I've been divorced for over a year after 18 years of a very abusive marriage. I have a new man in my life, but I'm still hearing the old hurtful things that my ex said, i.e., "I hate you", "I want a divorce", "I'm looking for someone else", "You're too fat/skinny", "Quit calling me at work", My family hates you", etc...
He cheated from about the second year of our marriage and blamed it on me. Whenever he went out of town (frequently) he would sleep with some other woman. One minute it would be okay and the next he was screaming that he hated me and wished that I would die. That's borderline personality disorder and it's the only reason I stuck around - because I knew that he was sick.
Anyway, I'm having a very rough time understanding that my new guy won't leave me. He treats me very well and tells me that he loves me often. He is very gentle with me and really understands my feelings. I told him once or twice about how bad my marriage was and the scars it left.
2006-12-13 08:45:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
I don't want to push him away with my neediness, but I can't seem to get away from those voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough or that he will leave me or cheat on me. He has NEVER given me any reason at all to doubt his integrity, so why won't this go away? Would it help me if I confronted my ex on the phone to ask him why he did the things he did and said the things he said? Should I pour all of my hurt and anger on him and let him deal with it?
2006-12-13 08:48:02 · update #1
Honestly, the thing that helped me is I went to the nearest Bible-believing church and got some counseling on being healed. You have a pack full of lies in your head, as I did from growing up around an abusive father. I was taught the truth about who I am and who I was created to be. The Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and God has plans to prosper us and not to hurt us, plans for hope and a future. He knit us lovinly in our mothers womb, and each of us is a great and wonderful creation.
You need healing. You are hurt. You need to know the truth.
2006-12-13 08:51:42 · answer #1 · answered by Be Still and know He's God 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I would not call him because it could drag lots of feelings back. Besides telling him how you feel wont change the past and wont heal your scars. He obviously didn't care then so he wouldn't care now.
However you could write a letter to him. Just don't send it. After you write it you could burn it or put it away somewhere safe. Anything you like. But it helps you get those feelings out without dragging him back in.
I'd also suggest seeing a therapist. They can help you to deal with the things you went through and how to put it behind you.
It's only been a year compared to your 18 years of hell. It will take time to heal those wounds. It's nice that you have found someone who is caring but you should really take it slow till you can start to heal your old wounds. I know you can heal them too! Because as much as your hurting now look what you survived? You were a strong woman to put up with all that bull from your ex. Your a strong woman to try and move on from him. Now it is time to be strong for yourself so you can deal with those past hurts so you can move on from them.
2006-12-13 09:22:07 · answer #2 · answered by Gypsy Cat 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would tell him that even though you know he won't leave you you still have fears from the past relationship that he will. Tell him all the stuff you told us, just sit him down and tell him. Tell him that you're doing your best to get over these feelings but that it will take some time and his help. Tell him that you're afraid you may seem needy sometimes but it's just you getting used to the new circumstances. If you're still feeling this way talking to a counselor might help some. They could help you sort out why the feelings are still there and what you can do about them. Good luck.
2006-12-13 10:25:03 · answer #3 · answered by starr_wix_wickens_aka.starreyes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have reason to be angry and hurt....accept that fact. You won't move on until you do. Once accepting of how you feel you can work to change how you feel. If you need help effecting the changes you want to make, the best thing is to see a therapist. Don't put the burden of your baggage on your new man, he doesn't deserve that, and probably couldn't handle it over the long term anyway.
2006-12-13 08:48:49 · answer #4 · answered by essentiallysolo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it might be hurtful if any one is watching for a longer term dating and the opposite man or woman refuses. Frankly, if they don't seem to be at the equal wavelength, it is time to transfer on.
2016-09-03 17:33:22 · answer #5 · answered by shiva 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please consider seeing a counselor or therapist to work through your feelings. Check with your local women's center/shelter or county human services office. If you have health insurance, you can get a list of certified counselors from the insurance company to help you recover from the abuse and learn to trust yourself--and others--again. The sooner the better...and it will be worth it! Good luck to you.
2006-12-13 08:54:05 · answer #6 · answered by SensiblySmart 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should just forget about him! If you really have problems forgeting, got to a counsling!
Sorry if this dosn't help (imonly ing the 6th grade)
2006-12-13 08:51:57 · answer #7 · answered by blondy42895 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋