A close male friend has been told by doctor he is suffering from depression and stress . . .?

Question

I know he wants my support and usually I am good at this but this one is difficult. He doesnt have a stressful job and I cant understand why he is feeling depressed. He asks my advice and when I offer it he says I'm not helping. I just dont know what to say to him any more. I cant tell him what he wants to hear because I honestly think he needs a good shake (sorry - I know many of you will be angry with me but its how I feel). I cant help him - he will do nothing to help himself. I just listen and let him get things off his chest but have to bite my lip as I feel if he had my life then he would have a reason to feel stressed. I know I'm not helping him so what should I do - distance myself from him and let him sort his life out, should I keep in regular contact or should I just lend an ear when he wants to talk to me? He's normally such a cheerful person its hard to think of him being down - I've heard that it's these men who are most likely to attempt suicide - HELP !!!

Answer 1

Not an easy situation to deal with. Don't put yourself down: you ARE already doing a lot just by listening and letting him express himself.
He is seeing his doctor, so don't worry too much about him committing suicide: he knows he has a mental health problem and he's doing something about it. Isn't he?
All you can do is be there for him, perhaps make sure he is keeping in touch with his doctor, taking his medication if he has been prescribed it...
It takes a long time to get ill that way and it takes a long time to get well too, so be strong. Good luck to you both.

Answer 2

A true friend would be supportive and be there to listen if their friend needed someone to talk to. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and sometimes just having a friend by your side is all one needs. You don't need to say anything or do anything, just let your friend know that you are there for him, if he ever needs to talk or someone to listen to him, or just to have a friend to sit with. If you believe that he is suicidal at any time than you need to get him help, call the police or whatever you have to. If he has seen his doctor, I am sure his doctor has suggested medications. You could suggest counselling that does help some people. The most important thing is to let him know that you will always be there for him as a friend. A true friend doesn't ditch out on a friend because of depression. I can't believe that if you are truly a good friend, you would even consider distancing yourself from him. Perhaps it would benefit you if you read up on depression and the signs and symptoms of depression, you might better understand your friend. I pray your friend gets better and that your a true friend to him.

Answer 3

Depression can hit anyone, anytime, and it consists of negative thought patterns that repeat themselves, over and over again, in the same ways. "If this, then this; then this, then this; then this, then this..." etc, etc. One therapist described it as a toy slot car track where the cars run the same track over and over again.

A good shake won't help anything. He needs to :

1. Get a complete physical. If he is doing drugs, alcohol, or taking an Rx, these may be causing depression and need to be discontinued.

2. Work out daily; start out with a walk around the block, then a couple blocks, then further and further. Pumping iron and a good cardio is helpful. (Get him a workout cd and tell him to keep track of each daily exercise, the time used, and let you know how its going at the end of the week. )

3. See a talking doctor first; a counselor who can help him reframe his thinking. Usually there's an unresolved issued there.

4. Go for antidepressants if all else fails.

Answer 4

OK if not on meds even a god shake wont help next turn things into questions where you are not answering like for example i don't know why i feel this way instead of saying you are depressed say what way do you feel at least that helps me cause i am helping answer instead of someone answering for me next you are human take a break otherwise you will get angry go take some space and come back and try again but don't give up

Answer 5

If he is truely your friend you will be supportive whether is happy or sad. depression can be a difficult thing for men espesially because they rarely seek help for fear of showing weakness. Actual stats show this. Look it up be a friend or not but dont act like your life is more stressful, you dont walk in his shoes everyone deals with stress in a different way, doesnt make you better than anyone else, and yes stats show men are more likely to commit suicide when suffering from depression, we dont know what tomorrow brings so be a friend if thats what you truely are

Answer 6

Don't let it take over YOUR life because people like that can bring you down, but at the same time don't ditch him. Maybe convince him to go to some self help groups or something, I would use meds as a last resort because even the term anti depressants sounds depressing! and usually people on those just don't even try to be cheerful, because they expect the meds to do everything. Good luck!

Answer 7

Depression is sometimes dep rooted from childhood, so it sometimes has nothing to do with what's going on in your life.
I think you should listen to him & really see what it is he's trying to say. Then tell him, i am your friend & Ithus I feel i can tell you the truth & this is how i feel. If I told you a lie I wouldn't be your friend & also tell him you could be wrong but it's how u see things. tell him look at all the people who have no bed to sleep in at nights, have no food, have incurable illnesses, we are so lucky we have so much to be grateful for.
Sorry I don't know the whole story So I can't judge but some of us (myself included) have a habit of whinging & complaining (instead of being grateful) & it really is a habit. But it can be changed.
the only other thing I can suggest which helped me with my depression was having healing. Ask him if he wants to try it & perhaps take him to see one,
You can find one nearest centre to you from this site:

http://www.nfsh.org.uk/component/option,com_wrapper/Itemid,70/

They work on donations only & are very kind & gentle. It will help him but he has to go regularly.

Answer 8

It is really frustrating and difficult to support a depressed person when it feels as if it's getting nowhere. I think that just be being there for him you ARE being supportive. You are right about men being at a higher risk of suicide and it is really important for his safety that he feels able to tell someone how he is feeling without being judged. My suggestion would be to keep in very regular contact and not wait for him to come to you. When a person is very low with depression it can literally be too difficult for them to lift the phone and initiate contact. It is this apathy and loss of motivation that also makes a depressed person seem defeatist, often rejecting suggestions that seem perfectly sensible. Feelings of guilt about 'bothering' their friends with their problems are also common. You don't have to listen to hours of negative stuff every time you make contact. Make it clear sometimes that you're just 'checking in' with him for five or ten minutes, and save the longer sessions for when you feel able to listen.

Don't forget that different things are stressful for different people in different ways. Also that, however well you know him, your friend may be carrying burdens that he hasn't been able to tell you about. And sometimes depression 'just happens' when brain chemicals go out of kilter, especially at this time of year.

Having said that, it sounds like you have a busy life too. You can only support someone to the extent that you are able.


If your friend is getting support from the doctor in the form of mediacation, it may be that his motivation starts to improve in a few weeks and he may then feel better able to take up some of your suggestions. I suspect that at the moment everything is just too much of an effort for him. You should be aware though, that it is sometimes when people begin to get better that their risk of suicide is highest. This is because, paradoxically, when they're at their lowest ebb, while they may have suicidial thoughts, they often lack the energy and motivation to plan and carry out suicide. So please don't reduce your contact with your friend as soon as he starts to seem better.

Answer 9

There is always something that is on people's mind that is bothering them to an extent that put them in this situation, you should sit with your friend and try to talk to him and find out what is bothering him so much, try talking with the person let them know that there is nothing in the world worthwhile in these times to let them give up on life, no matter what it is life is more important, if where they are the world does'nt look green then move away to some where different and see a new look on life,good luck.

Answer 10

I agree with you. So, what you need to do.......is distance yourself from him. He is addicted to his misery--I'm serious. It' happens a LOT. Depression, stress.....people want sympathy and to be told that what they are feeling is normal. When it goes on and on for a long time....I want to shake someone, too. Tell him, if he won't get the help that his doctor suggests, that you will have to back away from him. For your own sanity. Believe me---depression and negative thoughts are CONTAGIOUS. Before you know it, you'll be depressed, too.

As far as suicide......don't even think that. If he were to do it----it would NOT be because of anything you did (or didn't do) and you just don't have that kind of power over anyone. None of us do. So don't think that you can keep him from doing that--you can't. He's not much a a friend to put you into this kind of situation. Back away from him until he gets his head out of his butt.