My 11 yr old daughter told me her stepmother removed her bedroom door...?

Question

When my daughter visits her dad she used to share a room with her step-sister. The step-sister moved to her dad's this summer and stepmom turned that room into an office getting rid of my daughter's bed and replacing it with a sofa. Now when my daughter goes over there she won't allow her to close the door unless she is changing her clothes.
Then the last time my daughter went to their house she said that her stepmother removed the door completely.
I have always told my daughter to respect the rules of her father's house and to be respectful of her stepmother even if they disagree, but I disagree with this. There is no talking to her dad because he doesn't know how to compromise or even listen to me OR my daughter when we approach him with a concern.
When my daughter is home with me she does not spend her time locked in her room but she is at an age now where she needs a bit more privacy. Is this right?

I would understand if my daughter causes trouble or if they suspected she was doing drugs or something else where she couldn't be trusted with the door closed, but that just isn't the case. Furthermore, there has never been ANY explaination other than "because i said" as to why she's not allowed to have a door.

Answer 1

I have to wonder if the "office" has a computer with Internet access in it, which may explain some. I experienced this same situation (only my ex did it as punishment) where the door was removed from my son's room at age 16 and his mother was living with her lesbian lover. I thought it was very inappropriate. You and she have to make the best of it, she needs to change in the bathroom. My son eventually choose to move in with me, and has not had contact (many reasons other than this) with his mother(she doesn't try to contact him either, it makes me sad) in 8 years. You have to stay positive and teach her how to handle difficult situations, until she reaches the age when she will tell her father that she won't stay overnight under these conditions. It must come from her, not you.
Is it right?....you and I think not...no one said life would be "right" or "fair"

Answer 2

Probably the door removal was because the room was turned into an office and is no longer a bedroom.

Here is the real question and issue as I see it. If her father does not deem it necessary to provide an appropriate sleeping space including privacy for such, does this indicate that he really doesn't care if she comes to stay? The room was for the step mother's daughter while she was living in the home and your daughter shared the room while visiting her Dad. As soon as the step-mother's daughter moves out to live with her dad, the room is changed to an office with no consideration that there was someone else also utilizing that room as a bedroom. Therefore the entire focus of the room was modified from a bedroom with privacy, a door, a bed, utilized as a sleeping location; to an office with no privacy, no door, a sofa, office equipment utilized for business purposes. It is not intended to be a guest room or a bedroom.

Therefore, they are not providing adequate sleeping quarters for your daughter. Sad how some people cannot grow up and stop acting younger than the children that they have.

Answer 3

Is your daughter telling you the whole truthful story?
If it was being done as a punishment tactic, then I don't see a problem with it.
Was it done because they wanted the office door removed, and it just happens to be her "bedroom" when she's there?
Or it is being done out of spite (which it sounds like) Then while it may be legal, it's disrespectful and certainly isn't helping the relationship between the stepmother and your daughter.
It also sounds like the dad needs to step up and be a father instead of letting the stepmother make all the rules.

Have you tried talking to the dad and stepmother about this?
I'm assuming you have a court order for visitation rights between you and her father, maybe bring this up with your lawyer.
If your daughter isn't feeling comfortable and respected their, maybe she can speak with the lawyer (or judge) to have things changed. It might even help to mention that they don't even have a room available for her when she does visit.

Just some random thoughts, hope you get a peaceful resolution.

Answer 4

Wow that's just wrong... to not allow her to even have a bedroom to begin with! It's a freaking office! Is that REALLY how you should treat a step-daughter? or any daughter? NO. It's not right in any way. And neither is taking the door completely off. We all need our privacy and to be alone to ourselves sometimes. It's normal to want that. I know I'd go to my room if I had a bad day- my room was me... it made me feel comfortable. How in the world is she supposed to be comfortable in an office for a room with no door?

I'd personally have a chat with both your ex and the stepmother. Be nice about the situation, but let them know this is not the kind of atmosphere she should have when she is there. She should be treated like a human being and if they truly cared for her, they wouldn't do this. This may or may not be resolved, but I'd try your best to do something. Not sure if there is anything you could do legally... maybe try to do some searching?

Goodluck, this poor girl is never going to feel like herself when she's with her dad... she'll grow to really appreciate you as you are a good mother and concerned for her best interests.

Answer 5

It is too bad that there isn't a stable relationship between you and her father & wife for communication. With everything you've said it sounds as if the step-mother doesn't trust your daughter to be in the new office alone.
I would first establish that there is no reason for that line of thinking and then I would make it clear that you do not appreciate this development. If they are unwilling to compromise then perhaps your daughter should only have day time visits rather than staying the night.
I agree that your daughter should respect her father's wife and household but they need to have a little more respect for your daughter.
But before all of this, make sure there isn't a reason or misunderstanding as to why they feel the need to remove the door.

Answer 6

First there must be a reason shes not allowed to close the door. Is there something she isn't telling you? Did she do something to warrant suspicion on the stepmothers part? Maybe getting on her computer or something that she was told not to do? Just playing devils advocate here...I can't understand the logic behind it unless she did something to raise suspicion. Maybe there is a valid reason that you are unaware of. Can you speak to the stepmother? If she is going to be around you have to be able to communicate with her as she is responsible for the welfare of your child. Regardless of what your personal feelings may be towards each other. Be above that.

I also would think that your husband would have to provide a room for your daughter that is a designated bedroom. I know my boyfreind had to kick out his roomate because his ex wifes lawyer threatened to take him to court because of it. They had joint custody though and i dont know what your requirements may be. Depends on how much time she spends there. I agree that at her age privacy is important but if she is not respecting the rules the punishment may be warranted.

Answer 7

To me, the lady is just being a ***** because she know her dad
is not going to say nothing of a sort and that is so wrong. Your
Daughter is 11 yr. old and does need some privacy. I don't see how your daughter still wants to go visit her dad. She should
try to sit down with him by her self and talk to him with out the *****. She needs to explain how she feels, don't hold nothing back and I mean nothing back even if it makes her cry, that will
be her true feelings. That ***** can't get away with it. That lady
married him with children then she needs to marry with children
and give the child her space as well. She can take that away from
her, how is she supposed to make friends with the fathers child
or is she not planning too? If I were your daughter, I would say
**** it I'm not going back until he realizes he has a daughter
and not just a friend going to visit. Come on your saying he is basiclly taking her side, that is not good. She does not need that from anyone she does not feel loved, she feels
distant from him and her, there is no connection. She is the step
evil ***** mother from hell that everybody always talks about.
Well she one of them. I wish your daughter Good luck cause she
is going to be needing it. And I do hope she stops herself for a
while from going to see her father just until he notice her again
like he did when she was born or until the ***** came along.
Talk to your daughter and tell her to talk to her dad and to take
it from there and I know you said it is point less but she has to
start somewhere. If he doesn't want to take the time then, right
there should show her, he does't have time for her at all. All
Parents should take time to listen to their children no matter
what it is.

Answer 8

Tell your daughter that she should be the one to bring up and question "the door" issue the next time she's at her father's house. Explain to her that both her stepmom and dad ignore anything you may have to say, so having her do the compromising may have the best results. Tell her to not mention you name (ex.- Mom thinks...., Mom said...) since that may bring any progress to a complete halt. If it's possible, it may best if she brings it up when both mom and Dad are in the same room- so it won't seem one sided.

This is a weird problem, but maybe it's temporary.
Hope I've helped.

Answer 9

Hate is a good word I use for step parents who abuse their power. This is not OK, I would have no problem is her dad had done this, but not her step mother.

The saddest thing is that her dad cares more about his new wife then his own daughter. I would say most people who remarry after having children are selfish scumbags (yes go ahead and thumb me down for that) but your story is proof of this. This stupid lady moves in with your daughter's father, and the phase out process is now in effect (meaning she is phasing out his past)

Soon he will see her less and less. Oh it will be because she is a teenager, and prefers to be around her mom (NOT!!!!), when subconsciously she wants and needs to have a relationship with her father too, but a combination of a stupid man, and a controlling evil bit** will prevent a good relationship from existing. At first she will start to feel unwanted during her visits to her dad, as she gets older, she will refuse to go and see him.

I feel greatly for your little one. I wish her father cared about her as you do. Once she starts not wanting to go over there anymore, you should pick up the phone and talk to your ex, see if that will knock some since into him. In the end, if he doesn't put his foot down, and demand time with his daughter, I'd not make her go if she didn't want to.
Poor Thing- my heart always goes out to children hurt by the ones who are suppose to love them

Good Luck

Answer 10

I'm not sure I understand the situation. Did the step-mother remove the door because she doesn't want your daughter closing it, or because she thinks it's better for her office?

If it's the latter, perhaps you can compromise by putting up a curtain on a tension rod when your daughter is there. If its the former, then it sounds like there is a big issue and you need to FORCE your ex to get involved.