How can I change my husband's mind about getting a divorce?

Question

We have only been married for five months. He is 41 and I am 39. We were both married once before. He was married 16 years and I was married 18 years. Both of us were cheated on by our former spouses. We did rush into this marriage, I admit...but we were PERFECT for each other, and we really felt like God was blessing our relationship. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, but we have SO MANY disagreements, and so many nights with one of us sleeping on the sofa. He as alluded to a divorce several times in the past five months, but he finally said "I want a divorce" yesterday morning. We are both Christians, and I know a divorce would be wrong. When I told him it was wrong, he said I was trying to make him feel guilty. I love him, and now I love his kids, and I *think* he loves mine. He says he won’t change his mind. He is angry. He says our lives have too much drama, and he can’t take it anymore. We have had “drama” with his ex-wife, with my ex-husband, with his teenage daughter, with my teenage daughter, with my grown son, and with my sister. It has been very stressful, and has given me so much anxiety, but this is no reason to get divorced. He sent me a love note (text message) two days earlier, which said "You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. The greatest wife a man could ever want. Your ability to mother children is untouched by anyone. You give so much love to me & make me feel like a real man. I LOVE YOU! THANKS”. I want to believe that he loves me, and that he is having “temporary insanity”, but I am scared, and I believe that he is truly ready to throw our marriage away. Last night I asked him if he was a man of God, and he said “I guess not.” I can’t believe this. Should I talk to our pastor, or to a counselor, or to an attorney, or all of the above? I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I am praying and fasting. I will not eat until he changes his mind.

PLEASE PRAY FOR US.

Answer 1

I will pray and am praying now. You cannot do anything - you need to continue praying to God to turn this around. Together you both can go to counseling which is probably the right thing to do. Yes also talk to your Pastor about this too - if you are both Christians God does not want you both to give up or throw this marriage away. Blessings to you dear one - God hears you.

Answer 2

The only thing I can think of that maybe you can do, is sit down with him, and ask him if he would be willing to give it six months, with a counselor, before making a final decision. I don't know if I would hold out that much hope for this relationship, though. You've only been married five months, and the one of you has to spend nights on the couch frequently because you can't get along? It doesn't really sound like you are "perfect" for each other. No matter what, it sounds like you need some serious help in learning how to deal with or eradicate the "drama" that keeps driving you two apart. Ask him if he would be willing to give it six months before ending it. Then go get some intensive counseling, and do your best to not contribute to any of the "drama". THAT INCLUDES NOT EATING. You are not helping your marriage by not eating. That's just creating more irritating drama. If my husband went on a hunger strike I'd think he's a whack job and leave, too.

Answer 3

How well did you know each other before you married? Did you marry just so you wouldn't be alone? Can the 2 of you sit down and talk open and honest with each other? Were the teenagers told ahead of time about the marriage, or did you just do it? All of these questions can make or break a marriage, especially when teenagers are involved. You need to start with a counselor to talk about what is happening. Both of you need to put it all out on the table so you can see what you're really dealing with. Maybe it just wasn't the right time. Maybe the 2 of you aren't right for each other. Marriage isn't meant to be entered into lightly. You are both in the church, so you know this. Did you?

Answer 4

First of all, not eating is not going to change anyone's mind. It might give him more reason because he may think you are trying to punish him or that you're not quite right upstairs.

Also, when you two married, you made a promise to each other to love each other "forsaking all others." Agreed, it is a blended family and that has its own issues, but the health of your marriage and relationship is just as important as the welfare of the kids and the other members of the family. In fact, they depend on it. Two words of advice. First, definitely seek counselling, not just for the two of you but for the children involved. To me, no marriage should be ended without seeking help, and I'm telling you this from experience. If he doesn't want to go, go yourself just to make sure you are seeing this from the right perspective. If you guys are spending alot of nights away from each other on the couch, you both need serious help with conflict resolvement. With you both being cheated on in former relationships the mindset sometimes is to jump ship before you get hurt so badly again. Infidelity is something I call a "terrible surprise"; it makes you mistrust because it often blindsides you, even if there are existing problems. Second, you mentioned an ex-wife, a sister, a grown son, etc; all with drama. Do not involve other people in your marital problems unless absolutely necessary EVER. They aren't living your life, and don't know what's going on between the two of you. If you only come to them when things are bad, they don't know about the good times, why you love him, and maybe why you are together at all.

Men sometimes are so busy being what society wants them to be and living up to their own expectations that stress can be a killer for them. If you want to save your marriage you must find a way to lessen this stress on him, and find a way to handle what's going on between you. If this sounds like it's placing all the weight on you, maybe it is, but someone has to be ready to make the first step to salvage the relationship. If it has to be you, so be it. Talk to your pastor, seek the help of counselling, and do everything you can before just blithely signing divorce papers. That should be the last resort, and if he loves you as he says he does, he will seek help first as well.

Answer 5

I'm so, so, sorry! I really can't help you, I'm barely 20. But did you get to the source of the problem? You could discuss until you really understand. You could write a dairy and "accidentally" put it somewhere that is easy to see....? Argh, I watch TV's too much. It really sounded like a perfect marraige to me! Why? Oh why? I do suggest you calming yourself a bit.... It must be stressful. Talk to kids of both sides, they could help. A child's talk is always better than an adult's plea. Do you know why is he angry? Perhaps it's all the drama. Perhaps he can't leave behind the hurt your and his ex-spouses left him, and got angry. Perhaps this could go away soon, if he returns to his senses. I'd say he's going through an emotional time. You too, are going through a hard time. Don't fast until you look like a stick. It'll look as if you are making him feel guilty for leaving you. Instead, try, try not emotionally but calmly talking to him. It'll make things better, trust me, unless if he is really outta the track. Don't. Let. Others. Ruin.Your. Marraige. Give you marraige some time. I'll just say talking is the best way, not frantically scratching everywhere that'll make things pathetic(sorry). Try to discuss, discuss, that's my solution to you.Ever watched "When Harry met Sally"? Well, it's similar a bit... No flaming pleeasee!!! Wah!!! I just think it is like that, but I do feel bad for your situation. I'll pray and remember to tell us the outcome, please. I do hope you will have God's blessing on this!!!

Answer 6

You might try a trial sepration and include counseling. I can sense there is a lot to the story not being said if he's ready to call it quits at 5 months. Something has obviously pushed him over the edge to be so determined. It would take time for a divorce anyway plus most states require a grace period for just the reason of a change of heart. But I think your taking the wrong approach to say that you should stay together because it's the christian thing to do. The reson should be I love you, I can't bare to lose you and I want to exercise ever option possible before we call it quits. Be willing to give him some space to hash it all out.

Answer 7

As I see it the problem is that the two of you are allowing outsiders to run your marriage. You need to put your foot down and tell them to put a stop to it. If they will not, then get restraining orders against them. If children at home are a problem, then you and your husband need to take a firm hand with them. Counseling with your Pastor is a good idea, but do not look at it as a magic cure. Speaking with a Christian counselor cannot guarantee anything and speaking with an attorney should be the last option---they make money off divorces and they are lousy counselors. Praying and fasting is good, but if your husband doesn't join in with you then it is sort of one-sided. His threat of divorce may be a smokescreen, just testing the waters to see how much you love him----men will do these things. Do not do anything to make him angry or he may act on impulse and file papers on you. Proceed slowly and cautiously---pray about your actions and think them through thoroughly. I pray for you now, that in the name of Jesus your marriage be healed and that the devil be defeated. Amen. God bless you both.

Answer 8

Maybe he thinks your annoying and that you can't handle problems on your own. He feels like instead of dealing with reality you would rather pray or go talk to your pastor. That kind of thing really annoys people. The pure fact that you rushed marriage and judging by what happen in the past it seems like you both were very insecure. Also the fact that you put so much stock in God also shows great insecurity. There is no such thing as temporary insanity he probably does like you but he is right...there is way too much drama and no offense you seem like a very dramatic person. P.S. Prayer and fasting don't work...Just get a divorce and be done with it because it sounds like ur beating a dead horse.

Answer 9

First of all, you must eat while you are on earth. If God put love in his heart for you, it will remain intact, unless impurities have been allowed in between you two, etc. You need to get him out of the "normal" life mode and communicate on a heart to heart level. If he is unable to trust and open up to you, or you sense that he is cold on the inside now, then I would think that your marriage really was not meant to be from above, but just a human want and need thing. Five months is like nothing. In the end, listen to your intuition, your heart, because that is where the truth of the matter lies.
Also, be careful of the thought of you waiting for him to change his mind. A human mind change is not the love of God filling ones heart, so he could change his mind for now, and then later the same thing will happen. The life lesson is to trust God and let Him guide your steps, not you or your wants.

Answer 10

Sorry. You can't.

After the first divorce, the second marriage has a very high divorce rate. I personally think that it is so likely that it will fail and put the kids through it all over again that I am against re-marrying if there are kids involved.

Sadly, you can't change who someone else is. You need to be very careful in the future and realize that no one is "perfect" and that is alright. You just can't go in with anything other than completely realistic expectations and they need to do the same. Relationships mean that both can quit anytime.