What do I do when my husband won't disapline his son?

Question

I married a wonderful man 3 years ago and he has a 5 yrold son from his previous mariage.My husband only has his son 2 days out of the week and therefore he feels he does not have to disapline his son, my husbands theory is because he only has his son 2 days out of the week that his time with him should be 'fun time' no disapline needed.Now his son has put holes in the wall of our home, throws his toys when he doesn't get his way, kicks our puppy, throws food at the dinner table, has a mouth on him and is just a terror.I have sat back and watched this for 4 years and I am getting tired of it. I feel if my husband doesn't do something now while he is still able to he will be totally out of control in a few more years.What do I do?The kid's mother doen't disapline him and he is in day care 6 days of the wk (even if he is sick) from 6a to 6p.We fight all the time about his son and when I know he is coming over I find reasons to leave the house.PS I have a 12 yr old son he will disapline

Answer 1

This is a tough one. Your husband needs to realize that his son not only needs dicipline, he wants it. His acting out by punching holes in walls, throwing things and kicking the puppy are signs of how much he wants and needs some guideance. He certainly isn't getting it from his mother so dad is going to have to step up to the plate. Let him know that you will take this under your control if he doesn't. If he has the right to dicipline your 12 y.o. son than by rights you can dicipline his 4 year old.

You are going to have to take the lead in diciplining this little guy. He isn't going to like it at first and will no doubt throw some temper tantrums, but if you don't give into his whining and your husbands this will work. Like training your puppy it is all about consistant correction.

There are ways you can dicipline this child without having to hit or spank him so for the child's sake and the sake of your own sanity do it.

When you see him acting out by throwing his toys simply tell him that since he appears not to care about his toys you will store them away where they will be safe until he decides he is ready to play with them in the way intended.

When you see him kick the puppy take the puppy away and put him in a room away from the boy. Make sure you tell the boy that the puppy doesn't deserve to be hurt just because he [boy] is angry. That anger is not to be taken out on creatures smaller and weaker than him.

If he throws food, do not give him any more. Tell him that since he obviously isn't hungry that he doesn't have to eat right then. He will probably get hungry later, give him food then, but don't let him just eat junk. If he is truely hungry he will eat what you give him.

As for his mouth, just reinforce that polite people don't talk the way he is talking. Remember to lead by example here. Don't let your anger get the best of you and use inappropriate language.

You are going to take some grief from your husband and his son for a while but if you will try to correct his behavior now you will see the change.

Answer 2

Doesn't sound like "fun time" to me. How can he be having any fun if he is acting like that all the time? I think your husband is doing more harm than good, but making him see that may be a pretty touchy situation. I can see why you are unsure what to do. Maybe you should just tell him that you need to talk calmly about it, without fighting, because it affects you too. Maybe make a list of every single "naughty" thing the boy does the next time he is at your home and hand hubby the list. Maybe actually seeing a list of everything will help him to see that is it actually a real problem. Do you think there is an underlying issue with the boy that's causing this behavior? Sounds like he's trying really hard to get someone's attention. Good luck. I hope you can get your husband to pay attention to your concerns, I know you must be really frustrated.

Answer 3

I think it was bad to do this from the begining, nad it was wrong that you accept that too, because all kids need to be discipline no matter if he spend only an hour with mom or dad. Kids CAN NOT do what ever they want that's why there are adults at home to put order and have well behaved kids...
I think you need to talk to your husband and talk about this because as he will grow things will get worst and the only one who will be suffering here is the boy and the probleme between you and your hubby will increase because you are allready tired of this situation and there is no way you can't handle the situation it is up to your husband to do this ... So talk to him to fix this up if not I;m sorry to tell you but either you stay and support that no matter what he says or move on because problems will continue !! GOOD LUCK !!! :)

Answer 4

From revel in, I might endorse: ~ Time out instantly-Say "No hitting" (or anything the habits could also be)do not maintain speakme or looking to negotiate-then stroll away (positioned him someplace risk-free like a percent-n-play). BE CONSISTENT! ~ When he does not throw a have compatibility over whatever that you just feel he traditionally might, or whilst he displays the proper habits, compliment, compliment, and extra compliment! The habits that's rewarded with compliment is absolutely to be repeated. This is a traditional means for infants to communciate that they are frusterated or irritated, and so forth., on account that they are don't seem to be capable to let you know what they are feeling verbally. It might take awhile, however with consistency, he's going to gain knowledge of what is appropriate and what isn't. I suppose for you-I understand how tough it's!

Answer 5

He is not doing the right thing by either his ex or his child... or you for that matter~

You are between a rock and a hard place because it is not now... nor will it EVER be your responsibility to discipline a child that does not belong to you and it is not his to discipline yours either.

That is opening a can of worms you do not want to open! If you don't nip this in the bud now... say bye bye to your marriage~

It is really unbelievable how just because the other parent is attached to a child of a failed union how much resentment and spite that child can hold... That is enough to make any child act out carrying all that weight around because the two parents split rather than be adult and deal with each other. There is a pattern here of avoidence and abuse... maybe not beatings or whatever... but the kind that does more damage.

The kind of man who goes around avoiding things and just giving up is not the optimal choice in a mate... He screwed it up once already, and now it has trickled down into their child...

You Fix this by being the only sane rational party involved and not getting yourself into the already torrent flow of "shitty river..." if you know what I mean? You can be a lifeboat or you can be just another wave beating this child around... You don't have to discipline to correct you know? And he doesn't have to be an anchor around your neck just because he belongs to your competition... Make right what she failed to do... Just do it CAREFULLY, SUBTLY, and intelligently...

It is sometimes hard to see our purpose in the lives of others because we as human beings are so accostomed to folding ourselves into our experiences to such an extreme that we get lost in them and gorw accoustomed to the chaos and the drama involved... See your purpose in this childs life, detach yourself emotionally, set aside all judgement and blame and make yourself a part of the solution, not a part of the problem. Help your husbands son! Not for him, not for his ex wife but because that just may very well be... your purpose in this union. and his purpose in the life of your son as well.

Speak to your husband... or give him so much sh*it about it that he has no choice! DO whatever you do best to make something change!

Answer 6

hold on let me get one thing straight this "man" of your disciplines a 12yr son of yours that not biological his but he wont even discipline a 5yr first of tell him that you better not EVER see him try to discipline your son until he show some backbone and stop being a wuss and discipline his only got darn son. but if the 12yr old is both of yours than explain to him about how much stress it putting you through just knowing that this little monster is coming over and how you feel disrespect when he damages your house and runs his little mouth. not to be mean but if he is such a wonderful man any signs of disrespect for you should be dealt with promptly if he can't step up and be a man than continue leaving and make sure you take your 12yr old if he wants to come that might take your husband mind off thinking your cheating on him but my advice would be to leave him sorry this is coming from a real man point of view

Answer 7

This poor child is an emotional mess. Neither of his parents love him enough to set any boundaries for him so he can grow up to be a responsible adult. Tell that lazy husband of yours that he needs to step up and be a real father. His child doesn't need a buddy right now, he needs a parent. What a crappy father he has! No wonder his first wife and he got divorced. Maybe you should consider the same if he doesn't step up to the plate and grow up. He has responsibilities and he should take them. Quite frankly, I think he should take the child to a therapist and get him some help. He seems in trouble all ready emotionally.

Answer 8

If your husband can not disapline his own son then you should step in and take control! Why would you let a 5 year old kid ruin your relationship??

Answer 9

If he disciplines your 12 year old, then I would definitely put my foot down on his son! I wouldn't and don't tolerate any of this behavior from any child who enters my home. My friends know it and abide by it...if your child isn't going to behave then here are the consequences. And if you are finding reasons to leave the house, then maybe you and your hubby need to talk. There can be fun with discipline! My family does this daily!

Answer 10

I think you need to consider a new relationship. The dad will NEVER discipline his own child because of his desire to be the fun parent and not lose favor compared to mom.

News item: The 5 year old is already totally out of control and is headed towards juvenile delinquency. If you are tired of it now, wait till you are directly disrespected.