so now what?

Question

My borderline friend is sucking the life out of me, i don't know how i can keep going. it hurts so deeply. it hurts knowing how much pain she is and not being able to do anything to take her pain away for her. her lies, accusations and anger hurt. The constant bitterness and resentment she has toward me for trying to help. But mostly the blame. i am falling apart i feel like i'm on the edge and soon i'll fall. She is sucking the life out of me. I love her so much but i'm falling. i don't want to walk away from her, yes i have thought about it, it would be so much easier, but i don't want to and more than that i can't abandon her i care about her too much to just walk away. I'm already seeing a counsellor, though i don't know if it's doing much. I am still feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted. I feel helpess and depressed. Please tell me what i can to. i can't walk away from her and counselling isn't working for me. help

Answer 1

You can't walk away YET...but if things don't change, and she refuses your help and anyone Else's, you might just find that you will have to walk away...it is really hard dealing with the mental illness of some people, which is why they have support groups...It is so sad,...because she is so messed up and you probably feel pity for her past life, which has probably contributed to many of her problems...so the best I can offer you is this...pray on it all the time, .....pray for her to get well,...Pray for the Lord to open her eyes...and be the sane, stable person you have always been...but if it does come to the time that you have to just not take it any more, you have to go , so it doesn't make YOU crazy just trying to deal with it...she could co-operate, and I sometimes think that we as caregivers have to eventually get to the point where we make them make that choice, by not being there all the time...God bless you for caring so much..

Answer 2

Hi..you call her a borderline friend..what would you do for a real one? You are one rare person who can truly put themselves in anothers place.I also think that by doing this you expect them to react as you would.This is not realistic.Everyone reacts differently to situations..bad or good.Your continued support may be just what she needs to keep going in this way.She knows you being there is unwavering and it gives her a path to follow that includes a "partner." If you really want to help her you should tell her your situation and the way you feel.Tell her you care for her but her actions are hurting you too.Tell her things have to change or your out.Be sincere cause it will be tough..but sometimes to help you have to let them fall.You can't do this to yourself.Life is short.

Answer 3

Borderline Personality Disorder has been considered a real illness for a very long time now. There is plenty of info on the internet about it and about how to help people who have it...

I was diagnosed with this condition a long time ago and although I do not subscribe to it being a mental illness it is a real condition and is often caused by a lack of parenting or appropriate role modelling and other factors too....

Here is what I do for myself to help keep me on an even keel... it doesnt work perffectly but it sure helps heaps.. offer this to your friend and leave it with her to do this for herself... it is important that she does this for herself and that you do not nag or try to make her do it...

I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and stress....

I can not take any of the medicines that doctors prescribe for these conditions they tend to make me worse... so I have had to do the following to keep myself on an even keel...

Find a good counsellor attend sessions weekly for three months... take a break then do it again... repeat as long as is required..

Exercise: This is not the 101 situps ten mile run kind of exercise..... Just simple exercise like walking swimming or cycling for at least 20 minutes each day... do this very day... do not push yourself too hard at first walk powerfully enough to start tofeel your heart working and then slow dow a bit then build it up again..Do not hurt yourself or push yourself too hard or fast...be kind to yourself even if it takes you a year before you can exercise steadily for 20 minutes that doesnt matter it is just important that you do this daily and do it with gentleness towards yourself.

Eat fresh foods as much as possible. include grains fruit and vegetables in every meal... be creative when preparing meals and use a lot of colourful foods to make eating a true pleasure. Prepare and eat your food while listening to some pleasant music. Make eating a wonderful gift to yourself.

Drink more water: Water flushes toxins out of your system drink lots of water...

Take up a creative pursuit: this can be gardening (nothing fancy here stick a geranium cutting in some dirt and add water) drawing ( a pencil and paper and away you go) music make music with whatever you have, paint, write anything that gets the creative energy flowing,

Learn to pray, meditate and or contemplate.... there is lots of info on the net about prayer and meditation and contemplation means just being quiet with yourself... noticing little things, allowing your mind to gently explore things..

Join an interest group... real time gatherings are best rather than net groups... spending time with other people who have a common interest is an easier way of being with people as the focus is not on you or them but rather on the topic at hand, there are interest groups for many different kinds of interests, lapidary groups (gemstones rocks etc), writers groups, local history groups, motor cycle clubs, land regeneration groups, photography groups, parenting groups, walking groups (bush walking, power walking), pet care groups, charitable groups and organisations. Find a group that you share an iterest with and get involved.

Listen to music that you enjoy and explore a whole range of music like indigenous music from various countries, classical music, opera, rock, blues, listen to many kinds of music and build your cd collection.

Spend time sitting on the ground leaning against a big old tree.. feel the earth supporting your weight, notice how the tree supports your spine allow yourself to feel safe and supported by the universe.

Spend time outdoors in the sunshine and fresh air... the sun interacts wit your body to create some happy chemicals in your body. The fresh air allows your lungs to breathe in and circulate more oxygen.

Laugh! Get some comedy cds or dvds or go out to comedy shows and funny movies. Buy a good joke book and read it. Learn a new joke each week and share the joke with others. Spend time allowig yourself to build up to a good belly laugh. Hang out with people who are funny.

Keep a daily journal. You dont need to record everything. Just record some of your activities, thoughts and ideas for each day.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF
There is no point in being hard on yourself, being negative about yourself, putting youself down.... trust me there are enough people on the planet who will do that for you so don't you do it too.... Instead find the good things about yourself and remind yourself about all of the good things about you.. When you think of good things about yourself record them in your journal...

You can of course combine several of these things.... be outdoors with a group of people that are exercising and you will achieve several of these points in one go... So don't fret about this list seeming long... just introcude one or two of these things to your daily/weekly routine at a time and get used to doing it... don't make it too hard on yourself it is more important that you do these things than how well you do them... just add one and get used to it then add another...

Best of Luck with it all and I am sure you will find a way that suits you..