Let me start by saying I am a devoted father who would do anything for family, I have 4 children living with me now and am having problems with my 14 yr old, she has a very bad attitude towards siblings and mom, for some reason she does not take that attitude with me, she says things to people that are hurtful, for example we are having some friends over to exchange gifts on the 22nd, well she has taken upon herself to to tell the children of this couple that she doesn't understand why they have to come over here because our house is to small etc..., she has basicly chastised those kids. She does not keep to many real close friends, she really only keeps just the one, this friend happens to be a little spoiled and gets to do whatever she wants and seems to have a profound impact on my daughter and has done some seemingly irrepairable damage to her attitude. What should I do about this problem, I'm afraid it will drive a wedge between family members if it doesn't stop. HELP!!!! PLEASE!
2006-12-11 02:49:01 · 13 answers · asked by earnhardtiskingofnascar 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You are in a tough place, and I admire you for that.
Your daughter is a little bit insane right now, and cant act not insane. In a few years she might become a human being, but for now she is a monster. You have to be the man you are, and live the values you have. I suggest that you also consider that when she becomes a human being again she is going to have memory of feelings but not clear memory of situations. That means that any bad blood you build now, no matter how justified on your part, is going to be a wall between you.
Be a man you can look in the mirror and be comfortable with and admire, both today and in the future.
If you are going to discipline, its my opinion (and Im only dealing with an 8yr old and a 3yr old) that they should know the rules and the punishment long before the crime. There should be a solid connection in their mind. The cost of the punishment should be such that, in each childs unique economy, the crime is not worth committing.
You might talk with her teach her how you think and process both mentally and emotionally in the language of honor, and that when she dishonors your invitation by speaking to the kids like that, and dishonors your home, by saying its small, it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like she thinks little of you, and feels contempt toward you.
You might talk with her, and ask her to communicate to you, so that you can feel in your heart how she feels in her heart about how she thinks christmas should be. She is trying to make her ideal special christmas, and your inviting people is getting in her way. She doesnt feel she has a forum to speak her hopes to you. Sometimes its better not to invite people, because your family is starving to death for an emotional connection, and the other people make it impossible. That doesnt make this the time, but she could be expressing a valid emotional need that you just arent hearing. She is becoming an adult, and has one foot in both worlds. You need to give her a clear, just, reasonable path to becoming an adult. In nearly every ancient culture adulthood was reached around the same time as puberty.. there is some primal need that was met by that. Be aware of it. Dont be afraid of coming-of-age rituals. Driving school might be a great christmas gift this year, possibly followed by a learners permit on her next birthday (depending on your state).
There is a great (and disturbing) book called "she calls me daddy". You should read it.
2006-12-11 03:10:40 · answer #1 · answered by Curly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a good thing that you are devoted. Any child needs a good father. I am 15 and the thing with her behaving the way she does is most likely her friend that is spoiled. Spoiled children think that they get anything. So since she has been hanging out with her she thinks that she needs to be raised the same way so she is going to treat everybody else that way until she gets her way. She acts like that around you because she is a daddy's girl and she thinks if she acts all innocent around you that she will get everything her little heart desires. Tell her that you love her and explain to her that you don't appreciate the way she treats everybody else. If you ask her to stop there is a chance she might change. She might not even know that she is doing that. Just ask her to stop and behave.
2006-12-11 02:56:36 · answer #2 · answered by Crazy K. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Find someone to befriend her. You can go behind her back and find someone with similar interests as your daughter, but with a good attitude to take her in as a friend. The objective would be to slowly influence her in a positive way. You could pay someone to do it with the understanding that your daughter can never find out what was going on.
If you act she may start treating you the same way she treats her mother and siblings and I don't think that is a risk you should take given the fagile nature of the relationship. Family is important and you may be what's holding her to her family as much as everyone else dislikes her.
You need to get her a good influence that she will not run from.
2006-12-11 03:03:58 · answer #3 · answered by Cyber Stalker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're over reacting. A lot. She's 14 and has been with him for eight months. If she is a well child rather than the oral intercourse side then I advocate you provide her again all her stuff and permit her pass to the dance. Just mounted a few regulations approximately her boyfriend, probably inform her that he is simplest allowed over while you are residence and that if their in her room the door have got to be open. If you do not enable her to do stuff like this she is going to emerge as resenting you. You do not wish to lose her, so that you have got to believe her with him. She sounds shrewd, I doubt she'll do some thing dull. PS: Oral intercourse at 14 is incredibly average, at that age hormones are loopy. I'd be happy with her for lasting eight months with no need intercourse with him.
2016-09-03 08:27:31 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Teenagers can carry around all sorts or grudges, angst, remorse, hurt feelings, etc. She needs a viable outlet for whatever it is she is frustrated about in life... I suggest THERAPY so she has a safe place to talk and say these things and uncover the REAL feelings behind the things she says.
I would also encourage her to play sports, volunteer in the community or join some after school clubs. This will help her make friends and build her self-esteem - which is something VITAL for the health adn well being of all teenagers, but girls especially.
2006-12-11 02:53:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take her out, shopping or dinner or something and try to express to her how she makes people feel and how she could express her opinions without being so hurtful. With my 7 year old when he says things in a negative or hurtful way, I ask him how he could say it differently. When he doesn't know, I make suggestions. Sometimes as teenagers we don't really realize our impact on others feelings. Sometimes we forget how much people love us and how much we can actually hurt someone. Like when she said that about the gathering, she could have said, ;Wouldn't it be better if we had it at someone elses house that had more room?'
2006-12-11 03:01:45 · answer #6 · answered by Jon O 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It appears you're going to have to put an end to the friendship with the person who is a bad influence. Friends have a very big effect on kids, don't ever think differently.
I think it's time to get some counselling. I waited too long to get counselling for my son. When I was ready, he was 17 and there was NO way he was going to listen to another adult. At 14, though, you still have some control. She needs to talk with someone. Something is not right in her world and she needs to open up about it. And you need to listen.........
2006-12-11 03:45:29 · answer #7 · answered by garynjanice 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im 14 and I see myself doing some stuff like that too.....but I really feel bad about it. What my parents do to see to it I understand what I have done to the people that I harrassed they do the same thing to me....and I have to say it sucks and about her friend let her be the way she is but make sure your kid understands what she is doing wrong. In other words TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.
2006-12-11 02:58:11 · answer #8 · answered by Snickers 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
14yo girls are hell... especially her having just the one best friend... that I know is who she is modeling herself after and probably doing what this kids tells her to... this is a hard one... you said you had a good relationship with her so... set her down and explain to her its not her place to discuss the decisions you made on when and where to have a xmas party... and growned her from and item shes fond of... you are the boss... you are her father not a friend... she might get mad at you but that will pass... the age shes at is a killer and I know I didn't give any good answers... good luck
2006-12-11 02:57:47 · answer #9 · answered by Sandy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you and your wife need to sit her down and talk. tell her that her actions have been hurtful and demand an apology to those she's offended. limit the time she spends with this friend of hers and try to get her into activities with girls her own age like sports or clubs at school. if you don't put your foot down and be the parent, she will walk all over you.
2006-12-11 02:57:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋