Can you help me make my Short story better between 400 -350 words ????????

Question

As a girl named Annie walked outside her house. Annie had no siblings so in fact she was an only child. Her mom worked as a doctor and the father was a surgeon. The nationality of the family was that they were Jewish. On a beautiful morning Annie got dressed, ate breakfast and asked her mom “will anyone pick on me because I’m Jewish” and her mom said “no, honey don’t worry I’m sure they will treat you as if you are one of them”. She asked that because that was her first day of high school and things like racial and racism happen. When Annie got to school she made a couple of new Jewish friends and from other nationality too. Two months passed on by and a new girl came to Annie’s school. The school that Annie was in was called Laurnhill. The new girl was black and her name was Jenny. Jenny on the same day she arrived she picked a fight with Annie. What happened was that Jenny went up to Annie and asked her “where do you come from” and Annie said “Israel” and Jenny said “so, you’re Jewish” and Annie said “yes, I am and I’m proud of it”. The reason she asked Annie where she came from was because the school she was in before she got expelled from was because she had beaten up a student because of her race which was that she was Jewish too.

So, then Jenny started to call her names like you’re a fag and your whole family is a fag etc,,,, later Annie said “no I’m not that, so don’t call me that or else” then Jenny said “or else what” and then Annie said “I will go and tell the teacher and get you in trouble” and then Jenny said “I am not afraid of you and I’m not afraid of them”. After them swearing at each other Jenny threw a punch at Annie because she didn’t like Jews. Afterwards Annie ended up in the hospital and Jenny was expelled from that school too. And Jenny’s family sent Jenny to a boarding school for just black girls. And Jenny’s parents were very terrified for her life .so they sent her away. Anyway it took Annie a couple of months to recover and go back to the same school to be reunited with her friends and to show them that life is a struggle no matter who you are or where you are. Also that you need is courage and strength to come back to the same place where everything happened and learn how to live with it and to show that stuff happen but you learn from it like: when you say “I will go tell the teacher” you actually do it and not being involved in the fight in which nobody would have gotten hurt and that you can also prevent it. Annie’s family was helping her recovery and reassuring her that if something in her gut does not feel right just walk away like in this case she could have went to the teacher and got help for Jenny . This kind of helps her through the time she is at school surrounded by people she knows that she can rely on. Also so that everybody to can get rely on the teachers, principle and any adults. To make sure that they are safe when they are at school.

Answer 1

You story structure is not good. Your sentence structure is all over the place. Run-on, incomplete and multipule subjects. You start a lot of sentences with - and, also and anyway.

Read some stories by your favorite author. Study his/her style of writing. It also helps if you read your story out loud. How does it sound? Is it natural? Does it flow? Try rewriting it without so many ands.

Answer 2

Here it is: (racial is not something that happens, it is something that is).
Annie had no siblings so she was an only child. Her mom worked as a doctor and the father was a surgeon. The family's nationality was Jewish. On a beautiful morning Annie got dressed, ate breakfast, and asked her mom, “Will anyone pick on me because I’m Jewish?” Her mom said, “No, honey don’t worry I’m sure they will treat you as if you are one of them.” She asked that because that was her first day of high school and things like racism happen. When Annie got to her new school, Laurnhill, she made a couple of new Jewish friends and some other friends from other nationalities too. Two months passed by and a new girl came to Annie’s school. The new girl was black and her name was Jenny. On the same day, that Jenny arrived she picked a fight with Annie. Jenny went up to Annie and asked her, “Where do you come from?” Annie said, “I come from Israel.” Jenny then questioned Annie,“So, you’re Jewish?” Annie said, “Yes, I am, and I’m proud of it." The reason Jenny asked Annie where she came from was because the school that she [Jenny] had been at before she got expelled from, was that she had beaten up a student who was also Jewish.

So, then Jenny started to call her names like, "You’re a ***," and "Your whole family is a ***," "etc,,,," Later Annie said, “No, I’m not that, so don’t call me that or else....” Jenny interrupted her saying, “Or else what?” Annie replied, “I will go and tell one of the teachers and you'll get into trouble.” Jenny laughed, saying, “I'm not afraid of you and I’m not afraid of them.” After they swore at each other, Jenny threw a punch at Annie because she didn’t like Jews. Afterwards, Annie ended up in the hospital, and Jenny was expelled from Laurnhill too. Her parents were terrified for her life, so they sent her away to a boarding school just for black girls. It took Annie a couple of months to recover and go back to Laurnhill to be reunited with her friends and to show them that life is a struggle no matter who you are or where you are. All that you need is courage and strength to come back to the same place where everything happened and learn how to live with it and to show that stuff happens but you learn from it like, when you say, “I will go tell the teacher,” you actually do it and not get involved in the fight in which people would have gotten hurt and that you can also prevent it. Annie’s family was helping her recover and reassuring her that if something in her gut did not feel right to just walk away, such as, the case in which she could have went to the teacher and gotten help for Jenny. This kind of helps her through the time she is at school surrounded by people she knows that she can rely on. Also, so that everybody else can rely on the teachers, principle and any other adults, to make sure that they are safe when they are at school.

if you're going to become a writer, i suggest that you start reading, reading, reading. even if you don't want to become a writer, i still suggest you read. it improves your grammar, sentence structure, how you talk, etc.