need opinions on a family problem?

Question

my sister in law has raised her granson from baby, as mother could not be bothered and dad too young. the dad has been in boys life all along and now has a house and another baby, his son stays every weekend, mother still being a tart. now the father has asked if he can take on his son full time and become a family. as son is only 4yrs he is to young to make this decision so my sister who has court custody is torn, to have to decide. it will break her heart to lose him but is it right he should be with his dad and step sister.

Answer 1

This is a very tough decision. I come from what can only be described as a broken home myself and spent 4 years in foster care.

As custodian of the boy, it is your sister who must decide what is best for him. This is a very difficult one, as you have to put your emotions aside when making a decision like this. But can the father really make a go of it? It's not a case of try it and see when a child's welfare is involved. It would devastate the boy if the father did not cope and he was uprooted again to go back to your sister.

To know your father is often enough when he is not around. Kids need male role models but I don't believe that children need to live with their parents if that isn't going to be the best thing. My relationship with my mother improved tremendously when I moved out!

If it were me, and of course it isn't, but I would not let the boy go. I would of course encourage his father to be involved, and maybe stay the weekend sometimes and have nice days out, and then review the situation in a couple of years. If he isn't there already he will start school soon and he will need stability and support. Dad may prove himself to be a totally reformed character, in which case the decision can be made whn the boy is a little older. But he will have to realise he can't just have him back when he wants him, when it is convenient. That's what I'd do.

Answer 2

I feel for your sister-in-law , she must be the closest thing to a mother the little boy has had since he was born. The father has all the right in the world to take his son to live with him , his son knows him and if they don't treat him badly there should not be a problem. It is your poor sister-in-law who is going to be left feeling empty and lost without the little boy. But it is just right that he moves to his Dad's house. They can always make a deal and the little boy can stay with her during weekends. I hope all ends well for you and your family:))

Answer 3

The biggest influence in a childs life is the same sex parent. If this dad is showing that he cares enough to take on the job full time, then he should. The Grandmother will still be able to have visits, as well as the mom. Its the childs welfare and best interest that is most important not the feelings of the adults involved. He just needs to know that all of his family loves him. He definately needs to have a strong father figure in his life.

Answer 4

I think a child should be with their parents, Does the boy call your sister-in-law by her name or does he call her mommy and your brother daddy? Honestly the biological father should not try for full custody as I see it's in the best interest for the boy to stay with the only people that have raised him and he knows as parents. If the father does try for custody, the court would favor more in your sister-in-law.

Answer 5

Well seen as how the father has been in the childs life all his life it shows that he was always willing but fairplay he admited he wasnt ready. now he is. i would say why not do a trial run of like a role reversal let the father have his son every week and maybe your sister in law could take him one or 2 nights at the w/end or something. after all he is the childs father and not many would be willing to offer what he is. i hope it all works out.

Answer 6

If you really want to salvage your relationship with your uncle then find somewhere else to go. The best thing in a situation like this is space so that the injured party has time to cool off. But I think that you were right not to give more than what you already do because of how much you give him for rent. It sounds like he is just a money hungry tyrant. Just go somewhere esle until your new place is finished and sooner or later things will be better between you two. Don't worry so much besides you are family and blood is thicker than water ( or in this case money).

Answer 7

I wish I could just say he should just stay with your sister but the right thing to do is for her to let the dad raise him. He is young enough not to be so confused to what is going on. He might be very upset when he get older to find out that your sis is not really his mom and the dad didn't raise him. I am sure that your sister can still visit. It will all work out.

Answer 8

Might be good to do this on a trial basis -- say for a month, and see how it goes. She still has court custody so if it's not working out she can take him back. Also, making it a trial means that if the dad feels it's not working out well he has an out too. You didn't mention a stepmom but she may find it a lot to cope with along with her daughter.

Also, presenting it to the child as "something we are going to try for next month" also makes it not such a big separation from his grandma.

I'd recommend that he continue to spend at least one day a week with grandma to make it easier for both grandma and the kid and to ensure that that relationship remains strong.

Answer 9

If your brother takes it through to court which is a very slow process 2/3 years the child would be over 6,she may have court permission now but it may all change in years to come,then the pain of the child going, is going to be far greater,try coming to some sort of compromise that suits both,or try mediation vie your solicitors

Answer 10

I was in a similiar situation not too long ago, I know how difficult it can be to let go of someone you love so profoundly especially a child but the most important thing to do is evaluate the situation and think of what is ultimately going to be the best for the child. Your sister in law should use her love as strength for this child and seeing the child happy will bring her happiness.