Impatience with Dad after losing Mom, help!?

Question

My Mom died unexpectedly October 24th; she was 79. We were incredibly close, and her loss has been a devistating blow. I was on route there when we lost her, and spent two weeks with my Dad arranging everything for the funeral and supporting my Dad (76). I came back home, tried to get back to work on my dissertation (Graduate student) but got sick. Then I hosted Dad for a week here over Thanksgiving. After he left I continued to be sick and have only just been feeling better over the last day or two.

My problem? Dad calls every day, (my fault, we live in different states, and I did tell him to call if and whenever he needed). I am an older student who has come back to school (39). I have not "reported" to my parents on my life in years. I know that all Dad needs is someone to talk to, and there are days that is fine. But sometimes, increasingly I keep getting resentful, -- I just want to be left alone to greive in my own way. And I want my life private again. I need space so that I can find my own rhythm again and eventually get back to work. I havent even engaged with anybody in my circle here either. While I was sick, I kept having to tell him "no, I'm not better" which made me feel that I wasnt getting well fast enough. Now that I am a little better, it's conversation what I do each day. (Part of my guilt, I havent gotten back to working on my stuff yet.) So, talking to him just makes me feel worse about that too. I have tried explaining this to him, but he still calls.

I want to be supportive to my Dad, but I also want to do what I need for myself. I am stuck. Dad also needs to engage more with his community of people. And it hurts to think how lonely he is -- I know. I am an only child, and the only relatives Dad has are an older Sister also in another state.

I turn to you because all of you seem to be going through similar things. Bless you for taking the time for me...(and my Dad). Help! How do I do the right thing for us both?

Answer 1

There is probably not enough space here for me to answer this-my Mom died 23 years ago and my Dad and I have been fused at the hip since. It's been fine until recently. I just want to get up, go to work and come home without worrying about checking on him or calling or anything!! My Dad's only relative is also a sister (she's younger - but calls me to make sure I'm taking care of him). I don't know your illness. I only know it's hard to take care of a Daddy!! How old is your Dad?? I've come to the point of--I need to take care of myself and my family in order to take care of my Dad. I'm sorry--I just re-read--your Dad is 76--mine is 86. My father refuses to go to a senior center (He's not gonna hang around "Them old people) or engage with people. He has his best friend that he goes out to lunch with once a week (and God bless this man is 90!!!). So what do we do!!??? Honey if one of us comes up with a plan lets e-mail!!! Love my Pops to pieces but------guess I'll still love him to pieces (my Daddy's only 20 min. drive from me--I'm ("on call"). Until someone has been on call they wouldn't understand. He did everything for me, raised me from a "pup", so I'm doing what I need to do. Unless you've been in these shoes----you have no idea!!

Answer 2

I am very sorry about the loss of your Mother. At any age, it's a difficult thing to deal with, and for your father, it's even more because of his age, and the distance you are apart.

Your first word was 'impatience' and I think that is the clue to understanding and dealing with this. You need to be physically well, so take care of your health and make sure to exercise regularly to keep your mind clear and uncluttered. That will give you your private time that you need.

Your Dad needs you at this time. He has lost his lifelong partner and he needs a reliable person in his life to keep him going day after day. Yes, your dad needs to engage with people in his own community, but unless you move back and drive him to seniors meetings, bingo games or help him make new friends, you can't do anything about it.

Take a look at yourself and figure out what your *needs* are, vs. your wants, and postpone the wants until your Dad is stablized and can be on his own.

Each of us is given a certain amount of time on this Earth - and nobody knows how much longer your Dad will be with you. Give him your love, and time on the phone and you will be repaid in ways you cannot imagine, when you really need it.

Answer 3

This is a very difficult time for you both.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive him while he is alive, you might feel better ultimately. It would not be unkind to set up call days, Like twice or three times a week for a while.
Try to encourage him to make friends and seek joy in his life, now that it is his alone. I don't know how healthy he is. It would be good to encourage him to visit his sister in another state if he is able and has any inclination.
It is still not a real long time since you have lost your mother,and hopefully things will get easier as time passes, but you need to consider your own needs. They don't go away.
I have a thought that he knows what he did and feels guilty, but just encourage him to live his life and i encourage you to do the same as much as you can.
If there is a judgement on the other side, he will be dealt with. Knowing what goes on between peole is hard to do. Maybe he needed to let her know that she could go and he wasn't very good with his expression of that.

Answer 4

Hi Clearthin:
So very very sorry for your loss. It's so hard to deal with the finality of death. So many feelings surface.

Dr. Marian Kubler-Ross' Stages of Grieving are:
Disbelief
Denial
Anger
Bargaining/Depression
Acceptance

No doubt you are going through the above - Anger at the moment. It is a part of the grieving process.

Be kind to YOU and write down each heading - then write what it means to you in your loss. This will help you to relieve your heart a little.

You need to get some grief counselling - can you call a distress line in your neighbourhood & find one? Will you also do the same for your Dad?

When one feels depleted, it is so hard to feel guilt & responsibility toward another - as is happening with you and your Dad.

Know that G-d is with both you and your Dad and will comfort you.

When I was grieving recently, I found a very supportive website: http://www.groww.org/chat/gr.shtml - try it - it really helped me a lot.

I'll pray for you and your Dad too.

Bless both of you.

Answer 5

My mom died 13 years ago and I'm going thru the same thing. I know it's really difficult...but try to be patient and listen when he calls, and understand that he has lost the other half of himself. The loss of a spouse is very traumatic, and he's elderly and probably afraid...loneliness can create depression. Just do your best. I'm an only child too, so believe me I understand...but there will come a day when your phone does not ring, and you will miss that sound...you don't want to live with the regrets of resenting the daily calls, once the calls stop. I'm NOT trying to make you feel guilty...just trying to let you know that the aggravation of the present should be handled with patience, kindness, and understanding, because all too soon, it could stop.

Answer 6

Sounds like your guilt and feelings of responsibility for your dad may be part of the cause of your illness. You will have a break from school this winter, won't you. It might be worth the money an time to spend it with your Dad. Do you have siblings? Does your dad belong to a church? Try to help him find support that is close by to where he lives. Maybe people could take turns going by to visit. I'm sure this is very hard on him and he needs to talk about it. Check with a senior citizen group from his town to get some ideas or resources that can help you. Possibly if he had someone from social services come to visit him on a regular basis it may help. Check out the resources, someone at your school should be able to guide you to a resouce that can help you. It's very hard on you and on your dad, I know, I'm staying with my mom after not living with her for a very long time, it's not easy. Your dad needs help, but so do you.

Answer 7

alot of what could be going on here, is that he wants to feel like you need him. He spent many years (im assuming feeling needed by you and your mother) and now he doesnt feel needed anymore. So of course he wants to be in your life more, if only by the phone. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS AT THAT AGE IS TO STILL FEEL USEFUL AND NEEDED BY SOMEONE. Im not gonna call you selfish everyone deals with a loss of a loved one diff. BUt stop and think about this---Was there anything you wished you could have siad to your mom before she passed? Because your dad could be gone tom. and this is your time to say what you need to sya to him. and would you regret any of how you are feeling if you got a phone call saying he had passed. If the answer is yes. Then try hard to let your Dad feel needed by you by telling him things (reporting) to him. Even if you know the answer already might be nice just to call him for advice.

Answer 8

You are a very selfish person. Your father needs you right now. Period. End of story. Since you aren't even there in person to help him grieve the loss of his wife, your mother, the least you can do is take his calls without bitching to him about it. I mean really, how long are the calls? Unless you are in law school or med school, surely you can handle a phone call a day. Long term, maybe you should think about getting him to move into a an active senior citizen community where he can make some friends.

Answer 9

It is great that you want to reach out to your father and help him when you are in need of help as well. Sorry for your loss.

But put away your impatience and set a time everyday or every other day like after breakfast or dinner to call and check in on dad. He doesn't need to feel like he is intruding on you or useless or lonely. Just give him 10 or 15 min. of your time and allow him to nag or reminence. Let him know you are thinking of him and will chat again tomorrow. Hang up. And go about your business.

Send him a written letter, photo or postcard every once in awhile. It feel wonderful to receive something in the mail and it takes only a few min. of your time.

He's help brought you up and gave you his time when you were a helpless babe, you can give him 10 or 15 min of your time, now.

It's not easy but take a deep breathe and try.

Answer 10

Perhaps you can try writing to him, as you've done here. You do need to get on with your own life. And he needs to be with seniors who have had similar life's experiences. His local senior center would be a good start for him. Perhaps a retirement community would help with some of his lonliness. If you are always available, he will not make the effort, and he NEEDS to. It may sound cruel. But sometimes we need to force independence.....as HE probably did when YOU were growing up.
Best wishes to you both at this extremely difficult time.......