Should I stay or should I go? We do a lot of things together, enjoy most of the same activities. However, he is more interested in the TV than our relationship I fear. He is the best guy that I have been with since the divorce 10 years ago, but I want to move forward. How is that done without scaring him away? Men hate the work commitment.
2006-12-12 09:56:14 · 11 answers · asked by kitkat 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Hello!
Let's begin by me asking you a question: what's so important about being married?
It appears that you have everything you really want in a partner. You have an amazingly deep emotional relationship, you have love, you have a best friend, you have someone that is always there beside you and that has committed in every other way - other than marriage. What are you really missing?
I tell women this all the time: if you're goal is to be married, don't wait for your boyfriend - I'll bet you could find someone this next weekend that would marry you! Just go out and ask a bunch of guys - one of them will say "yes".
However, if your goal is to have a great relationship, don't focus on the "format" - focus on the quality! Believe me, marriage rarely makes a relationship better - and in fact, it often hurts it. It's far better to have a terrific, fulfilling relationship, than a bad marriage.
Now, let's take a look at how marriage is different for men and women. This should help you to understand why your boyfriend is reluctant to be married.
To women, marriage means security, family, future, enhanced social standing, and many other things. Little girls are sold on the image of the huge "white wedding" where she is the star and focus of the entire show. She gets gifts, has parties, gets all of her friends and loved ones together to celebrate her special day. Sounds pretty good!
To men, marriage means responsibility, a loss of freedom, a "working future", (one where he has to remain employed to support the family), a loss of choice, (he now has someone else he has to consult to make decisions), and many other things that "take away from" a lifestyle rather than adding to it. The trade off is supposed to be a regular sexual partner, but frankly, sex is the most common aspect of a relationship to suffer in a marriage!
When you look at things from this perspective, it doesn't seem so wonderful does it? Can you understand now why your boyfriend is afraid of getting engaged?
So, you have a couple of choices:
1) Go find someone that shares your goals and will marry you;
2) "Force" your boyfriend to marry you, or lose you forever;
3) Focus on the quality of the relationship you have now, and see if; as his love for you grows, he comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with you the rest of his life.
If you chose #3; I'd suggest that you make one other decision. Decide if you can live without being married. If you can't, then decide how long you're willing to wait without being married. You don't have to share this with your boyfriend either! Let's say you decide to see what happens in 5 years, and if by that time he still feels the same way, you want to move on and find someone that shares your goals. On the other hand, perhaps you'll change your mind!
One last thing: if you both agree that children are part of your future, I urge you to also agree that you'll only bring children into a married relationship! Your kids deserve this, and having kids isn't about you any more - it's entirely about what's best for them.
Best wishes.
2006-12-12 10:11:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you're right, and he's not interested in marriage. There's only one way to tell that, and that's to talk about it. I hate to say this, but if he's not the kind of guy who can even just talk about long term prospects - positive or negative - then you may have just wasted a couple years.
You say that he's the best you've found, but I'm sure there are guys out there who you could at least have "the talk" with. Communication skills are essential to a successful relationship. If he ain't got 'em, it may be time to move on. You aren't getting any younger.
Really, your only other option is to accept and enjoy the relationship as it is, indefinitely.
Good luck; I hope it works out great for you.
2006-12-12 10:06:10 · answer #2 · answered by dougdell 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, seems like most men are easily content so if you let him watch a lot of tv there's no incentive to get married. What would change for him. Obviusly he either things it doesn't matter or he is not interested. You have to decide if it really matters to you whether or not you are married. And would you really like to be married to him? Leave subtle hints like a wedding magazine etc casually around the house. Unless you are ready that he might leave try not to give an ultimatum it usually backfires. Good luck. I'd say that you should look around for other options.
2006-12-12 10:01:22 · answer #3 · answered by leilacara 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's the thing - we exaggerate the fear of commitment so you won't ask us about it. If he doesn't want to commit it could mean he doesn't want to commit to YOU and as long as you keep allowing this to go on, he isn't about to budge off the couch. Ultimatim time...you don't have the time to waste on a dead-end relationship. He may be great, but there's a lot of great guys out there who aren't looking for a new mommy. Get a grown up man.
2006-12-12 09:59:59 · answer #4 · answered by none 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has no desire for marriage with you after 3 years and he is more interested in the TV than your relationship, yet he is the best guy you've been with since your divorce? Perhaps it is time to elevate your standards a wee bit.
If you are happy with the status quo, then fine. If not, then it is time to look elsewhere for someone who wants the same things you do.
2006-12-12 10:00:07 · answer #5 · answered by castle h 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't take a man that long to know he wants to marry you. I don't care what is going on in his life. And don't settle for that fear of committment crap; it's all because men are selfish! He may feel like "if it ain't broke don't fix it," you have to let him know it is, but not with a lot of lip service and tears. Simply pick up your little "package" and go for more than a week! He'll either wake up and get you or go to sleep in from of that TV!
You gotta leave him. Trust me, you'll get your results.
2006-12-12 10:05:55 · answer #6 · answered by Cutie girl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he doesn`t want a commitment, he feels relaxed in that way, the thing is: What will happen to you? I mean.. after 3 more years of that relationship? See yourself in the future..
(sorry for my English.., I speak spanish)
2006-12-12 10:01:11 · answer #7 · answered by JEAN B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do you know every men hate commitment. If that guy rearly in love with you, he should commit. Trust yourself and try to get him commit to this relationship. If not it never start in more depth into you next relationship with him, husband and wife.
2006-12-12 10:01:34 · answer #8 · answered by melvinsyc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you really like him keep him.If not leave him.there are plenty of guys out there for you.it might take another year for him to get comfortable with you.good luck
2006-12-12 10:03:11 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
one of my buddys folks dated for 9 years before they were married. if you think that he dosnt really love you, then thats that. but if you think that he does, just stay with it and tough it out until he gives you the ring!!
2006-12-12 09:59:30 · answer #10 · answered by GuitarGod3739 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋