Is it "legal" or humane if you are beaten up by your parent because of slipping grades?

Question

This won't be the first time. I'm Asian, and I had this done to me beore many times by my dad. I've been beaten up not too long ago too - on Friday because I woke up late for school, and I had this huge blackish red bruise on my leg and one on my hand. I've been depressed about it since and my grades have been slipping in the last couple of months (a 80% student to a 50% in last 2 months!! I have never gotten this kind of mark before.) I've told him over and over again to stop beating me up. Now my dad found out at work today that I was doing really bad in Physics (My mom called him, she got a call from my teacher). He called me on phone, disapointed and hung up without a word. I'm afraid that when he comes home tonight, he'll beat me up again. What should I do?
For more detailed on previous story, go to http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aksp.fK8hgQI5hhMu.K1cKzsy6IX?qid=20061208135647AAtQgEf

I'm not sure if I want him in jail because he's the only prviding income for our family. My mom doesn't work (she can't even speak English well).

I'm really embarased to tell the teacher or the guidance counselor and I'm afraid to call the police (to me, calling the police is a huge step!!) Is it normal to feel this way? Maybe it's because pay too much attention to what everyone else would think about me and my family.

I'm a girl....

Answer 1

Wow, O3O, I am very sympathetic -- what a terrrible situation you are in.

I think you need to give it your very best shot BEFORE you take it to authorities outside your home for two reasons: rightly or wrongly, I think you all will be haunted by betrayal issues from which there may or may not be recovery; also, once you are "in the system", (police and social services) the system is in control, one size fits all, and there is no going back.

I do think that Lady Montana makes some very valid points, that there is a strong cultural component that can't be wished or legislated away; also, I am quite sure that that your parents do care about you. But I can't quite agree with her advice, partly because she says she was beaten when she was little -- you are not little and the aggression is increasing -- but mostly because I think that just "playing good" and hoping is not really a solution.

I read both of your posts, and what pops out at me is the cultural and the medical/psychiatric. You said your father has...testosterone?...problems. This needs to be examined. Is this a medical fact, or a wisecrack that all of us women have made at one time or another? If it is really a diagnosis, then maybe all of your family need information on the possible psychological and behavioral effects that can be expected and how to deal with them and hopefully relieve them.

Bottom line, I suggest you write your father a letter about the situaltion, and how awful it feels. BUT, promise yourself you will NOT give him that first letter. Reread it every day for a few days, and allow yourself to let your legitimate accusations mature into sincere questions and you will probably discover shared emotions and concerns. In other words, state your grievances, but not in a way that makes him need to defend himself. If you are in any way religious, pray, pray, pray over it. If you think it is true, make sure you let them know that you love them and you feel safe knowing they love you; that even though it may not seem apparent right now and more rough times may be ahead. that what you really want is for all of you to live in love happily ever after... but that's not likely to happen unless you all can start feeling better about each other now...

So I'd more or less say the following in the letter: yes, they (your parents) are mostly the old culture -- but they did, after all, choose to leave it behind. They probably had great hope for your future here, mixed with vague fears of "western decadence". In any case, as a result of that move, you are more immersed in the new culture. I think that Eastern culture is more concerned with the good of society and western culture is more concerned with personal freedom. Thery are both legitimate, but the conflict is inevitable. In "their" culture, parental sucess and respectabily is achieved by strict and (if necessary) physical discipline. Western culture defines these things differently, and west is where you are.

(By the way,you mentioned you "did not like the house." That may have been your expression of your own fear of the unfamiliar, and your mother's overreaction due to her/their uncertainty about their decision to emigrate.)

You are 16, and I am afraid that it is time for you to truly understand that problems and fears do not disappear when you turn 21., and no parents are perfect. Far from it.


In a similar and non-judgmental manner, all of you may need to face, discuss, understand and adjust to the medical reality, whatever it is...The irrational component of the problem may disappear with a pill!


Meanwhile, I suggest you tell that teacher that you have some family problems right now that you are working on, and you don't want to add to your parents' stress right now. (You need not say more about that).

Admit that your academic decline is troubling you too, and ask him to approach YOU first with his concerns, because it is really YOUR problem to solve. Ask for extra help of some kind in order to catch up and put your mind to it. Hopefully, he won't have to call them at all...


I hope some of this is helpful, best of luck

Answer 2

This is abuse and it's definitely not legal or humane. You need to get help. If you don't feel comfortable talking to a school counselor about it, you should call the child abuse hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD. At this number, you can talk to a counselor about what to do and it will be completely anonymous (and free) as long as you call from a payphone or a regular landline. If you call from a cell phone the number might show up and you might also get charged for it, which you probably don't want to show up on your cell phone bill.
In case you don't want to look up the site online, I've skimmed the information and the key points are to press 1 to talk to a counselor, and that the counselor won't notify police, CPS, or other authorities for you, but if you decide you want to, they'll connect you and even stay on the line as well.
The hotline is available 24-7 and was set up for people in your position. Please use it!

Sorry, I just realized you're in Canada, so I don't know if the number will work for you.
In Canada, you should call Kids Help Phone: [phone]
It works the same way--anonymous, toll-free, 24/7.
Please call as soon as you can so you can get help!

Answer 3

I don't know a lot about the Asian culture but I do know that as an Asian you would have a very strong aversion to "telling on" family and being embarassed about all that's happening to you. However, you really have to do the hard thing here and talk to a guidance counselor at your school. I don't care what culture you are from - you are living in Canada and what your father is doing to you is illegal. Your school can make a report to child protective services based on your bruises. That way, you are not the one who told. Perhaps they can get counseling for your family. And if not, perhaps you would be better off in a foster home. Your drop in grades are probably due to all the stress on you at home. Please take care of yourself and tell someone. There's no shame in it.

Answer 4

See your guidance counselor at school at once and tell him or her that you are being beaten, and ask him/her to call Child Protective Services for you. It is never legal or humane to beat a child, regardless of the infraction. Get help; you need it! If you have a cell phone that takes pictures, make a photo of your bruises or other marks as documentation. I'm very sorry this is happening to you -- good luck.

Answer 5

Dear boy, it is neither. I don't know what to tell you to do but you could talk to your school counsellor or better yet go to see your doctor. Everybody who comes in contact with you has a responsibility to report that sort of thing. You could also call the police...
I feel for you. I repeat, nobody should beat you for any reason...if your teacher knew what happened as the result of the call he or she would be devastated.
Talk to somebody like that....and take care of yourself...and don't think that you deserve this
For tonight, maybe you should call a friend and arrange to stay at his house.

Answer 6

This is not ok, and you need to speak with someone a teacher, a counselor, a guidance counselor, or call child protective services. This is not ok to beat on anyone. It is against the law. God bless****

Answer 7

leaving bruises or hitting you to the point of leaving any kind of trama on your body is not legal or right. Maybe a moderate slap if you are mouthing off or not trying to obey.

If this is such a common thing go to the police ask for social services to help you.

Answer 8

I think it is legal for him to do that but it s for your own good he doesn't want to see you doing bad so just play good and soon he will realize that you have grown up and he is going to start being very proud of the fine gentleman you turned out to be. Trust me im Asian too. when i was little my mom use to whopp me all the time.

Answer 9

it is not legal...or right...and even though you may be risking the household income, you need to get help. your mother is just as responsible for allowing this to happen to you.

Answer 10

you let someone know.... A teacher would help.... you
do not get beaten up for grades, your not even supposed
to get beaten at all...... get help, tell someone,
call 911..... don't let it happen again....... you do not
deserve it.......