So how did you cope with someone being in Iraq or being over there? Men & mature woman only please.?

Question

So what do I do?

I’m so lost. I am totally & completely in love with my boyfriend. I’m use to having a very close relationship with him. He opens up to me & tells me what’s going on, I do the same with him. We have a closeness I rarely see in others. But since he’s left for Iraq…things have just been tough. I can feel him pulling away from me. He was fine for the first couple of months, but since he got to Baghdad. He’s closed up. He won’t talk about himself, he won’t tell me anything that is going on, even what he’s allowed to tell me. His letters have become brief & there is nothing about himself. It’s hey, miss you, love you, how are you? How’s your family? And that’s it, nothing else. His emails are even shorter & more about me sending him so & so bill or he needs this or that & if I could send that to him, that would be wonderful.

I am incredibly hurt. I’m trying to be understanding but my own feelings are getting in the way. When I ask him how he’s doing, he gets really short with me, he says, ‘I’m fine I’ll be fine, we just will never talk about this place.’ I don’t understand. I feel like I need to do something to be useful…I’m at a complete loss, of how to help. He says he’s protecting me from unnecessary worry, but I don’t feel protected in fact the way he’s acting has me worried more then I think I’ve ever been in my life & my imagination is running wild. Like I said my own feelings are getting in the way of my logic, and I’m not thinking very straight right now.

Does anyone have any idea what is going on with him? I’m guessing it’s some kind of self defense mechanism…what can I do to help? Please any advice would be very much appreciated.

Jennifer my dear I'm not whinnying I don't whine, I'm worried sick because of drastic behavioral changes in the man I love. If he was happy & not talking to me for whatever reason then fine BUT HE'S NOT. And I don't know what's going on with him. But don't for an instant think that I don't know what’s going on over there.

So back off woman. And show a little tact, I would think you should know how being that we could be in the same boat.

Thank you Baby Angel you just really helped. That whole I can't talk to you about it because you'll leave me, I've heard that one too. I'm friends with a lot of the other wives/girlfriends from his group & all of their husbands/men are talking to them so I was starting to wonder if I was the only one.

Answer 1

There are some amazing answers above this one. The most important part of the military ( and the most unrecognized) is the family, military spouses especially! The best advice I can give you is try to stay busy and don't focus on that so much. He's dealing with a lot of bad juju on a daily basis and when he calls his lady love he doesnt want to think/talk about. When he comes home parts of it will come out slowly. Be supportiveas much as possible. He knows your there for him. Talk about the little things like movies and what not. Just kinda of based on personal expirence and watching my parents. It's not easy but you can get through it.

Answer 2

I went through the same thing with my husband. It was horrible because I went from having this husband that was so sweet and loving to someone who was like a robot. Even when he was home on leave he seemed to go out of his way to avoid talking to me about anything at all (not just stuff going on there...I didn't ever ask about any of that stuff) Luckily for me I have a very good friend that is a Vietnam vet (3 tours) and I was always able to vent my frustration to him and his wife whose dad had been carreer army as well. My husband knew I was upset because we've known each other so long that I couldn't fully hide it from him so he started talking to the chaplain before he came home to try and get his head straight before he was around me and our kids again. Slowly but surely we've been able to get back to the way we were before he left. But it takes time and you can't rush it. It's been almost a year that my husband has been home and he still will have times that I know it's best to just leave him alone or I get the friend I mentioned earlier to call him and they can talk about stuff. A buddy of his told me that my husband had had nightmares alot while still there and I gathered he'd been one of the screamers. With some of things I know about I'm amazed he doesn't still do that. My advice to you at this point is try to remember that right now he needs to worry about getting home to you and you should just talk to your friends or family and vent your frustration. When he gets home it'll take time for him to start letting you close again so don't expect things to be a whole lot better for a while. Just let him know that if he ever needs to talk that you'll be there for him and leave it at that. If he does talk to you then just listen and remember that no matter how prepared you think youa re to hear what he has to say most of it will still be a shock to you. Hang in there and good luck to you guys!

Answer 3

You have every right to be worried about him. People that have not been through deployments just do not understand. It is a very complicated thing to go through if you are in a relationship. I would be so heartbroken if my husband's behavior changed (he is also deployed), it would make me feel so lost. But I would just suggest giving him space and letting him talk when he wants to talk. Write him a letter every single night, and send it off. He will appreciate the time and effort that you take into doing this. Just give him some time and let him deal with the deployment the way he needs to deal with it. I assure you when he comes back, it will take a while to readjust, but he should be back to normal. And if he's not, he can always go to counseling. Just be supportive and do everything you can to make him feel secure in your relationship.

Answer 4

Calm down girl. Your boyfriend is going through some tough times while he's over there. He's probably seeing things that no one in their right mind would want to see. Between the 24 hour work shifts and the stress it's really hard for him. You just need to be supportive of him. Don't whine that he's not talking to you like he should. (There's a LOT that he is under orders NOT to tell anyone. Some phone lines can be under surveillance so you don't want to give out any personal info.) Don't give him any bad news or anything like that. He has enough to worry about while he's over there without having to worry about you. Keep writing the happy letters and e-mails. They help more then you know. Just keep your chin up and he'll be home soon.

Answer 5

First, my husband does the same thing when he is over there, I have talked to a lot of my friends and their husbands do it too. So there is nothing to worry about, my husband told me that he would never talk to me about what he saw or did over there either but he talks in his sleep and I have heard ALOT more than I really ever wanted to know about, I have asked him a few things about what he has said in his sleep and he just gets this look like if he says anything I will leave so I just leave it alone.

Second, when he gets back he may seem a little distant and that is because he is trying to readjust to being back in the states.

Third, I know my husband loves to hear about what I have been doing even if we don't talk about what he is doing we are still talking. I have heard things that would shock someone to death but I don't ask him because he isn't ready to talk about it.

All I can tell you is just talk to him about what he wants to hear about don't ask too many questions because if he wants you to know he will tell you even if it is years down the road.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Don't be hurt, please. Men in combat usually go through a
period of not talking about themselves. Or what is happening
to them.

The relatives that I have who have been to Iraq have not had that
problem, but my brother-in-law was in Nam, and he did.

He has still not opened up about what happened.

You need to be very, very patient with him.
When he gets back, you need to find a way to coax him out of
himself. Notice I said coax. You can't push, that would cause him to retreat further into himself.

I have to repeat this, DO NOT BE HURT, its not anything to do
with you. It's the nature of the situation.

Remember, he will not want to talk about it at all, but he does need to or it may lead to more serious problems. But do not
push. I can't emphasize this enough, do not push, coax.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and have a nice day.

Thank you very much, while you're up

Answer 8

War does change people. He's possibly witnessed many life-altering events, shock, and the like. Just be patient, and put it up with it for now, and welcome him home warmly when he gets leave, and returns home. Not much can be done over distance, but just stand fast, and bear through it. He's probably as confused as you in the fact of being distant from those who you love... Many of my droogs and mates have shipped off to war, and completly isolated themselves during said time, and opened up when they retired.

Answer 9

it's perfectly normal, actually. men in combat have to turn off their emotions to deal with the harsh realities of war. All you can do is let him know that you will be there for him when and IF he ever wants to talk about it.. and you have to acept the fact that he may never want to.

Answer 10

As long as you don't cheat on him then he should be making him happy. I know oversea's you start to think about all the bad things that could happen to your lover while you are apart. Cheating is one of the most things that come to mind.