My fiancee and I are in a long distance relationship and these past 4 months have really put a strain on our relationship because we haven't been able to see each other as often as we would like. Well; lately my fiancee has been pushing getting married-and wants to do it secretly Christmas-and then just have the ceremony in front of family members in June. I just don't see what difference getting married now or later will make-since we will still be maintaining separate households until I can sell my home, quit my job and relocate to his home next June. Having a piece of paper saying we're married-doesn't close the distance gap-so it doesn't solve anything. Furthermore-I did this in my first marriage (married secretly in Vegas) and it devastated my family. I have no desire to deceive them in the same way again- and want to do it the right way this time. My fiance knows how I feel-but is madly in love with me and wants to marry me NOW. Should I give in?
2006-12-11 05:40:14 · 20 answers · asked by BabyDoll1968 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
He has suggested getting married and living together now (Thursdays-Sundays) until I can make the permanent move in June (he lives 4 hrs away). I don't believe his motives are financial-because he has a 7-figure income. I'm just not really sure where he's coming from with this- and why he wants to rush it.
2006-12-11 06:42:25 · update #1
There should be nothing even slightly resembling "giving in" when it comes to marriage. There is nothing wrong with compromise--and it is absolutely necessary for a successful marriage, but don't give in on something you feel strongly about. Ask you fiance why they want to move up the actual nuptials since it won't make any difference on the things that are causing the strain in the first place. Being "madly in love" is a requirement for me to even get engaged...so I don't see the reason it should move up an already planned wedding that you are so looking forward to. Maybe instead of getting married this Christmas, you guys can do a private commitment ceremony and write some vows for each other and exchange them on Christmas morning--this is the most spectacular gift I can think to give someone. Also, you need to look into why the sudden urgency. I would suspect/investigate financial or tax implications as to the reason for the sudden push. There is nothing wrong with trying to protect yourself financially...but be sure and look out.
2006-12-11 06:17:48 · answer #1 · answered by Heather 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should give in on this. I completely agree that a piece of paper isn't going to change the distance. Just stay together and wait until things are smooth enough in your life to get married the right way, with your loved ones there to celebrate with you.
Why would anyone ever want to get married in secret? A marriage is a wonderful, blessed thing, and shouldn't be hushed up or pushed under the rug.
2006-12-12 08:14:18 · answer #2 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey Baby Doll.
Well I think you have already answered your own question. If you have to ask the question in the first place I would suggest that you know that a "secret" marriage is not a good idea.
I look at your choice of words in your question. Words such as "pushing", "secretly", "devastated" and "decieve". These do not strike me as open, honest, healthy words that one might use when talking about an up-coming marriage.
You have tried the elopement route before and know what that did to your family. What do you suppose a "secret" marraige might do to his family? While the two of you will be joining together you do not do that in isolation. Both families are invovled in your new marriage, and lives, as are your other friends. Leaving them out of this kind of celebraton rarely goes over too well. They want the chance to celebreate with you.
So, to the answer. I would suggest and you and he have a very honest talk. If he truely loves you, he will understand that to mean not asking you to do something that you feel strongly against. Assuming he is a mature adult, he should be able to set aside his desire to get married so fast, and give the two of you time to plan for the future. If he is in such a rush to marry you "secretly" I wonder if he has ulterior motives. Do you want to be with a man who seems to give such little consideration to the work it will take on your part to move your life to be with him? Any insecurities he may be showing are not going to healed through a quick, secret marriage. Long distance relationships are tough because they do not allow a couple to spend enough time together to really get to know each other and talk about the life issues that are important before deciding to marry or not. Perhaps he would consider moving to be closer to you so you can be together more. I would suggest you move slowly and cautiously here. I imagine you want this marriage to last.
Every best wish to a happy solution to your problem. Take care.
2006-12-11 06:22:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't sound like getting married now is the answer...especially if you've already done it once and your family was crushed. If your fiance does want to marry early, why not do it with the parents instead of just the two of you? Then have the larger ceremony and reception for all of your family and friends in June...
It definitely sounds like you both need to do some soul searching and try to see each other more often. I know that it might be hard, but you both need to make the effort to bridge the gap before it is too late.
2006-12-11 09:40:42 · answer #4 · answered by VAWeddingSpecialist 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Funny thing is my fiancee wants to do the same thing. The only difference is that my fiancee is in the army and he is over in Iraq. If I got married to him on his Mid-tour leave and get married to him he would make more money. I would also get paid too.
Anyways, I good friend of mind told me that you should wait until your 110% sure that this is the guy you want. She has been dating her BF for about 6 years and has a child with him and she is not married. Marriage won't feel the distance gap.
So the desicion is up to you. Either way you go it won't be the end of the world. You should do what you feel is best and not what he thinks.
2006-12-13 11:11:47 · answer #5 · answered by Michiko 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait.My husband and i were together for nine years before we got married so i'm sure you can hang on another six months.
If you can't move in with him until then,then it'll make it more special starting your married life together,it's not exactly the best start,living apart is it?
The strain might prove too much and you may split up in that time and it would be better if you weren't married.
2006-12-11 06:06:12 · answer #6 · answered by Del's wife 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lol How can you ask for a serious answer with a question that is definitely not serious? Anyways, if you can afford it, hire a wedding planner. Set a date and go from there. You need a place to have the wedding, a dress, flowers, invitations, a wedding registry so people can buy you gifts. You should tell people that your fiance loves cat nip. I think that he will appreciate that.
2016-03-13 05:45:20 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It may be the season, it may be because he misses you lots, or it may be that he is feeling a little insecure about the relationship with all the time spent apart. At this point, his feelings and needs should come before your families of course - but there may be other options such as moving up the wedding, or working on spending more time together like you would be if you were married.
2006-12-11 10:31:52 · answer #8 · answered by Chrys 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you both want to be married why do you have to wait, just move the date up. A small intimate Christmas wedding would be wonderful. Or even a New Years ceremony. You still have a few weeks to plan.
2006-12-11 06:14:04 · answer #9 · answered by Michelle M 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He probably just misses you. I was in a long distance relationship before and I know how tough it can be on both people involved.
If you do give in, make sure you don't tell your family (so they are not devestated again) and have a larger wedding in June.
2006-12-11 08:59:14 · answer #10 · answered by Galoshes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋