How can I forgive my father?

Question

My dad was very mean to Mom in her last days, to the point of rejecting her and asking her to die - which she did.

I now live with him and my brother. I try not to forget what he did, because she died in pain - both physical and emotional.

A year down the line, I'm confused - should I forgive him, and he be happy that he got rid of her to win our (the kids') love? This would mean a win for him.

Should I forgive him for the sake of happiness of what remains of the family?

Or should I continue to 'punish' him for what he did, a villain is always a villain. Or it's up to God to punish him for what happened, which could be a mere perception of mine?

Answer 1

Who's being punished?

Sounds like YOU are by continuing to harbor your resentment for you father. It's hard to be happy that a loved one died. You didn't mention how YOU felt that she died.

I'm old and have kids (in their 20's) and unfortunately some of their friends have died. Everyone goes through stages dealing with death. You don't say how old you are. One question I have is, why do you stay at home? Are you old enough and in a position to move out?

You really (really) should talk to a therapist, no one should be this unhappy. They don't have a magic bullet but you'll continue to have problems until you can resolve this in your head. They don't cure you, but they DO help you find out how you feel about the whole issue and what to do to make your life better.

My kids and I have gone before when one of their close friends (15 years old) was killed, and again when one of my children was in a horrible accident.

It's more important that YOU feel better because people tend to dwell on bad things, making their life miserable, physically and emotionally. You're Dad, apparently, feels fine now. Forgive him if it makes YOU feel better, but seriously consider talking to a psychologist or therapist, or counselor.


Read "Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. You'll recognize yourself in the stages of grief.

Answer 2

That's a difficult question to answer, at least for me it is. If it was my Mom in that scenario, I don't feel that I could ever forgive my father because what he did in her final days was, in my mind, mean and hateful.

It must be a struggle living with him. Thank God you have your brother.

All of your questions are good questions: "Should I forgive him for the sake of happiness of what remains of the family?" This is something you are going to have to search your heart and soul to decide. You could forgive him, but you will never really forget.

When it's all said and done, come judgement day, the Lord will be the one to judge your father's actions. The bible says that we should forgive those who have hurt us. That's easier said than done. The Old Testament says, "An eye for an eye," while the New Testament says, "Turn the other cheek."

This might help clarify what to do: If your father died tomorrow, would you feel guilty or bad for not forgiving him, or not? Pray to the Lord for his guidance. I understand why you are conflicted. As I said, if I was in that situation, I don't know whether I would ever be able to forgive my father for how badly he treated my mother. God Bless. I hope this helped some.

Answer 3

If you forgive him, it only helps you, because by forgiving him, means that you are no longer hurt or angry. you are free.
if you forgive him, it puts the burden on him. it give you the power.and control. do you really want to stay angry? is it really worth staying angry, because your anger with your farther will only carry onto other areas of your life and at work and you will end up being an angry person. it does not matter if he wins. it only matters how you feel.i am sure deep down he feels bad what happened. Do you really know why he treated her so badly.
maybe he had a good reason, Why don't you ask him?
if you clear issues bring everything into the open , you will all feel better
Good Luck

Answer 4

That's a hard one, as I don't know you, your father or nor did I know your mother! I hope I don't offend you, But maybe your father knew your mother in a way that he can only describe and maybe he said that to her to let her go? She might have needed a reason to let go and if he knew that he may knew what was needed to be done to prolong her pain. People that say hurtful things know that what they are saying is hurtful, and it could of hurt him deeply to have said those things. He should have Never said those things infront of you. Maybe instead of getting yourself all upset, you should talk to him and ask him why he said that to your mother. I could be wrong how he felt, but it's worth asking him why? Than spending years wondering why and punishing him for something you could be wrong about. But just remember that he and your brother are your family, and you should treasure your family! You have to look inside yourself and ask yourself this - Do you want to love the ones that you have left? or Punish them so that not only is there life miserable but so will you life be for being vengeful? I Hope you have the strength to talk to you father first before you decide. But even if he does say something you don't want to here, he will still be your father, that won't change.

Answer 5

Try to let go of the bitterness. Of course your dad was mean, but he loves you a lot and perhaps he was unable to control his emotions when he asked her to die. What goes around comes around, though, so be prepared. But there may be more to your dad then what you know right now. Take a while and reflect in your room. Get out of the house and do some things for yourself. Whatever your dad's intentions were, you'll know in the end.

I'm sorry about your mom. What a horrible way to die!

Answer 6

It's not good for you to have this anger. Your father did a bad thing. In my opinion you should forgive him for your own sake and not his.

Understand that he did a horrible thing and you forgiving him will not make it go away, but withing the process you can let yourself move forward with your life.

Know that your father has to live with himself every day of his life. And you have to live with yourself.

See a counclor or a therapist they are there to make these transitions easier.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

how was he to u??? people make mistakes that sometimes they dont regret...it's gods job to punish him, i think u should forgive him...u already lost ur mom(sorry) ...be thankful that u still have him,,,what if he died tomorrow??? would u of wished u forgave him??? like i said...he WILL pay for the pain he caused ur mom...but at the same time, don't allow him to cross the line by speaking bad about ur mother...and if he's a good father he will keep his hate to himself ...if he doesnt then he doesnt deserve ur forgiveness because he's not taking ur feelings into consideration!

Answer 8

I believe that forgiveness is for yourself! You can only forgive him if he asks to be forgiven. You can forgive him in your heart for your own well being, so you dont have to be filled with anger and hate. You will never forget, but you can't stay bottled all up inside with anger. You will probably never feel close to your father again, so try and find some peace in your life through prayer or counseling in your church. I had a step-father who molested me as a young girl. I had to forgive him in my heart or I would have let it destroy me. I struggled for years over this until I handed it over to God! I had my heart lightened and so can you. You will see your Mother again, and your Father will have to stand before judgement! I will pray for you.

Answer 9

I don't think it for us to "punish" other people for their misdeeds. Creating pain and hurt is not a productive act. You will get no real satisfaction in doing so.

You are obviously suffering pain with this situation. Discuss this with a mature family relative or your school counselor depending on your age. Seek some outside help.

Answer 10

I think you should forgive him only if you feel in heart that you should. In the end, the anger we hold inside hurts us as much as the other person. That said, what he did was pretty crappy. In somes ways though, I think forgiving him is irrelavant because you are living with him. If you really felt that strongly about what he did, why do you even live there?