May I have your opinion?SHOULD I submit this poem or work more on it?

Question

I am really looking forward in winning my College's Annual Poetry contest, but I still think something is missing here. My topic is on my father and here it comes, guys:
************************************
I am glad for all I've had
I know I'll get more
That's what I'm waiting for,
I believe that one day
I'll make you proud of me...
From a sun's sharp ray
To the clear waters of the sea,
I will make you see,
That kisses feel real
And that tears heal
I'm still thankful for everything you've given me
And there's nothing else that you could've given me
I love you and you love me
Our story might end
Just were the lines break
But inside my heart
Your love will always remain************

Answer 1

If you wish to write serious poetry, I commend you for that desire. If you wish to improve in poetry, you can work on that. I think work is a good thing. Novelists never submit first drafts for publication. Neither should poets.

Poetry is crystallized emotion, emotion related after due reflection.

Poetry is not about how you feel, but how you can make your reader/listener feel.

Poetry should not tell, but instead should show. This is hard. You tell about your emotions, your hopes. Instead, you need to let the reader observe something and figure out what is happening for themselves. It is as though you had painted a picture and written down labels for each of the parts and characters. Children do that in painting: mommy, daddy, horse. Poets should allow the reader some latitude in figuring things out.

What you have in your words is all about yourself. Count the number of times you say the word "I". You have left the reader no room to climb into the poem, no place where they themselves can identify. Write about yourself as a separate person, describe outward clues to that person's state of mind and being. Do not label, do not say "I".

Modern poetry seldom if ever rhymes. The rhyme seems forced. Modern poetry uses line breaks for emphasis, uses internal vowel sounds and consonents to carry mood. Rhythm changes with meaning and I wonder at why your rhythm has brothen at the I'm still thankful... line?

In the line three up from the bottom, what do you mean "Just were the lines break "? Did you mean, Just where the lines break ?

You need to rethink your punctuation. I see a comma or two but nothing else. Oh, get rid of ellipses (...) unless you mean you took something out or were interrupted.

Try reading some modern poetry. You would not start building houses without looking at houses already built. Poetry requires the absolute minimum amount of words to get the right ideas across. You may have some wonderful ideas, but work on them.

Answer 2

I love it, but i do think it needs a little work. Yet I can't write poems so i have no right to judge. I know one thing though your dad should get this on Father's Day in a handmade card. he will love it! Good Luck!

Answer 3

I would get rid of the "and's and Thats"

Kisses feel real
Tears Heal
Inside my heart
your Love remains

Play with it and see if it works for you.

Hope it helps

Answer 4

Well I think you're brilliant! Just be careful when you type it to leave the extra "n" out of question - typo I know and easy not to notice. Very cool!

Answer 5

Your poem is beautiful and you need to ad nothing it has everything it needs its perfect could you write one on Mothers

Answer 6

Yeah it still needs a little polishing, getting there though

Answer 7

poetry is a good avenue to transcend your inner self to the outside world, more power, good work

Answer 8

you go tell it from your heart I think it is good
if you feel that it needs more pray about it and go for it good luck

Answer 9

Add with me, or in me.