Doesn't respect works both ways when it comes to parenting??

Question

My partner and I have been living and raising my 3 kids together for the past 4 and a half years. I'm not sure if it is a cultural thing, but I find that my partner (who my kids refer to as Dad, as he is the only father they have ever known), has the dendincy to be rude to my kids especially my son. If my partner feels that the kids have done something wrong - he says things like: Are you an idiot? What the heck is wrong with your head? Are you stupid? - to me, that is a big no no, I feel that if the child has done something wrong he should be disciplned accordingly for example - doing time out or having his favourite toy taken away for a period of time. I find my partners way of dealing with the kids rather demeaning, and very rude. Its gotten to the point that my kids have the very same behaviour as my partner. He claims that the kids dont respect him, but I strongly believe that respect works both ways - he needs to respect them, and they will do the same for him.

Thank you all so much for the replies, much appreciated. Ok to help some of you who have questions better understand the situation. I was married before but, my ex-husband and I divorced when my youngest was just about to be born – she is now 5 years old. I met my partner when my little one was 8 months old. My kids ages (7, 6 & 5) don’t know that they have a “REAL” father as my ex has not been in their lives. My partner too was married before but, is unable to have kids of his own (medical issues). And yes it is unfair of me to stay in this relationship because of my partner’s behavior but, at the same time it would be unfair on my kids to leave their Dad (again in works both ways). >>> to be continued....

Cont.. >>> I just feel that there has to be a way of trying to change the way my partner disciplines the kids. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and he stopped it for a while (2/3 days) but, then he goes right back to that same behavior. I am from a small remote Mining town in South Africa and there is no place over here to have family counseling. At the end of the day, I don’t want my kids and their Dad (my partner) to have a toxic relationship with one another, and I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that it is ok to be that way with other people or even their own kids one day..

Answer 1

My dad was like that, and it does do a significant amount of damage. He also expected respect without showing me any - It doesn't work like that. The last big argument we got into before I moved out and stopped speaking to him was about respect, his expectations, my expectations, his needs and my needs. I wanted it to be a rational discussion, but apparently I was "lecturing" him, which I take as he realizes his behavior is wrong but isn't willing to change it, and so it turned into a major dispute. I remember one remark he made when I was 10 or 11 to this day. I was looking at a painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware, and there was a brief caption at the bottom stating that and the date of the crossing. I'm dyslexic. I misread the date. His remark was "That's not what it says, are you brain dead or something?"

I strongly recommend you put your foot down on your partner’s behavior. It's not acceptable. It's not right. It's not healthy. It's not healthy for him, it's not healthy for your children, and it’s not healthy for you. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to correct behavior. Verbally demeaning and insulting someone is not appropriate. Just because someone is younger than you does not make it acceptable to expect respect without showing any respect. I’m quite sure he wouldn’t behave like this towards his colleagues at work, and he shouldn’t behave like this towards you or your children.

Most likely, he was also treated like this as a child, and thinks it's an acceptable way to discipline. There are some major issues that need to be sorted out, and a counsellor may help. It may not help. If it doesn't help, for your sanity and the emotional health of your children, please, please leave him. No one deserves to be treated like that, like they're stupid and have violated some sort of standard that isn't returned.

Answer 2

I was told I was stupid by my uncle who I lived with for some time and it wasn't very nice. I had a very low self esteem and began to actually think I was stupid and wasn't worth anything. Of course I know better now, and all kids are different so he may not feel the same as I did. You should have a long talk about it with your partner and tell him how you feel. Or better yet ask your son how it makes him feel. Respect def. works both ways. Good luck.

Answer 3

I agree with what you say, how old are your children and how long has your partner been in there life, it is hard (extremly hard) being a step parent... having the responsibility of someone elses children can be tough at times, maybe you should talk to your partner and tell him the only way he will be respected by your children is for him to respect them, talk to them properly how would he feel if he did something wrong and you called him stupid and an idiot. It certainly wouldnt give him the confidence he deserves,

Answer 4

Yes, what he is doing to your children is wrong, and will effect your kids later on in life. The real question is why would you stay with a guy that is treating your kids like this for over 4 years? Either he has to change or you have to end the relationship for the sake of your kids. Otherwise those kids will continue this cycle with their kids, and so on.

Answer 5

I totally agree with you.. Your partner has to give respect to get respect.. Why should your children give him respect if he don't give them respect.. What your partner is doing is sad and also mental and emotional abuse.. You need to sit down with your partner and explain to him that you do not agree with the way he is treating your children.. You may have to tell him if he can't be a proper parent then the relationship will have to end.. Your kids come first.. Don't let these children grow up enduring that type of abuse.. It can lead to emotional problems and depression.. Your children deserve better...Good Luck

Answer 6

hi, my stepfather sounds very much like your partner. he used to call my brother an idiot , moron, dumbass etc... my brother developed a very low self esteem due to this and he got caught up in the wrong crowd. He weas seeking acceptance from anywhere he could get it. Your partner sounds like a very dominant macho kind of guy who doesnt like male competion. he needs to demean the boys in order to make himself feel like a man. Perhaps also he is a little resentful of them not being his biologically ? Have you spoken to him re this ? maybe family councelling to find out the root of the problem ? Perhaps your partner was treated this way by his father ? maybe its a case of re educating his parenting .....Does he treat you this way also ?

Answer 7

You are right. Calling children idiots and stupid just gives them a low self esteem. As with swearing at them and smacking them. All it teaches is that it is alright to swear and hit back.

Answer 8

Your right. If he wants to be respected, he needs to respect your children.
I think saying all that stuff, like, your an idiot, etc. is a form of emotional abuse.

Answer 9

Your partner is verbally abusing your children, put a stop to it!

Answer 10

EVERYTHING IS A TWO WAY STREET.