why do daughter in laws hate mother in laws?

Question

i dont get it. i have know my daughter in law since she was a
teenager going with my son. i love her and i thought she loved
me. i have been nothing but nice. now they are married and have
a baby and she hates me. i offer to help when my son says she
is having a bad day if she needs anything i would bring it to her
she says i can come over but she dosnt answer the door. she says she is in the shower etc. she says to call and she dosnt
answer the phone. i only get to see the baby every two weeks
maybe for a couple of hour inbetween baby eating and napping.
her mom and family see the baby all the time and our family
saw the baby once. i am so hurt this is our first grandchild
and i thought it would be different. i bought the baby an outfit
and my son told me how cute the baby looked on thanksgiving
at her mothers house and i have never seen the outfit on her.
i also didnt see the baby on thanksgiving. i buy the baby a toy
and i never see the toy again. what should i do?

Answer 1

Try backing off a tad. Maybe she feels overwelmed right now. But in all honestly I would rather have a mother-inlaw tries to be a part of my kids lives than the one that I have right now that could careless that she hasn't seen her grandson in almost 2 years and has no plans to see him or when the new baby comes.

Answer 2

Because mothers worship their little boys and no-one will ever be good enough for them. The saying is - A son is a son til he gets him a wife but a daughters a daughter all her life. I guess it's all to do with being made to feel redundant and it doesn't matter what you do, she will always focus on the bad things you do! Do you have a son? You'll be like it one day most likely! The thing with boys is that the aprons strings are never really cut until they find themselves a new cook, cleaner, general slave and then they withdraw so dramatically that mum's tend to feel neglected. Don't take it personally but equally don't expect to be able to fix it!

Answer 3

I can not say I hate my MIL and I known her for 4 years and not once she had told me she likes me or hates me but she respects me and I do the same.I would love to know my own MIL as my own mother is not living anymore.
Your DIL sounds like she has some issues.Why don't you have a conversation about this and tell her that you would love to see your grandbaby more?.If I had a child,I would appreciate my own MIL to come over and take the baby out for the day so I can get chores and errans done.

Answer 4

I would say that not all daughter in laws hate their mother in laws. I just takes getting to handle her with different situations. I would say in your situation talk to your son about it and how you feel. If this doenst change anything continue to call and ask to see the baby.
I can say that some women are jealous of the relationship that a son has with thier mother. I mean you were the one that took care of him and now she is doing it and she might see that shes not living up to how well you did it and she is scared you might do the same to the grand child.
Also for some reason women find it easier to leave the babies with thier mother because thats who raised them and looked after them and we feel to trust our mothers. I know this is why I would much rather have my mom look after my son then my ex husbands mother.

hope this helps.

Answer 5

Seems to me your DIL played the role of being nice to you only because she was dating your son and did not want to alienate you. I doubt if she ever "loved you" or even cared about you much at all. Face the facts, she's a player and it will be a constant battle as long as she is part of your family. If I were you, I'd beat her at her own game and appear disinterested in the grandchild or her for a few months. Once you remove the power she feels over you by withholding your grandchild, she'll get so upset and confused by your sudden change of behavior she will contact you about seeing your grandchild.

DO NOT under any circumstances talk to your son about this, he is under her influence and will believe her over you.

Start in January, after the holidays. Now here comes the difficult part, the first time she contacts you about seeing your grandchild, tell her you have other plans on the day she offers, but you will try to reschedule. Then, call her back, tell her you cannot reschedule your plans and then YOU name the day to see the grandchild. This puts you in immediate control, and the re-training of your DIL has begun!

Trust me YOU CAN DO THIS, and you will have a much better relationship in the years to come. She will lose her power of using the grandchild as a pawn, and you will gain power over her by acting completely opposite of what she expects.

Remember you have many more years experience, and she is no match for you when it comes to power games. She is young and inexperienced, don't allow her to upset you its not worth it.

Issy

Answer 6

The best thing to do is to ask them both if you can speak with them about it. The last thing you want to do is create tension between them over you so, make sure they are both involved in the conversation. Tell them how you feel and make sure you haven't done anything yourself to cause your DIL to push you away. I know a lot of times we grandmothers feel we need to jump in there and "help" as much as we can but, to a new mom it may seem like you are saying, in a round about way, that you don't trust that she is capable of handling motherhood. It's a very fine line and, often times, it's really hard to tell if you're crossing it. Another thing you may want to consider is whether or not your DIL is suffering Post Partum Depression. It could explain her isolating you (and possibly others you aren't aware of) and only feeling comfortable around her own family. If you suspect this may be the case, try talking to your son about it. He may not be aware of it himself and in learning about it can get her the medical attention she may need. Best of luck to all of you!!

Answer 7

Wow, I really dont understand your daughter-in-law! I have a soon-to-be mother-in-law like you, very nice, helpful and sweet and I *love* her! I am sooo glad that I have a great relationship with her. I was worried at first, since my fiance is an only child whos father left them when he was 2. It was him and his mom since then and they kept eachother going through the rough times. I was so worried that his mom wouldnt like me or think i was good enough, but actually she is always telling him to be good to me! (not that he isnt, hes my best freind and is wonderful, but she tells him anyways)
I really hope that your daughter-in-law realizes how lucky she is and snaps out of it!

Answer 8

I'll trade ya? My mother in law hates me and for no reason, when my daughter was 3 mos I forced him to take her to see her grandma. I am nice because its about the children not the adults if there is no resolution! I keep my child in mind when I go around her, it's not about me anymore!
You need to ask your son if it's possible that you be able to spend time with this child and put differences aside life is too short! I wish you luck!

Answer 9

Plain and simple... you are another women.
She knows that he is your son, and no matter what you do he will not want to tell you that something is wrong.

honestly try to talk to her, and ask if you are over stepping a line that is bothering her. If you are take it with well intentions as you had asked. But just say that you mean well, and you just want to help out and make sure you have a day to yourself or a relaxing moment. Say you really mean well, and you are sorry if something is wrong.

I think it is natural... i love my mother in law, but sometimes she is the mother in law who i feel wants things a certain way. for me i can't tell her though when something is wrong, I just go with it, b.c she has and still does so much for us.

Answer 10

Sorry to hear that. Maybe she's just overwhelmed with the new baby and all. You should definitly talk to your son about it though. Maybe he could bring the baby to see you without "her". Maybe she feels like she doesn't need your help with the baby or something. Hope it helped. Good luck.