My Mom who was my best friend died recently. We'd always been close. When I reached 23, Ive always wanted to be independent so I tried to live on my own, but because of my love for her, I could not do it so when I bought a house, I decided that she lived with me. Two years later, I found my wife and got married. When my wife moved in to my house, the two most important people of my life did not get along. So I decided to find Mom an apartment. This hurt my mom very much and suffered a lot of stress. Then a few months later, she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. She had cancer in the lympnodes about 7 years ago but she'd been healthy after the chemo. But just this year, her cancer went back and got to her brain.
When she died 2 weeks ago, I just could not stop crying thinking I was the reason why she died and I could not forgive myself. I miss my mother so much and it kills me every time I remember her beautiful smile, her hard work and her love. I don't think she deserved me.
2006-12-12 08:31:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Cancer
Wow! Please do not blame yourself at all. That is just your mom's death coming at a very bad time for you emotionally. My mom died 4 years ago after a 5 year battle with cancer herself and she was also my bestfriend and total confidant! You on the other hand at least were able to see her thru the tough times and the good times...I could not as she lived one state over with my stepdad. Please cherish and remember all the good you did have with her. It kills me endlessly that I could not be there for my mom but I know my stepdad was wonderful. She was a brave woman and supported me emotionally with my endless life issues. I did not have that kind of relationship with my Dad and Step-mom when my Mom was alive (she was my lifeline) and there are still times when I miss her advice, voice and caring way but I can now talk to my other parents as I did her and I find comfort in that. Please know that you were deserved by her and she was deserved by you. How you talk about your relationship only brings me fond memories of my mom and I will thank you for that even tho you are hurting now. You are not alone!
2006-12-12 08:44:18 · answer #1 · answered by GOLDIE3769 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What has happened, happened, for no other reason than just that.
My old man died some 25 years ago, after his second heart attack, brought about by smoking. Which he'd started up again (after his first attack) when I'd given him a cigarette. Talk about taking the blame. Took me four years to get over it...and I still sometimes feel the guilt. But...it was his choice to start smoking again. We can blame ourselves from now to eternity, but it won't change things. All we can do is accept what has happened and continue to live.
2006-12-12 08:45:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Guilt over the death of a loved family member is one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself. I'm saying this from experience, been there, done that. Your mothers death, as painful as it is to bear, is unfortunately one of lifes painful experiences we all go thru. No one ever understands the reasons or the time or place. We only understand that someone we love dearly is no longer a physical pressence in our lives. I truly believe that despite the fact that you can't touch or see her, your mom is there with you. You carry her in your heart and memory.
I'm sure that when you moved your mom into an apartment of her own it did hurt her but she also realized as a parent that we all give birth to our children, raise them, love them and we all know that at some point, sooner or later, they will make a life of their own. You did nothing to cause or speed up your mothers death. I don't think she'd want you to think that and or feel guilty about building your own life. From the sounds of it you two were extremely close and she would want you to move on with your life and to be happy.
2006-12-12 12:50:28 · answer #3 · answered by cookiefactory4 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm so sorry for your loss. And now it's Time for some grief counseling, my friend. DO IT. Or the next thing this will morph into is resentment at your wife for "making" you move your mom into her own apartment, which of course is not true.
2006-12-12 08:43:52 · answer #4 · answered by Clycs 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You certainly are not responsible for your Mother's getting cancer as you stated, she had it before. Cancer never goes away and as a family having suffered with the disease, you know the ongoing worry associated with it. You owed your new wife and yourself a fresh start in life and your Mother knew that. We only get one Mom and you should forever cherish the good memories of your lives together. And remember she will never again suffer and that is what's important
2006-12-16 08:01:41 · answer #5 · answered by Rocko Barbella 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
losing someone you loved for so many years and whom you took care of, It is not your fault that your mother got cancer, it is not your fault that she died. there was always a chance of it coming back and there is really nothing you could do about it. your mom loved you alot. and she got depending on you. and when she met your wife, she thought she would lose you. and don't ever say she didn't deserver you. she brought you into this world and gave all her love to you. she would want you to be happy. and deep inside she probably loved your wife and didn't want to admit to it. so stop beating yourself down , you did the best you could. and alot of children wouldn't even think of taking care of their mothers when they get that old. Im going thru it now my mom is 93 years old. its not easy letting go but you have to for your own sake, and do it for your mom, or else it would of been for nothing. best of wishes, and i am truly sorry about the loss of your mother. but shes in your heart forever.
2006-12-12 08:43:40 · answer #6 · answered by misty blue 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How can cancer be your fault? My father passed last month, it will be a while until things are "normal". Try telling your mother how you feel in a obituary or funeral guestbook. If you are a believer, she will get the message and forgive you for whatever you think you did wrong. A mother's love is the strongest thing in the world.
2006-12-12 08:37:26 · answer #7 · answered by bruce m 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are being way too hard on yourself.
Buddy you deserve a life too. Your mom sounds like a wonderful mom, and you a dutiful son.
Life is not perfect. It is a shame your mom passed from cancer and you have all my sympathy. It is not your fault she got sick.
Good luck, and remember she wants you to be happy.
2006-12-12 08:40:35 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You always tried to do right by her. You have survivors guilt but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
2006-12-12 08:40:07 · answer #9 · answered by nursesr4evr 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dude, you are NOT the cause of cancer...
What you ARE doing is looking for a reason to (a) escape reality and (b) dump your wife.
Something has happened at some point that has made you unsatisfied with your wife, but you dont want to admit it. This has in turn manifested itself by merging with your grief for the loss of your mother.
You need both marriage counseling and grief counceling. You need to realize your own mind, and stop fleeing from reality with excuses.
2006-12-12 08:42:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋