Should we have a baby, even if we do not feel ready?

Question

My wife and I both feel that we are not ready to have kids.

However due to our age - both approaching 34/5, we are aware that the risks of waiting a couple of years more (infertilty, reduced no. of eggs, harder to conceive etc etc) are significant. Should we just go ahead with it even though we know we both feel this way?

What are peoples thoughts / experience on this?

Answer 1

I'm not sure anyone ever feels ready to have kids. Look at some other issues to help you make your decision.
1. Do you want kids for sure?
2. Are you financially able to support a child?
3. How is your marriage?
4. How will kids affect your career, lifestyle, etc?
Don't get caught up in having cold feet. Having a baby is a huge decision so nerves are normal. Just look closer to make sure there aren't other issues that are holding you back. If there is something specific that is bothering you, work on resolving that one issue.

Answer 2

well, i'd ask this instead of "are you ready"
ask yourselves "do we want kids??"

there's a difference...if you want kids, then go for it! when i married my husband we got a surprise right away. the thing is, we weren't necessarily ready, but i now know, that i may never have been "ready". i don't know if i ever would have had that feeling like "o.k. i'm ready, let's have a baby."

i think people try to plan too much these days. when i look at childhood pictures, i see old dress up clothes, paint chipped door jambs, old carpet that needs replaced....etc.
i also see 3 kids (i have a sister and brother) who were having a ball being kids and not giving a hoot that the door needed painted and the carpet needed replaced. we didn't care that our dress up clothes weren't brand new from the store. it was fun to wear our mother's flapper dresses!!

so, my point it....you may never have that feeling "o.k. we are ready", b/c no matter what the thought of having a kid can be down right terrifying. however, i can tell you that once you have it, you are so ready b/c you love that little person so much.

so....do you want to have kids....ever??? if so, then have them!!!
take one last vacation somewhere great and live up the last times you have as just the 2 of you and get pregnant!

take care and happy holidays!

p.s. make sure she is monitored as a "high risk" pregnancy. once a woman hits a certain age, then she should be considered a "high risk" pregnancy. it's not a bad thing, it's just a little more monitoring of what's going on.

Answer 3

I can see where you're worried that your "clock" is ticking towards a stop. However, if you're not ready then don't have children. A lot of birth defects are also a factor in women over 35, predominantly down syndrome. If you ever do decide to have kids, there are fertility clinics which will be able to help. Or if you can find it in your heart, there will always be children out there whose parents didn't want them. I became a mother a little too soon because I didn't believe an abortion was right for me. I wouldn't trade my sons for ANYTHING in the world but I do wish I had waited a little longer or that circumstances were right. You don't want to have a baby and wonder what "could have been" had you waited. Regardless of age, you're both waiting for some reason.

Answer 4

My answer to that would be no. It would be selfish of you to bring a child into this world just because. There are plenty of people that were not ready to be parents that "end up" having kids and the kids suffer in the long run. It is a mental journey and it's not easy but for me it was a blessing. I wasn't completely ready and I was 25 when my daughter was born, I felt there were so many things I could have done but now almost a year later I feel that she was the best thing that happened to me. It's changes you, well it changed me for the better. But to each there own. I would say just really think about your life and the sacrifices you are willing to make to bring a child into this world..There are only a few that were really "ready" to have kids.

Answer 5

Ah that old body clock ticking thing is getting to you... Now heres
my thoughts on this one ...
No one should have a child just because they feel time is running
out and they fear their eggs may curdle
Ask yourself this.Are you in love with each other enoughto share they joys (and depressions) of becoming parents
No amount of money in the bank is EVER enough to say its the right time to have a child - you will allways be broke when a parent.
Are you prepared to accept that IF you wait longer that you COULD have problems - its a risk but be sure you feel its worth taking.
DO NOT bow to the pressure of those wishing to become a grandparent or aunt - It is not their right to push you.
Your lifesytle will change but discuss how much it will - will one of you work or will it be both???
Discuss how you see your lives with and without children.
I waited many years for my kids - and the only thing i would say is I enjoyed being an older parent as I felt I had more patience
and less longing for things I could no longer do beause of the constraints of parenthood.
Whatever your decision I hope its one you BOTH agree on.
I was diagnosed as infertile at the age of 25 so waited until i was in my mid 30's to adopt and I have got to say my kids are the greatest joy in my life - but I know that a couple must BOTH be
sure of their decision whatever it may be - good luck

Answer 6

I think it depends what you mean when you say, "Not ready."

If you are like I am and you still very much LOVE your independence and freedom (sleeping in late, being able to jet off somewhere at the last minute, etc.) I would say to definitely not have a child because you may end up resenting him/her and that makes for unhappy parents and children!

However, if you just are nervous about being a parent and are having thoughts along those lines but you really are also excited about having a child then you might want to explore those reasons more to come to a decision.

No one can tell you what's right for you. And I dont think I can give you sound advice without finding out more from you. Do what you feel in your gut. But I definitely think that, in general, if you are feeling like you arent ready, then the answer should be, "No."

Answer 7

Deciding to have children is a really big step in any relationship and its good that you are considering all of the things that you are. No one can really answer this question for you but since you asked for some opinion here is mine. In my experience no one is ever really ready for kids. I know couples who decide to wait until they are financially ready but the time never seems right. That or they dont think that they are emotionally ready or they dont want to give up their lifestyle. I have two young children and we probobly werent ready either but their existence has made all of the hardship and changes in schedules well worth it. I know that most people who know they arent ready but do it anyway, instantly change when they see their child. If you do want to have kids eventually then I would say go for it; you dont want to be going into retirement when they are graduating high school :). Besides, I know for a fact that even though some lifestyle changes are necessary you dont have to go from clubber to soccer mom/dad the minute the child is born. My husband and I dont feel like we get out enough of course, but we do still get out and have a 'life' we just have our boys as well. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 8

Your never going to be ready, my husband and I felt the same way. You need to make sure your happy with each other before you do cause it's not an easy thing. yes approaching 34/35 is going for higher risk the longer you wait so if you planned to have kids when you got married go for it now before it's too late. Then you might wish you did. Plus it takes time to get pregnant. Some woman get pregnant right away 3-6 months some it takes years... good luck!

Answer 9

If you don't feel ready then it probably isn't a wise choice. Having a child is difficult, and it can be made worse if you feel you didn't really want to have it. However, when the baby comes you won't be able to imagine how your life was without it. If you do leave it a couple of years there are a lot of fertility treatments out there, and have you discussed adoption/fostering if you discover that you can't have children when you're ready. But remember, just because a marriage doesn't have children in it doesn't mean its not a happy marriage.

Answer 10

If you are both healthy and in good physical condition, wait for another year. If you are not ready now, then a baby will cause you a lot of stress and you won't be able to enjoy being parents. It might be a good idea to have a few sessions of counseling to find out why you aren't ready and if you ever will be ready. Having a child is a huge responsibility, but usually with great rewards. Ultimately, you must do what is best for both of you.