He and I have been a couple for about 2 and a half years. We are soulmates and know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We get along wonderfully and no doubt will be able to live happily. The only thing is that last night he told me that he doesn't want children in the future, knowing how important starting a family is to me. This really bothered me because he used to tell me a family of our own would be nice. He is wonderful with kids and would make a great dad, he even told me how wonderful a mother I would be. This not wanting kids came out of nowhere, what do I do, how do I deal with this difference?
2006-12-12 05:20:32 · 12 answers · asked by GrayMatters 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I do not want to find anybody else, should I just wait through to the future when we both have steady jobs...and see how he feels about it then?
2006-12-12 05:23:43 · update #1
he says he just wants to live comfortably and enjoy eachother without having to worry about the life of another person. I halfway understand that but still i'm confused.
2006-12-12 05:35:07 · update #2
I found myself in that very same situation. Now married for 8 years but until this year my husband fought terribly not wanting to have kids. What had to happen for me? I had to really think about why I wanted to have kids. Someone to love and someone to love me unconditionally is what it boiled down to. Then I got to thinking lots of kids go on to not love their parents at all no matter how good the parents had tried to be. So I thought what is it I want from this marriage. Someone to love me and someone I could love unconditionally and receive the same in return. I wanted the same things so I decided wanting love in any way that was positive for me was truly what I wanted not the marriage or the kids. Then I was able to decide if my desire for children was more than my desire for my marriage. I HAD TO DECIDE! You have to decide too or you'll be depressed over this for years. I know first hand. I decided that someday my kids would leave and go on with their lives but if my husband and I could commit to each other no matter what he would still be there when the kids were gone, he would love me in a way kids could never love me and he would care for me in a way kids can not because they are not the caregiver I would be. I decided my desire for him was stronger and the pain went away. It didn't make me not want kids it made me understand myself and my husband and gave me the power of choosing. When the partner does not want kids we feel we've lost power of choosing but that is not the case at all. If once you think it over you decide you want kids more then you have to move on to someone who will want them with you. I had been in lots of relationships, good, ok, bad. I did not want to risk getting into another bad one just to have kids when I knew my husband loved me so much. I had to decide that I could be happy and fulfilled without kids. I had to decide that there were plenty of other ways for us to grow our lives and leave a legacy behind. Whether starting a business together or anything we started or did together. It all became our children in my heart. We still do not have children, but when I made this change in my heart, he changed and decided in his heart he wanted children too. When he decided I decided I wanted him to be happy when we did have children so I work to improve my health and our financial future and our peace of mind so that when it does happen it continues to improve our lives.
His brother's wife decided she wanted kids when he didn't and had been on the pill for years and got off without telling him, withheld sex for 3 months then all of a sudden decided to have sex with him, got pregnant and he divorced her in the hospital the very day she had their daughter. DO NOT USE MANIPULATION.
2006-12-12 05:44:06 · answer #1 · answered by Love to Love 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You and he need to have a SERIOUS conversation about this one, this is a major life decision. If having children is important to you, and something you eventually want in your life, and he absolutely no way doesn't want them, then you have to decide if you want to stay with him and give up the possiblity of ever having children, or leaving him, and finding someone who does want to have children with you. You have to find out if he's talking about not wanting children EVER, or if he just doesn't want them in the next couple of years or so. There's a difference. I can also tell you, from personal experience, that if he says he NEVER wants children (regardless of what he said in the past), then you'll never get him to change that, nor should you try. Then you will have a big decision to make. I can tell you what I would do, I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't want to have children. I have 2 children, and they are the greatest blessing in my life. Any relationship with a man who did not want to share children with me wouldn't have lasted, because I would've eventually resented the fact that I was giving up something I wanted very much for him. But that's me. You might be able to handle giving up the dream of parenthood. If not, then do yourself and him a favor, and move on. Best of luck to you.
2006-12-12 06:02:44 · answer #2 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Studies have shown time and time again that people rarely, if ever, change their minds with it comes to whether they want to have children or not. Some times one partner or the other will "give in" and agree to have children. This is ALWAYS a bad idea.
Talking your partner into have kids is not just a bad idea for him, it a horrible thing to do to the children.
In your question you said he "used to tell me a family of our own would be nice". The BIG question here is, when he told you that was he really saying what the felt or was he just saying that because he thought that was what you wanted to hear?
If you believe he was being honest before then you need to decide if now you think his not wanting kids is just a temporary feeling because of something else going on in his life, or have his feelings about having a family WIITH YOU changed? If his outlook has changed because of something bad going on in his life just be a good partner, support and love him, and then revisit the issue when things are going better for him. If you think he's just second guessing starting a family with you, then you'd probably be much better off, as would any kids you might have, if you either decided to give up the idea of having kids or decided to give up the idea of having kids WITH HIM.
2006-12-12 05:24:16 · answer #3 · answered by ScubaGuy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need to sit this man down and have a serious talk with him. He mentioned that he wanted children previously and now he doesn't want them. Maybe he just doesn't want them with you. I am not saying this to be mean, but you have been with him for over 2 years and all of a sudden he doesn't want a family with you. If you want children then you need to find someone who wants to have them with you. This man is not going to change his mind and may even resent you if you ever do get pregnant with his child. This is a major deal and it takes two people to raise a child. I understand you might love him, but you need to wake up and realize he isn't the same man you thought he was. Good luck.
2006-12-12 05:31:44 · answer #4 · answered by cookie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you want them and if he doesn't, then you will have to move on. My friends daughter went through this, only they married before he told her. She ended up getting pregnant anyway, and now he is in heaven and being over protective of their daughter, as a lot of first time fathers are at first. I think people need to start being honest from the beginning and not wait so long to let their true feelings show. It is like they want you to fall deeply in love with them before they are secure enough to admit what they really want or the type of person they truely are.
2006-12-12 06:06:04 · answer #5 · answered by Fruit Cake Lady 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd ask him about it. Don't fight or get angry (at least try not to) and ask him calmly why he doesn't want children. If you can understand where he is coming from you might be able to work it out.
I would warn you that even though you may be perfect for each other in every other way, having children is one of those majorly important topics that I think a couple has to be 100% together on.
If you both can't compromise then you may have to move on. It's tough, but if you want children and he doesn't then you're going to have to sacrfice one thing... your dream, his dream, or the relationship.
Good luck to you!!
2006-12-12 05:25:57 · answer #6 · answered by amanda w 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, Im no longer a Grandmother or a Mom however my Grandmother has a million baby and My Granddad has 32 Children ( together with his extraordinary other halves ) and approximately somewere over fifty six Grandchildren (adding me lol) and I cant even depend what number of Great-Grandchildren ! Funny factor is, hes no longer even 70 but!
2016-09-03 07:24:21 · answer #7 · answered by darland 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not your soul mate - there is no such thing....there are lots of wonderful people out there who are not self centered or selfish that would love to share their lives with you (and children). DOn't waste time, life is short...
2006-12-12 05:43:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
either you stay or you go....
If you can deal with not having children then stay otherwise you must look for a new man who will want to start a family with you
2006-12-12 05:22:53 · answer #9 · answered by Mike 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know it is difficult, but you in your head must think about that and make decision what YOU want in life.
2006-12-12 05:26:52 · answer #10 · answered by mirka_1412 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋