she falls and set up some boundaries. You may cry alot in your room alone but let her go.

Answer 7

if your daughter didn't want you to know where she was, then i think she has that right, as long as she lets you or your family know that she's ok wherever she is. at least she told members of your family where she was and that she was ok - i would be happy with that. maybe you should have a talk with your daughter and tell her that it worries you when she leaves like that, and that you would appreciate her at least calling and telling you that she's ok, even if she doesn't want to disclose where she is.

Answer 8

Knowing how much you dislike that 21 year old friend ( and rightfully so) I'm sure your sister knew you would be upset to know you daughter was with her. So don't be mad at your sister.

Answer 9

Of course you have that right to be upset with ANYONE in your 'family', especially if they all knew where your daughter was, and didn't tell you. They obviously don't know the extent of damage this other girl is, who's 'trouble' in my books!!
Don't feel bad for being angry at your sister. You need to discuss this with her, and let her know that it was YOUR DAUGTHER that you were 'concerned about', and that was your RIGHT.

Answer 10

all in all, you are the parent. you need to know where your child is at all times if you are still providing for them, esp. if they still live under your household.

as for your sister. she needs to act an adult and be responsible. it was sensless to not tell you where your child was. im sure she would be upset with you should you have done that with her kids.

never the less, you keep being a parent as worried as you may get.