We've been together nearly 2 years now and are engaged. His mother has decided, for no good reason at all that we can see that she can't stand me. She even blanked me at our engagement party!. I've been nothing but nice to her.
His Dad and Dad's partner are fine with me. As it's coming up to xmas he'll be popping over to visit them all and take their presents from us over. We'll probably all go see his Dad and partner but he's going to see his mum alone as she has such a problem with me. My question is, should he humour her like this and always leave me and my son out when he sees his mum or should he take us too n if she doesn't like it tough she should learn to accept me! i find it all very hurtful.
2006-12-13 09:38:06 · 40 answers · asked by serephina 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
No my name's not Sonia
2006-12-13 09:44:30 · update #1
My son(9) is from a previous relationship so he's not experiencing a mean granny thankfully.
2006-12-13 09:55:41 · update #2
I've talked to him in the past n he knows it hurts me, but I think he loves a quiet life with no hassle more than he loves me sometimes!
2006-12-13 10:08:43 · update #3
You will be spending the rest of your lives together, so I think she should learn to accept you. Your fiance should stand by you too. You two are now a team and you can't let anyone come between you. Your couple deserves that much.
Congratulations and good luck!
2006-12-13 09:43:04 · answer #1 · answered by Miss T 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I had a similar situation with my husband's mom. We moved in together after about 9 months together and got engaged after the second year. Before becoming engaged I knew that his mom didn't approve of me and I assumed it was because I wasn't Catholic and Filipino. After we got engaged you could tell she was pissed. My husband wanted to handle it the same way as yours (he is a BIG mamma's boy!!!). I told him I would not marry him if we couldn't have a complete family. So I kind of went behind his back and took his mom to lunch. We had a very very long lunch. I was right on my assumptions about why she didn't like me but there was much more to it than that. Basically she didn't think I could take care of her son right or would make him change his religion. I explained my side and I married her son with no worries a few months later. We have been happily married for 6 years and his mom loves me now.
Maybe you should talk to her. You couldn't make it any worse. Hope my story helps.
2006-12-13 10:25:24 · answer #2 · answered by daisog_h 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said your fiance is going at xmas to see her on his own - is that because she specifically said she didn't want you there? If so, over new year or something invite her round to your & your fiance's place, that way it is on your turf & she is more likely to be less rude towards you & yu can take it from there.
If she didn't say it specifically, however hard it may be for you, your fiance, or his mother, you should still go. She isn't going to go anywhere & she needs to accept (if she likes it or not) that you aren't going anywhere either. The more time you spend with her the easier (or at least more civil) things will get.
She will respect you more if you still go to see her with your bf as it shows your love & support for her son. Don't give her an excuse not to like you - she is more likely to make up more excuses in her head as to why she doesn't like you if she doesn't see you that often.
Does his mother have a partner of her own now? Maybe she feels as though she doesn't have her son's father any more & now she feels she is going to "lose" her son now too...and she feels like she is losing him to you, hence her change in attitude towards you since you annonced your engagement.
Also, there is a high chance that she doesn't like her ex's current partner, in which case if she thinks that you & his partner get on, she may feel left out, like the odd one out & that could produce resentment towards you.
Just keep being nice to her & she should come around in time. It wont be easy (for any of you) but if you persist, I'm sure things will get easier & be much better in the longrun.
Also, get your fiance to actually talk to her 1 on 1, about how she is with you & he should ask why she is being like that. If they have a heart to heart about it then I'm sure things will be able to be sorted out if you know why she has a problem with you.
Avoiding it (& her) will just make things worse in the longrun.
2006-12-13 10:00:32 · answer #3 · answered by Meeeee! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear Serephina,
Beautiful name, by the way!
You have no need to put up with the inadequate conduct of both your, hopefully not future mother-in-law, and your fiancee. He should have better sense than to put his mother first! After all he will be sharing your bed and all that comes along with marriage!
You must be as assertive as you possibly can now or suffer the consequences of always being the 'other woman'.
Your fiancee must take into consideration that your feelings are being stepped on by his mom and take measures to put a stop to it!
It is not your fault that her relationship did not work out. She has no justification for taking it out on you. She is pretty much set in her ways therefor trying to change her would be beating a dead horse. There is nothing left for you to do but to put your foot down and not allow her to continue her rude and offensive behavior. Let both of them know that you are to be respected! If you have no positive feedback you should consider the possibility of having to endure this situation and possibly worse should you decide to stay with this mama's boy!
2006-12-13 09:52:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way would i or my partner put up with that? Why should you? Whenever me and my partner have a arguments with my inlaws then he ALWAYS takes my side and i take he's and its never been any differant. I would have something to say other wise if he thinks anything of you he will take your side? Your he's family now if you know what i mean like you are he's life really i cant get over the fact that he acts like this. Fair enough its he mam but no way. Stand up and have your say love let him know how you feel.Not that you should have to really. He should'nt have let her get away with ignoring you at your own party???? Confused???
2006-12-14 07:44:12 · answer #5 · answered by Julie M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to take you over to her house with him. Otherwise, he is sending her a signal that she doesn't ever have to learn to get along with you. That's no way to begin a marriage. Tell him this, and forewarn him that you will be approaching her from now on. Stop waiting for him to blaze the trail - she already likes him. Approach her on your own and begin a conversation about anything. If she is cold, keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. You'll eventually break down her icy exterior and I'll bet she'll deny that she ever disliked you. Bottom line is this: don't permit yourself to play the "through him" game. Don't put your man in the middle of a struggle between his love and his mother - you'll always lose that one.
2006-12-13 09:55:53 · answer #6 · answered by stargirllll4311 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry that you are going thru this. Sounds very similar to my mother in law, except after 8 years of marriage she still hasn't learned to accept me no matter how hard I try. My husband has never once stuck up for me to her and always takes her side because "its easier" I think you need to nip that in the bud real quick. YOu should be the first lady in his life now. He can love his mom, but he is building a life with you.
2006-12-13 09:41:27 · answer #7 · answered by Steph C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, mothers-in-law. *sigh*
You need to nip this in the bud before you get married. I also think it's your future husband that needs to deal with her on this matter--try not to get involved. However, he needs to put his foot down and bring you along (if you wish) to the visits. If she doesn't like it, she'll need to get over it as you're marrying her little boy. Which is probably the reason she is giving you the cold shoulder. The earlier you deal with this, the better. Have a talk with your intended and make sure he understands he's marrying you and needs to leave mom on the back-burner. Understand that she's still his mom, but she needs to step down and let you be the wife.
It could get worse or it could get better. I deal with a MIL, while she likes me (I guess), is very controlling and doesn't want to fully comprehend that her sons have wives.
2006-12-13 09:45:26 · answer #8 · answered by CAELDA 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly your husband needs to stand up to her. Then deal with whatever the problem is, in the open. The moment he starts going alone will just cause more problems. You are in the family whether she likes you or not...so just carry on like she still loves you and keep being nice to her. She'll come around if you haven't done anything...plus if she doesn't you only have to see her on special occasions.
2006-12-13 09:51:05 · answer #9 · answered by Future Mrs. Beasley 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If his is going to marry you, ask him if it will be like this all the time, because if it is you don't need someone who puts you on hold like that. He has had his mother all his life, now hes a big boy. you have to decide if you are going to put up with that for the rest of you life.
But you also have to remember that is his mother. a relationship with your mother is a very special thing. put yourself in his shoes and think about what its like. he is getting married and it must be pretty scary for him.
Also, tell her how you feel about all this. Tell her your getting married to her son, and you would like her to accept you.
2006-12-13 09:55:22 · answer #10 · answered by the luv of lynn 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋