Should couples be married before they have children?

Question

If so, why? If not, why not?
Do you think the country you live in has an influence on your opinion?
I'm really just interested in what people think - not judging one way or the other.

Answer 1

When I found out I was pregnant my boyfriend immediately offered to marry me. Surprisingly I said no. I've always wanted to get married eventually, and definitely only to him, but somehow getting married just because I was pregnant did not appeal to me, and it made me feel like we would be publicly acknowledging that we felt our situation was 'sordid'.

Currently we are not engaged, but we do have an 'agreement'. We *will* get married in a few years, but it's not necessary. We do not have the disposable income right this second to spend on a wedding we want (and we don't want anything huge, just nice), and we'd rather spend what money we will have between now and the baby's birth on getting a flat and all the things the baby will need.

I have always been positive about marriage - my parents have been happily married for 32 years. However, my boyfriend is ambivalent - he wants to marry me and we know we would work well together at keeping the relationship the best possible, but his parents split when he was 4, despite them being married, his Dad in the military etc. His Dad had an affair then left the country! So my boyfriend has never had a father figure. He's grown up to be a lovely person, just a little troubled and resentful of fathers (and men in general). So it was a shock when he said he wanted us to get married!

I think that a loving relationship is far more important than getting married. My Mum didn't even want children for many years but her and my Dad were so in love they got married anyway. Marriage is not there just to have children, likewise, it does not protect children against parents splitting up, my boyfriend is proof of the damage that unhappy marriages do.

For that reason, the minute I found out I was pregnant, getting married was no longer a priority - all I want is that we raise our child in a happy, healthy and loving environment. I know my boyfriend won't leave me even though we're not married or engaged, but if it were to happen, we're no more at risk of it than a married couple. A ring does not provide immunity from the bad things in life, and it does not mean 'happy ever after'.

Besides, how wonderful will it be to have our son or daughter take part in celebrating our wedding with us?! :)

I'm an agnostic from the UK, brought up in an agnostic/athiest family and my boyfriend is an athiest. I'm not sure what the current attitude is in the UK really, but I'm from a middle class family with a strong orientation towards career and education. My parents have always been of the "whatever makes you happy" variety and if that means I never get married and just have a long term partner then they're happy. Likewise they would have understood if I'd never wanted children as my Mum didn't originally. I know for a fact that my Nan was born before her parents were married, but they were going to get married anyway so went ahead with it. My Nan's sister on the other hand, had an abortion during WW2 as she discovered her beau, a US serviceman, was married, and wouldn't have supported her. My cousin got his girlfriend pregnant just before they split (he didn't know she was pg) and tried to make a go of it, but she is mentally ill and abuses him, he is taking her to court over his son's welfare. My boyfriend's Mum, having had her fingers burnt twice with violent and unfaithful husbands also believes marriage is not necessary, although I think she holds this belief more for self-preservation reasons. I think as there is less of a focus on religion and a more relaxed "que serra, serra" attitude here I have not encountered any prejudice whatsoever, and no one has said my boyfriend and I should get married just because I'm pregnant, which makes me feel very confident about society here.

Answer 2

I do believe that a couple will have to be married earlier than having kids simply to be certain that the couple does have the same lengthy-term thoughts, ideas, and targets. And expectantly they agree on the best way kids should be raised. If a girl falls pregnant, I do not belive a pair will have to rush to be married. The "sin" is already completed, so what's the factor in seeking to look just right now. Alternatively of speeding into a wedding with a person you don't know has the identical thoughts or ambitions might very well lead to divorce sooner or later, which can be terribly devasting to a youngster. If, in time, the couple decides that matters are the best way they need, then of course marry, and with a bit of luck all works out, but a child shouldn't be constantly enough to keep a marriage collectively.

Answer 3

Yes, I believe that a child's parents should have a happy marriage when having a child. But there are a lot of loopholes in that statement - the first one being "happy". No couple should stay together "for the children", kids know when things are not right and will be more emotionally stable with one happy parent than with two miserable ones. If a child is conceived on a random fling and the people involved can't stand each other - they should not get married. No matter what a child should have positive influences of both genders around them, be it a mother and father, mother and mother with an uncle giving a male influence, father and father with an extended family and godmother, a single mom with a grandfather's hugs etc etc etc. Marriage gives stability, so I do think it is best - it lets the kids have a sense of permanence - but what is really best is whatever makes a happy and healthy child.

Answer 4

Having been in both shoes I can say for certain it is much easier to be married and have children than try and do it alone.

Granted a wedding ring is no promise of a rosy future and divorce happens, but I find a two parent family is the best option. My oldest son's father and I were never married and I really struggled with trying to work, go to college full time and take care of him. I wouldn't have been able to do it without my parent's support.

I got married about 4 years ago and we have two children together, and I can't even begin to tell about the differences. I was able to take time off work with the two youngest and take of them, and even now that I'm back to work the day-to-day life of a family is easier with two adults. I don't have to worry about making dinner when I get home at 6:30 every night, my husband gets home at 4 and does it, ect.

I don't think being American really influenced my thinking, it's just experience.

Answer 5

Yes, I do think they should be married. Because being a parent is such hard work, I think you should get your priorities right - sort your own life out first before you have the child.
Many people say "it's only a piece of paper" and this is true. But it is a legal piece of paper designed to protect the child. I live in an area where there are lots of single mothers. I feel so sorry for them - I was once one, too.
A child isn't for Christmas - it's for life. And it needs two people committed to each other and to their marriage to deal with teenage tantrums.
Why do people always say things like: It's better having parents who live together than two married people who hate each other? You can be married and love each other, you know!

Answer 6

I personally think they should. However, I will not judge others who choose to have families when they aren't married. I personally think that if you can't make the commitment of being married, then you have no business starting a family. I feel it is irresponsible. But I realize that my opinion isn't the only one and just because I believe something to be right doesn't mean everyone agrees with me. I live in the US. I don't know if that has an influence on my opinion or not.

Answer 7

If I look back on my parents generation having babies when you was married was a great idea. However these days it seems many couples dont stay married for long.

So i have to agree with both sides. If your in a married life and your both happy and content with eachother...go for it. If you seperate at a later date, you wont be alone.

If your not married but your boyfriend is standing by you and giving you all the support you need then this is great too. Least id you two dont work out, i guess you havent gota the extra pressures of going through a divorce and worrying about the other filing for full custody of the child.

This cant be good for a child either. One week with daddy, another with mummy.

I agree to both, which ever works out best for that couple

Answer 8

I believe that a stable, two parent relationship is best for a child. A child needs to see how adults communicate on a daily basis and how couples work through problems. Now, I say that I feel it is the best but not the only good choice. Marriage is not the only option for children to see this. They learn this from parents who are not married to each other or even from divorced parents who communicate well and respect each other. They can learn this cooperation from same-sex couples who are raising children together or even from single parents who have important family members or friends in their lives.
To me, the important thing is to make sure children have enough exposure to people of both genders to see how they interact and cooperate with one another.
I don't know if the country I live in (USA) has anything to do with my opinion. I am a highly tolerant person to the different choices of others and I do believe that varies from region to region (MA).
My personal choice was marriage first - that was what was best for me.

Answer 9

I think every couple is different. Religion has a lot to do with it. Many people don't believe in living together before they get married. But then look at gay couples, who in many states are not "allowed" to get married legally (which is a bunch of bull s***), and they have children. You could say the country you live in affects it because there are different religions and customs in every country.

I don't think you have to be married to love and raise a family. I know unmarried couples who have been together for years and have kids. My parents had my brother before they got married and everything worked out for them. It's a case by case situation and a personal choice the couple has to make for themselves.

Answer 10

for me personally it was important to be married before having kids. We were married 4 years when we started trying.

I think that marriage is important because it is different then living together (which we did). There is something more permanent about it. The knowledge that we chose each other forever no matter what.

I think that being in a committed relationship is the most important part though, and if the couple isn't married and has kids that they have made provisions that the child is taken care of. (things we take for granted in a marriage).

I do think that where you live *can* affect your opinion.