How do you politely ask a friend to watch out for their kid around your house?

Question

A friend of mine is staying with us with her toddler. The kid grabs at everything and makes a mess like any kid does, but the mother doesn't watch him when he's doing it. We tell the kid off but he doesn't really listen as we aren't his parents. our house gets trashed and i really don't know how to politely ask my friend to pay more attention without making it a problem between our friendship. it is my duty to talk to her rather than my husband, who is getting really frustrated. today was the final straw kinda when i picked up a piece of the kid's poop off the floor, which my friend actually found really funny, coz i sniffed it to see what it was (it looked like some kind of walnut!!) anyway if anyone has any good suggestions on how to approach this nicely without falling out with my friend please let me know!!

thanks for all your answers...yes I am realising that she is not such a good friend, whilst I honestly don't think there is any malicious intent in the way she lets the kid do what he wants in our house...more that maybe she thinks as we are so laid back that we don't mind it or something. It is getting increasingly frustrating but she is only with us for another week or so, so I'm wondering whether just to stick it out til then, this my hubby suggested also, as he doesn't want me to fall out with a friend espec as we are all under the same roof! But yes I think I will have a friendly word with her, maybe I am just to nice a person sometimes...or just a doormat to some I am thinking!!

Answer 1

It doesn't seem as if your "friend" is as worried about maintaining your friendship as you are. If she were, she would respect your home without having to be asked.

If you're wondering how to actually ask her, just say, "Please watch your child and clean up after him. I don't appreciate the mess, and I especially don't appreciate having to pick up his poop off the floor." which is just disgusting, by the way, and not funny at ALL! Don't ask "Will you" or "Can you." Don't leave any wiggle room. Just make the request and then don't say anything and see how she reacts. If she's apologetic, give her another chance. If not, tell her to find a hotel.

You have nothing to apologize for. It's your home and you are entitled to do whatever you feel necessary to keep it the way you want it. And if something so simple does end your friendship, move on and don't look back because there are plenty of other people out there to be friends with who will respect you, your home, your marriage and your feelings.

By the way, I wouldn't try spanking the child yourself. Your friend may take a lesson from it, she may leave--or she may file charges against you for abusing her child. Remember litigious the society we live in nowadays.

Answer 2

I am sorry I don't have an exact solution to this question for from what I hear your "friend" is turning a blind eye to what is going on here, which is really unfair on you. The problem you have as I see it is you are too nice! and obviously you put more value on friendship than your friend. The only thing i can suggest other than outright telling her it's just not acceptable is when you are talking to her next make up a story involving someone coming to your home with their kids and imply their kids did exactly the sort of things her kid has been doing and whilst telling her make no attempt to hide your disgust/contempt at the way the "fictitious" parents dealt with it, hopefully this may strike a chord with the real friend and next visit they will probably be more pro-active in their approach to their kids unacceptable behaviour. If not then god only knows as they said in the movie cool hand Luke "there's just some folk you just can't reach" hope it turns out well for you all good luck lol

Answer 3

If you are truely friends, then the direct approach should work. Just explain to her that you are not there to pick up after her child and in a nice conversation explain to her that her son needs to learn how respect things, and that you would appreciate her picking up after her child! Come on .. I have a two year old daughter in the throws of potty training and I have never had to pick up poop off the floor. Quite frankly she is taking the mickey. A friend without respect for your home .. no wonder your husband is getting frustrated. This could become a major problem and you need to point out some home truths to your friend. If she takes offence,then she's not as good a friend as you think, because she then has zero respect for you or your husbands home!

Answer 4

Without asking your friend to watch her child, and without criticising her child or her parenting style... you can approach her by telling her how you feel.

Explain that you feel frustrated when her child does normal toddler things that mess up your home, which you like to keep orderly. Explain that you feel helpless when you can't impart the rules upon her toddler and you need her to take charge on your behalf to uphold the rules you have set for your house. Explain that you feel disrespected when your home is disrespected.... whatever your true feelings are, share them with your friend in a non demanding way.

If she is truly your friend, she won't want you to feel these feelings or be placed in this position, and she will do her best to take charge of her child. You are not giving rules to the child, you simply have rules for your house (as every house does) and she needs to use whatever parenting technique she wants to teach her child the rules of your house, which must be respected.

If she can't do this... then let her know that because you value your friendship, she needs to look for another place to stay or the stress will become a wedge between you, driving you apart, which you don't want to happen.

Also keep in mind that your friend may not understand the extent to which these things have been bothering you and it may help to be extremely CLEAR about how people are expected to behave in your home. For her toddler's sake, it may help to make a chart listing the rules that must be maintained (a little illustration beside the rule may help). Then when the child is being an airplane and knocking over lamps, you can point to the clearly written rule on the chart and say, "NO RUNNING IN THE HOUSE". When he get crumbs all over your couch, you can take him to the chart and in front of the mother state firmly, "NO FOOD OUTSIDE OF THE KITCHEN OR DINING ROOM". When the Mom knows these rules have already been agreed upon, she should be ready to discipline.

Good luck to you... you can be a friend without being a doormat.

:o)

Answer 5

I agree with most others that doing it nicely may be a problem as your friend obviously doesn't share or respect your values.
Maybe you could ask her if she is o.k and say you're worried about her as she doesn't seem to be on the ball. Is she staying with you out of necessity or choice? She could be a bit depressed and things are just not registering with her?
The poo on the floor would have utterly finished me off and I don't know how you kept your temper-you're obvoiusly a good friend but don't be a doormat, no-one will thank you for it.
Good Luck!

Answer 6

You wont be able to do it nicely because your friend doesnt pick up clues or hints. She is using you and unless you put your foot down nothing will change. Being nice to people never pays off, all it does is cause problems. She obviously doesnt even appreciate you helping her or shed make things easier for you by watching her own child. You will have to sit her down and explain in explicit terms what you expect of her and that if she cannot comply she will have to find another place to live. She needs to do her part to make it pleasant and liveable too. If she cant deal with that or understand then shes not really a friend.

Answer 7

The conversation will cause stress on both sides but place YOUR priorities first. Respect for your home, your things, your feelings and your husband are not unreasonable requests of a "friend". It may be possible to save this friendship but please,please recognize that it may not. You deserve better! If she can provide it, GREAT! If not, move on for your own mental health and well-being. Good Luck!

Answer 8

oh i feel so sorry for u, ive had exactly the same with my friend and her kids. They trash everything, and even like u shat on my £60 cushion!! to which her response was, wasnt that stupid of u to pay so much for a cushion!! drew on my wall, brake my sons toys and generally have no respect at all.
i stumbled upon a solution by accident, i bought a dog, and said that i wasnt sure of the dogs temprament so not to bring her kids to my house til we got to know the dog beta.
good luck

Answer 9

This won't be easy as no parent likes to be told how to handle their kids! But as she is under your roof you could set up some guidelines as to what is accectable and what is not it needs to be done or your friendship will suffer as a result. Every household needs guidelines where theres children living there, and seen as she is your guest she should follow them out of respect for your friendship and kindness in allowing her to share your home.

Answer 10

When we were kids my Mother used to warn us not to touch anything in peoples houses. Sadly it seems that has died out. Perfect the art of giving the brat looks that could melt a brick wall. But what an incompetent, irresponsible Mother the poor sod has. Do you really want friends that show you no respect.