He has a 16 year old daughter he found out about her a year ago! Had a blood test and he is the father. But the thing is he doesn't want to be apart of her life he says it's to late she is already grown up. He is angry that he didn't know for this long and if he would have found out in the beginning he would have been there. My thing is he won't tell our daughter that she has a sister i hate keeping this secret from her and i feel it is his place to tell her but if he doesn't tell her then what should i do? I don't want my daughter to resent me when she gets older.
2006-12-12 10:15:30 · 9 answers · asked by QUELIE QUEL 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I hate to tell you , but she will resent you both for a while, no matter when you tell her.
Your daughter's father (your husband?) should be a father to this other child only if he feels SHE wants him to be. Biology may make you a "father", but love and carring make you a dad and a parent.
I have 2 half brothers who do not know I exist. I am resentful that my birth mother never told them, but I'm now 36 and life goes on.
If this girl is not a part of your life, or her father's telling your daughter now is pointless. It might be best to have the other girl decide if she wants her sister to know about her.
Good Luck
2006-12-12 10:24:52 · answer #1 · answered by Jen 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That isn't your place to tell your daughter. She doesn't need to know. Your husband is just now dealing with this issue himself, and by having a blood test, sounds like he was denying it to some level. This is not the age to talk to an 11 year old about this. You are more concerned with yourself at this point, and not her. Do you know this 16 year old? Unless you know about this 16 year old at length....is she moral, is she a good influence on your daughter? So she gets mad. Big deal. I would say for right now, to wait until your daughter is a little more grown up... this is not the age to be doing this.
This is your husband's business on whether to tell his daughter. Stay out of it.
2006-12-12 10:23:52 · answer #2 · answered by Felicitas 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is never too late to be involved in a child's life. Once he has time to deal with this big news. Ask him: is he doing her more harm than good? What I mean is: Now that she knows who her father is and she knows that her father knows about her and he still wants nothing to do with her... That would do her more harm than good. 16 is such a confusing and crucial age... She probably will end up looking for fatherly love in the wrong places.
He should deal with it. Now onto YOUR daughter. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. (my mother always used to tell me and she's soooo right) Do you know this 16 year old? Would it benefit your daughter to know about this? Would the girls be benficial to each other's lives? Could they be detrimental to each other? Could the 16 year old unknowingly grow to resent your 11 year old? Or would they be good friends/sisters with a happy ending? Be realistic and honest with yourself about this... Come to think of it, maybe your husband is thinking of your 11 year old and what this could do to her. I am on the fence about this. I think having a father in the life of the 16 year old could be good for her, but may or may not be good for the 11 year old. Maybe you could tell the 11 year old about it, so you are not lying to her, but how do you explain this situation to an 11 year old? I am sorry, I am not answering your question. Meaning, I'm rambling my thoughts and still not coming up with an answer. Good luck.
2006-12-12 12:26:56 · answer #3 · answered by Sue A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband is being very selfish! He seems more concerned with what he missed out on than what he can be to his newly-found-out-about daughter. Try to convince him to be a part of this girl's life and let the two daughters know about each other. I have no children but if I found out that I really was the biological father of any child, I would try like hell to make up for lost time!
2006-12-12 10:38:47 · answer #4 · answered by the_pharaoh109 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a hard position to be in. But i think your husband should be inhis daughters life!!! Its not her fault that he didnt know about her,,so why take it out on her. Shes only 16. Shes still young and he has plenty of time to catch up with her. If he doesnt make an attempt to see her,,,when she finds out she s going to wonder why her dad didnt bother with her when he found out about her. He is totally in the wrong here. And if i were you i would make him understand that its not his daughters fault. And your other daughter should know that she has a half sister!!!! My son has 9 half brothers and sisters from his dad,,and i made sure to tell my son...and now they all hang out together....you cant deny her the right to see her sister. Good luck,,and talk some sense into your husband please or he will have regrets.
2006-12-12 10:22:54 · answer #5 · answered by michelle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is a practical side to this: would your 11yo daughter be able to spend time with his 16yo daughter if they wished to? If not because of her parent/s, then tell her in a couple years when the girl is 18 and can choose to spend time with her herself. However, given his choice, it sounds like she can spend time with her if they would wish, so you could tell her now. And it sounds likely the 16yo would be amenable to it as well. But... perhaps she does not know yet either?
The other practical thing is... clearly he does not want to tell her because he is smart enough to realize that the two girls getting together would force him to have some level of relationship with the 16yo daughter whether he likes it or not. It is no doubt selfish and pretty shortsighted of him and risks having no relationship with one daughter and a terrible one for some years with the 11yo. Maybe for many, many years.
Perhaps you should point that out to him. He might not have considered that aspect of it. Balancing the two might bring him around to what I think should be obvious by now I agree is absolutely the best idea. (If he still will not, you get your chance to choose selfish reasons over the right thing because you will have to risk his anger and resentment for telling your daughter or choose the easy way out yourself. And then risk the same 11yo raging at both of you someday. Presented with that choice, I hope you can choose for her over selfishness.)
2006-12-12 10:35:38 · answer #6 · answered by roynburton 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It does take time for some to come around. He is thinking about it all the time. Give him more time to tell her. She is young and might not be ready to know. You are right, it is his place to tell her. (His place, his time) Have you ask him why he will not tell her? Is it because of the age? Have you said to him 'I fell you should tell her and because you have not I think I should. Also tell him it should come from him. She will find out. I wouldn't think he would want the 16 year old to tell her.
2006-12-12 10:52:48 · answer #7 · answered by bug822 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your hubby is pissed because he didn't know earlier does he not think that his daughter now has the right to know as well? Ask him this and he might see things differently.
2006-12-12 10:31:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should tell her, and explain that her father is not a bad person, but that he didn't know. Maybe she won't have a bad reaction, and might want an onlder sister.
2006-12-12 10:29:19 · answer #9 · answered by Fuzzyglasses 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋