1st time dad here, my 4yr old is spoiled rotten by his family. Is it wrong of me to be really strict on him?

Question

Hes not biologically mine but for 2yrs now I have done everything a bio-dad would have gone through. Through the years I feel that he has truley grown to be my son and I love him with all my heart. I want nothing but the best for him. That incluces not being spoiled so much - I know grandparents and aunts and uncles are supposed to spoil him but heres so spoiled that he knows that he is. No one else punishes him or gives him ANY boundries so when I do I look like the bad guy. Now his family sees me as a controlling social outcast. However there is method behind my madness. In turn hes mild mannered, polite (most of the time) well rounded in school, talks alot and is very social. Hes better then an average 4yr old. In addition to all that hes well taken care of. He never gets sick and when he does its only for a day. The secret is soup, juice and rest. Though everyone thinks he a mirical baby that just heals quick.Oh well, whatever. Should I let him be spoiled as everyone wants him 2be?

Answer 1

If the kid turns out rotten, who'll be left to clean up the mess ???

You need to discuss with your partner and agree on the method of discipline and how far to take it.

If you let it continue, you will have a spoilt teenager and eventually a spoilt adult. Is that what the family wants ?

You need to set boundaries and limits while the child is still young in order to set the values and morals for when they are older. Especially when you won't be around to tell them off or make the decisions for them.

Answer 2

It depends on what your defintion of "strict" is. He shouldn't be punished because of the rest of the family. If you want to have a true bond with him I wouldn't set boundaries that are out of the ordinary. Treat him like you would normally treat your own child, but not with extra rules and regulations just because you don't agree with the way the rest of his family is "spoiling" him. Obviously something is going right from their end if he's turning out to be such a good kid.

My daughter is similar. She lives with her grandparents right now while I am going to school. They're pretty well of so she gets just about anything she wants. She has more clothes then I do and I'm a clothes-a-holic. But she's fully aware that she is spoiled, she's even said so. But it doesn't bother me because she's excelling in school (she's in 1st grade and she has a 3rd grade reading level and a 4th grade math level), she's very considerate with other children (she's always the first to try and help a sad friend) and she's very level headed when it comes to right and wrong. So, some circumstances being spoiled isn't a bad thing. It's a lucky thing. Ecspecially since what I've always wanted for her is to have more then I ever did.

Answer 3

How wonderful of you to be rasing the child as hes your own!! There are far to many people who treat step children as baggage. He does need a father figure in his life & from what you describe you are being a great one. Kids are naturally spoiled & they need that discipline in their lives to balance they out. Kids cant be free to run the house. You & his mother are the adults! The adults pay the bills. The adults make the rules. As long as his mother has no issues with you discipilining him, screw what everyone else thinks. Because if he doesnt have that positive male role model he will grow up to be a punk. Im not saying that boys without dad type role models all turn out bad. There are moms who have done both jobs quite well. I think your doing a great job. I seriously doubt all the family member critising you now would be there to bail him out of what ever trouble hes in when he gets older. Keep up your good work, because of you he has a better chance of being a productive member of society.

Answer 4

No! Just like he knows he's spoiled...he also knows what he can and can not get away with. So, cont. to set boundaries. Be long suffering, but let him know that some things aren't tolerated. Believe it or not children WANT boundaries and discipline. Many children are out of control because they "feel out of control". They have not fully grasped the concept of self-control.

Don't be mean or anything but state the rules clearly, in a fun way. And let him know what the consequences are if he fails to comply. Not a whole bunch of rules though..maybe 5 that will sum up all the others. For instance "inside voices" are used inside... "hands and feet to yourself" (don't touch things that aren't yours!), etc. And then remember to be consistent!! Soon your family will notice how well behaved his is with YOU...and follow suit. It may be cute now but when he's 9 or 10....wow... imagine that for a second!

Good luck.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, because you're the stepdad, you have no real right to stop them. You have a choice: walk before you have kids with her (your own kids will suffer the same fate and you will be an outcast), or suffer through the spoiled child syndrome and try, with your ACTIONS, to show him how to be a good man.

Whenever he seems unhappy with a toy he didn't work for, you might help him learn that anything worth having is worth working for. You are the man in the house, and your actions will be the ones guiding him into manhood the most, despite his mother's and mother's family. Show him, don't tell him, and your reward will be that, as he matures, he will reflect your lessons in his life.

You're doing the right thing by teaching him to be a socially responsible adult. The mistakes he makes as a young man will be turned around by the foundation you set today. He will have a solution to turn to when he realizes, unlike many spoiled children who drift and experiment by trial-and-error until they discover it on their own.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, this is really up to Mom. If you and his mother are seriously involved, and you have cared for this boy like your own, you need to discuss discipline ground rules with her. I don't think you should be allowed to hit him or anything, of course- but you should be able to discipline and set a few rules around the house. My daughter was two months old when I met my husband. He's been the only dad she's ever known and he helps in the discipline of her. I'm sure you only have this boy's best interest at heart, but there's nothing you can do in this situation unless his mom ok's it. If she won't let you treat him as if he were your own son, I'd move along. You don't want to spend your life as a servant to the two of them if she's not going to let you have any say.

Answer 7

I don't think anyone should be really strict, but I think a baby needs all types of care (cuddly from mommy, rough play from dad, spoiled by grandma, etc.). Make sure you are also spending time giving him loves and hugs and kisses. Make sure if the relatives say anything you tell them (politely) you want him to hve the best in life and in order for that to happen he needs boundaries. Make sure you let him "cut loose" once in a while (maybe at grandma's so she can see it) or he will rebel later.

Answer 8

Well, He is spoiled, but you are in the "right" to set some boundaries for him. You don't have a lot of control on what others are going to do, but you and the kids mom can work together to stop alot of the spoiling. I have a 4 year old girl, and she is also spoiled, but has boundaries,etc.

Answer 9

I strongly believe that a child should have boundaries. It is ok, to love your child and want the best for him. However, it is our duty as parents to prepare our child for the "real world!" And, in the real world, we can't have everything we want! We can't get "something" for "nothing!" So, as long as his family is not putting that illusion in his head... then I don't think you have anything to worry about. From your description of him, he seems like the perfect little 4 yr old!!! (smile!)

Answer 10

Let him be spoiled but don't lose touch with the way you want him raised it seems like you are doing an excellent job with him and he is a good kid so let him be spolied as long as he learns the important thinkgs that you teach him.