How do you know if you are inadvertantly judging someone?

Question

A friend asked me how I felt about certain things in her life, different choices she has recently made. I told her. I explained that I didn't understand some of the decisions she has made, and didn't agree with others, but since I have no authority over her, it was my problem to get over these things. It was my intent, in explaining my answers, to let her know that I was NOT judging her, but trying to understand her decision making process. I was not trying to insinuate that I was secretly judging her actions, but instead was trying to learn from her in case I was ever in a similar situation. My "not understanding" was coming from a lack of knowledge (because I have not had the same experiences as she has), it was NOT just some flipant, judgemental way of shaking my head in disappointment at her, while saying (in a very condesending way), "I just don't understand how you can make this decision".
Now she thinks I've judged her, and judged her harshly. But I don't think I have. Have I?

If in trying NOT to judge someone, you come off sounding like you ARE judging them, how do you fix the situation? She said it will take a long time for her to trust me again. But she won't accept any of my phone calls, or respond to my emails, so it's rather difficult to try to mend the fence. She works two jobs so her free time is very limited and I have no idea when she's at home so I can go over and visit face to face.

To the person who answered second, I'm a woman, not a man. My name is Tonya, not Tony. This is a same gender friendship. However, you are not the first one to think that I was a man.

Answer 1

If your friend is asking you about you feel about her choices, she is asking for your judgement. It sounds like she is unhappy that your judgement of the situation does not match what she wanted to hear.

We always judge any situation or scenario. It's what makes us sentient beings. The only way not to judge something one way or another is to completely ignore it, and refuse any knowledge of the situation.

The trick is to judge a situation, and to put ourselves in the same situation and how we would handle it, and judge a decision from that perspective, rather than judging the person who made the decision.

It sounds to me like you have done the correct thing, and are simply unable to comprehend how you would pick the choices your friend did if you were in the same situation. Rather than trying to explain or justify her choices (if she can), your friend has taken this as a judgement not of her choices, but of her as a person. Which indicates that she has not examined the situation from your perspective.

If anyone is judging the other person, and not the situation, it is her, not you.

Answer 2

I was drawn to your question because i am having this same problem. i think we do judge others way more often than we want to admit. the more experience i have with Jesus, the more i realize that anything other than complete acceptance and Love, complete Forgiveness (even while someone is hammering a nail through your hands) and compassion, is not what God wants from me. Realizing we receive that same amount of Love, we can't be hard on ourselves for we are just learning from the Master and we aren't "there" yet.

People are much more perceptive than we might imagine, and any little inside flinch or thought "whoa, i would never do that!" "what are you thinking?! that's so wrong!" is on some level registered by our friends.

So, we can start by becoming as accepting and forgiving as Jesus ~ and begin at home! Practice with your own self! Realize that the only thing we really know is that we don't know. So we can't judge another's experience or even our own. But we can focus on trying to be more andmore like Jesus. He hung with the prostitutes and saw nothing wrong with it!

Our (my) judgemental energy might stem from the fact that we are actually quite hard on ourselves. That is not what God wants from us. The more i can lighten up on myself and know that i am not expected to be perfect ~ that God loves me just exactly as i am with all my shortcoming and idiotic ideas ~ the more i am that way with others! And people really seem to register that and like being around me much more.

When i get asked for concrete advice like you were, i usually mention that prayer is the best way to go. Our own Soul, which is connected to God, has ALL the answers.

Answer 3

If your mouth is open and your ears are shut, you're probably judging somebody, inadvertantly or deliberately.

More specifically, women often communicate quite differently from men. Women use language to sort through problems, while men use it to announce solutions to problems. When women talk to others about their problems, they are looking for a sympathetic ear to bounce things off of without being judged. When men talk to others about their problems, well...they really don't talk about them, do they? Of course, that's a massive generalization, but it sounds like she just wanted you to listen, not judge. Perhaps your goal was the same thing, but your methods made you sound judgmental.

In the future, instead of saying, "I don't understand how you could have made these choices," say, "Why don't you tell me more about how you made your choices, as it's your opinion that matters more than mine." You'll get the answer you were looking for in the first place, but without making her feel like you disapprove and think she's a horrible person.

In any case, now that you're in the position you're in, there's really no way to get back on track again without you apologizing her for being insensitive and for sounding abrasive. Tell her you don't judge her, that you're her friend and you back her up, tell her that you're "new" at this whole inter-gender communication thing, and ask for her patience. And then next time, remember that the conversation is about her choices, not yours, so you should always angle the response back in such a way that allow her to talk it out in her own way.

Good luck!

Answer 4

In honesty, we judge everyone at every moment. It is a part of human nature and you cannot change that. Whenever you see someone, talk to someone, or even just hear about someone, you form an opinion about that person. The real problems arise when we voice those opinions. Half the problems are caused by how we word our opinions and the other half is how that person takes your opinion. The only thing we can hope is that we don't hurt the ones we care about and we should try to only give those opinions when they are really wanted and needed.

Answer 5

I hear ya...it just hurts peoples feelings when you question their decisions in life. Only becuase maybe they thought they were making the wrong ones too, and you're pointing that out just adds to the regret? It causes conflict, which is uncomfortable regardless. How to mend it? I really dont know you or your friend or how your relationship is. Try and point out some things that you have done in your own life, and ask her if she agrees with them. I can bet you there are some things you've done that she questions. Try to build off of that. Back off for awhile so she doesnt get overwhelmed. Then try. Good luck
:)

Answer 6

I judge people all the time. It's how I know if I want to be their friend. If someone stole a loaf of bread because they were starving, do you judge less harshly than you would the person who stole because they thought it was funny? Just because I might understand their actions doesn't mean I need to agree with them. If a woman said she cheated because her husband was mean, I could understand it, but I would still judge that as wrong.

Answer 7

Giving your opinion and support is not judging anyone.

She is using that as an excuse to discount your opinions and consider that she might be wrong.

Happens all the time, they don't like the message so the messenger must be bad.

All you can do is offer support and Love.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

You need to realize that God made no mistakes.

Everyone that He/She made is made the only way God can make anything, perfect. If they are good enough for God who are we to need to understand or judge anything.

Everyone is on the perfect path for them. We need not understand this path or even like it, it is theirs.

Just tell her you see her as perfect just the way that She is.

Love and blessings Don

Answer 9

I just think you gave your opinion that she asked for. The good news is, all is forgiven with salvation in Christ. It is hard not to judge. When we do we just ask for forgiveness. It is human nature God knows we try hard. Good thing He gave us a safety net in Christ.